I like to think of myself as a pretty decent cook. I don't know how to make anything fancy, but I managed to keep myself fed for several years without any help. And I didn't always eat pizza or Chinese food every night. Sometimes I ate microwave burritos instead. But yes, I did actually cook sometimes. I can barbeque really well. And I know how to make hamburgers and spaghetti. I'm not totally hopeless. But for some reason, I can't bake to save my life.
I don't know why it's different to bake versus cook. It's all the same concept. But making cookies is more difficult for me than throwing a steak on a grill. The other day, Nat was feeling depressed and sad about some problems at work. So she wanted cupcakes. I can't make that and knew better than to even try. I'd just make a mess and they'd probably turn out horrible.
But I wanted to do something! I was trying to be superhusband and make her happy. So I decided to get those pre-made cookie dough things and all I had to do was throw them on a sheet and turn the oven on. How hard can that actually be? A 5 year old could do that. But we haven't made cookies in awhile. I had to dig the cookie sheet out of the cabinet. And yes, I checked for spiders! I'm nervous about that. But what I did not realize, or bother checking for, was cat hair.
Apparently one of our cats (or all of them?) enjoy opening the cupboard with their paws and sleeping on top of the cookie sheet. I had no idea. I'd never seen them do this, even if I have come home to find the cabinet door open. I just shut it and went about my business. There were never any cats in there. But I guess they knew when I was coming home and vacated the cookie sheet before I caught them.
So I blindly plunk the dough on the cookie sheet and pop them in the oven. I must state that I did not turn the kitchen light on, because it was daytime. But it was stormy outside and cloudy so it was a little dark. That's why I didn't see the white cat fur on the shiny silver cookie sheet. Either that, or I really need glasses. Anyway, the cookies baked and I put them in for 9 minutes. It said 9-11 minutes on the package. But when I pulled them out, the bottoms were black. They were burnt! How? I followed the directions! Does cat hair make them cook faster? Is that the magic ingredient?
I guess what I did is I had the rack thing too far down. It was supposed to be up higher so the bottoms wouldn't burn. I had no idea. This is why I don't bake! But we attempted to salvage the cookies anyway. So what if they were a little black right? You could sort of pick the worst parts off and still enjoy it. Kind of. Nat really tried to like them because I'd gone out in the crappy weather just to buy this for her. She was a trooper. But she kept picking stuff off the cookies and it wasn't just the burned part.
She asked me if I dropped the cookies on the ground and I told her no. But that's when she said they had cat hair on them. And worse yet, it was baked into the bottom! All the cookies were burnt and furry. And this is why when I want homemade cookies, I call my mom and ask her to make them. I suck at this!
But in all fairness to me, Nat has her own moments of cooking blunders. She couldn't get on my case too bad. Not after the pot roast she made the other night. She was very excited to try out our crockpot which was not a wedding gift, but something she bought a long time ago. And we never actually used it really. Maybe once when she first bought it. But now she wanted to make a pot roast and it was going to be really good.
It smelled pretty good while it was cooking. But I kept getting this strange whiff of burning plastic. Nat said it was because the crockpot was new and it was the plastic coating on the outside heating up. That sounded plausible to me. So I enjoyed the aroma of meat and spices and burning plastic filling our house. I was getting hungry!
And then it came time to pull the roast out of the pot and Nat was stirring around the gravy a little before we picked it out. And that's when she discovered the plastic napkin thing that they put under the raw meat to soak up the blood. Eww! That's nasty! And she cooked that thing for 6 hours! So not only was the meat marinated in juices and onions and yummy spices, we had a hint of plastic napkin in there too.
She thought the whole entire dinner was ruined, but I refused to let her get upset. I'd just eat it anyway. Why not? Sure, maybe it'll kill me because you're probably not supposed to eat meat steeped in melted plastic, but I was willing to try it anyway. And you know what? I couldn't taste anything wrong with it. It was good. No harm done. Except it was really funny and gross to see her pick that thing out of the pot. But we didn't die or get sick and the dinner was tasty.
But I have a feeling that someday our kids might starve with us as parents cooking plastic flavored roasts and baking cat fur cookies to give to them. We might need to take some cooking lessons before we start that family someday....
evil_twin posted on Feb 26, 2008
| views: 524
Comments
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Feb 26, 2008....
LOL !!!
XD
[can´t type further have to laugh]
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pickersplock said on Feb 26, 2008....
I just typed out a great story and comment to go with it, but I got kicked off the internet! Boooooooo!Buy parchment paper for the cookies, they won't burn! -
Zayda said on Feb 26, 2008....
Oh my lord.
[giggles uncontrollably]
Pickers is right, buy parchment paper for your cookie sheets.
