okay here we go again. i dont believe the only workable relationship model is is an exclusive one. i believe Love is far greater than that. plus ive never tried an open relationship before and i am curious. i know it will take a lot more communication and commitment. well, after visiting her (she lives two hours away btw) two weekends in a row, things felt pretty good. it was kind of weird tho because we had to cram everythinginto a very short time period. the encounters always feel a bit tense for me because i know shes leaving tomorrow and i wont always be able to see her the next weekend.
which is where things got weird. i was not able to see her for three weeks and in that period she found a girlfriend. "okay relax" i told myself "you knew this was coming." "ya, but i didnt expect it so soon" i heard myself answering. i knew this was already butting up against said issues, but instead of running away from it i decided to sit with it, the slight unease and the edge of panic that she was outa here just to prove to those parts of me that feeling that way was unjustified in this situation. maybe those feelings would diminish. and they kinda started to. until i started to be unable to see her consistently. and she moved in with her girlfriend. tho that was a move of necessity and i know it. she lost her previous living space. now, i have NO quarell (i think i spelt that rong) with her girlfriend. i barely know her. and from what i hear she treats her well. but it is hard knowing that her bed is full whenever she wants it and mine is empty almost all of the time. lonely lonely lonely. over and over in my head. "aaargh! shaddup!you knew this was going to be difficult when you signed up!" and i certainly will NEVER ask her to stop seeing her girlfriend. she is sovereign person, just like me and i love her just the way she is. i dont want a copy of me.
tho id be lying to myself if i didnt say that a whisper of that desire pops up sometimes. but actually... thats not what its really about anyways. i have no secret desire to break them up. i just wish i could be a bigger part of the picture than is possible now. actually... thats not what its about either.
its about me wanting to spend _time_ with her. real time, every day time. to not have to cram everything into a few small hours. to really get to know her and not have a relationship built like morse code. to be relaxed and find a rhythm. a harmony that works for us. because i can see so far into her. some places i think maybe she doesnt want me to be able to see. places that are beautiful, even in their pain. places that awe me. and in that awe, i see myself. i see farther and further into me. i hope she sees into me. i hope she can bullet past my iron clad, wispy veils. walls that are meant to fall like jericho's. and love me deeply. and heal herself. together. its about dissolution of self, ego. a consumation of souls. no more me. no more you, all me. all you. Oneness.
god i miss her so. and the last time i looked into her eyes, the "ive missed you so much" came from a thousand echos of me in all lifetimes, uttered in one single moment. into all of her. i felt all of time tenderly whisper thru tears "ive missed you so much." and tho i said those few words into her eyes, beyond her eyes, deep in Oneness, is me.
"I've Missed Me So Much."