I think I picked up this habit from my mother, but anything that we keep in the drawer under the stove gets rinsed off before we cook with it. My mom has done that for as long as I can remember and she doesn't have cats in her house. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Feb 26, 2008....
I love the way you narrate events from your life! :-D
Sounds like a new tv show: What Not To Cook. Today's episode: Fur, plastic, and other unsavories...
~Infernal
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D6fer said on Feb 26, 2008....
That was funny!
Great cooking just takes practice....keep doing it and it will get better....hey St Patty's day is comming.....corned beef and cabbage time!
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GrapeKoolaid said on Feb 26, 2008....
Good stuff.... :)
I share your pain, e_t. While I'm a half-way decent cook(won't starve, anyways) I can't bake to save my life either.
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merlin said on Feb 27, 2008....
Cook? -yes ,just so my husband wont starve , bake -hell no! I probably end up burning down the kitchen -
minniemouse said on Feb 27, 2008....
Years ago, my best friend gave me a christmas present and before I opened it, she said PLEASE don't take offense to the present....not a good way to start opening a present! She gave me "Cooking for Dummies"....lol.....it actually was a good book. I wasn't a bad cook, just a lazy one. And I'm proud to say I'm not a "dummy" anymore...at least not about cooking!!! D6 is right...it just takes practice and patience! (and also a good family/spouse that is willing to eat REALLY crappy stuff until you figure it out!!!!)
:-) Minnie
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nytquill17 said on Feb 27, 2008....
Oh my! *giggle*
But trust me, anyone who's ever cooked anything has been there at some point. My DH was pretty lucky in that I was a pretty good cook before I ever left for college, let alone got married. But I have still learned a lot and gotten MUCH better since we got married and I'm sure he's grateful for that! ;)
I baked a couple of my own hairs into a homemade pizza once when I was a kid. And the worst part was that I had friends over to eat it and it wasn't me that got the hairy slices! Oops...
I'm sure I've done more than that, but that's the only one I could think of this early in the morning. And this next one I've told before somewhere, but I thought it was worth telling again considering!
My grandma used to make SlimFast shakes for my grandpa every day before work, and one day she was a little preoccupied and didn't realize she'd left the plastic measuring spoon IN the blender! And my grandfather actually drank it!! She normally put ice cubes in it so she didn't notice the sound of the blender and he figured that scratchy thing he swallowed was an ice chip! Once they figured out what happened, the office nurse refused to see him (because it could've been a more serious injury than she was prepared to deal with) and sent him home. He was fine, Grandma was mortified, and the whole family got a great story to tell on her :D
Oh, and btw those burnt cookies could be from the pan you were using too (though more likely it's the rack). I have one baking sheet that burns everything no matter what rack and even if I reduce the time/temperature just slightly from the recipe. I have a newer one that's in better shape and it never burns anything. Just to let you know it's not always your fault ;)
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Twylarants said on Feb 27, 2008....
I've cooked a few meals over the years that have gone directly from the stove to the garbage, never even hitting the dinner table. That's when we called for pizza delivery.
We always had cats, so any pots and pans had to be rinsed before they were used, because the cats loved sleeping in the lower cabinets.
Those plastic napkin things are called soaker pads in southern meat rooms, but up north we called them diapers. Gross, huh? I've heard lots of stories of people accidentally cooking them, and no one's died so far so I'm sure you guys are gonna be fine..lol.
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evil_twin said on Feb 27, 2008....
paper--I'm glad I could make you laugh!
pickers--I don't know what parchment paper is, but I'll have to look for it. I always thought that was something you wrote special things on. Like prophecies and stuff. You can cook with it too?
zayda--I'm definitely going to wipe off anything I take out of the bottom cabinets from now on! I just wasn't paying attention I guess. But it's a good habit to get into!
Infernal--Thanks :-) And yes, I could make a really funny cooking show out of this couldn't I?
D6--Practice makes perfect! I love corned beef too so hopefully we can make that without cooking plastic along with it!
grape--At least I'm not the only one who can't bake!
merlin--You sound like me!
minnie--We might need to buy that book actually :-P It'll probably be helpful. Does it say anything in it about making sure not to cook fur or plastic along with your food?
nytquill--I'm still laughing and cringing over your grandma's mishap! She mixed up a plastic scooper with the milkshake and gave it to your grandpa?! I guess it didn't hurt him though which is good! I guess a little plastic just makes things crunchier. You might be right about the cookie sheet too. We have another one that's different because it's insulated. But I didn't use that one because it has the opposite problem. Things take 5 times as long to cook and I was impatient! Live and learn....
twyla--Soaker pads and diapers is what you call those things? Yuck! Although, I admit I compared it to a maxi pad when I saw it because it's there to soak up meat blood. So we were totally grossing each other out and I can't believe we actually ate the meat. But it was good! I'm glad Nat isn't the only person who's cooked one of those things up.
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GracefullyGrowing said on Feb 27, 2008....
Wait . . . are you saying their not SUPPOSED to be furry and burnt?~Grace~ -
CreativeWoman said on Feb 27, 2008....
Your story is priceless, but don't feel too bad. I have murdered several batches of cookies over the years. I've finally decided that store bought tastes better than mine ever will.
CW
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Zayda said on Feb 27, 2008....
Oh...I totally forgot this. If you don't want to invest in buying parchment paper all the time, which has to be thrown away after it's used, you could invest in some Silpat Liners for your baking sheets. They can simply be washed and reused. :) -
destinydiva said on Feb 27, 2008....
lol, aww its sweet you attempted to bake cookies for nat...even if they did end up burnt and furry :-) xx -
uniquely-ironic said on Feb 27, 2008....
Ahhhh the joys of cooking. Have you considered taking a couple cooking class or something? (seriously) I would think enjoying the class together and then taking those dishes back home would give you a base of foods to work from.Cooking is something that you get better at with time. I'm sure you'll muddle through like the rest of us. BTW, kids like cold cereal and happy meals too, so there's always a quick fix if dinner goes sideways. -
evil_twin said on Feb 27, 2008....
Grace--In some cultures, burned cookies with cat fur are a delicacy! Actually, no they're not, but I can pretend!
CW--I think store bought cookies are good enough for me too!
zayda--I'm gonna have to look into that. I've never heard of those either! But that's a good idea....
destiny--Thanks :-) I try to be sweet even if I ended up burning them and rolling them in fur.....
uniquely--We actually talked about doing that! It might be fun. We just need to find a place that offers something like that. It might be interesting to see the havoc we can wreck at a cooking class :-P
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Mr_Box said on Feb 27, 2008....
Now that's funny. You didn't see the cat fur on the cookie sheet? Did you do this with your eyes closed?I'm sorry. I have to give you a hard time for that one. The burning thing....not so much. I burn everything. But at least I haven't baked fur into our food.You know that I live with one of the most questionable cooks in the world. I never know what I'm gonna get when Mel cooks.But it's okay because I love her and it's funny. And I'm fond of emergency pizza delivery phone calls. I think you guys will be okay though. Eventually.It does just take a little practice to get good at it. But until then, stick with burgers and spaghetti. It's safer! -
Lucytorial said on Feb 27, 2008....
mwaaahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
FROFLMAO you rock! wanna come cook dinner for me???
Man that is funny as hell.
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quietone said on Feb 27, 2008....
LOL the 2 of you what a pair!! next time you bake anything, put a piece of aluminum foil on the bottom rack, that will keep the cookies or anything else from burning on the bottom too. (this doesn't help with the cat hair thing though) hehe -
nursecutie said on Feb 27, 2008....
I love how you tell a funny story! The cookies were pretty bad.......I didn't want to tell you about the fur but there was just so much of it.....LOL! A few of them were ok though.....sort of! I was really embarrassed by the stupid pot roast thing but I was so glad you ate it anyway! I was suprised that it didn't taste like plastic, but I was happy!
I would have been really disappointed to have ruined a meal that took all day to cook. But next time I will be more careful and examine the meat for plastic......LOL! Cooking lessons might be fun though :)
xxoo natalie xxoo
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evil_twin said on Feb 27, 2008....
Mr. Box--I know, I know....I should pay more attention! My eyes weren't closed, but I guess they weren't really working very well either. It won't happen again though because I will wipe off everything I take out of the cabinet now! And yes, you do live with a questionable cook. But so far practice hasn't helped much has it? :-P
Lucy--You liked the sound of burnt furry cookies and plastic flavored pot roast? If so, sure we'll come cook for you! :-P
quietone--Aluminum foil helps keep things from burning? I didn't know that. I'll have to try that along with some of the other suggestions too.
cutie--We should try some cooking lessons. It could be fun! I know the cookies were bad, but a few of them were at least edible. Your roast was more salvageable though so I guess you win! ;-)
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allswell said on Feb 27, 2008....
lol...that was pretty funny! But practice makes perfect you know...so keep trying and i'm sure by the time kids come into your lives...you'll both be really good at it!
But i guess i have to admitt i've been cooking as a mom for 16 years and i'm still not the best...i make mistakes too... so don't feel bad it happens to the best of us!
alls:)
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silverwhisper said on Mar 02, 2008....
holy crap, dude! heh...everybody's already chimed in w/ the stuff i would have said myself, but i hate that feeling of disappointment when you're trying to do something good and nice, but no--murphy decides you kick you in the 'nads when you aren't looking! and you're thinking, "c'mon, if i was just doing this for me, that wouldn't be so terrible but jeez...!" i trust that at least it lifted nat's mood cuz it was funny? :>
btw: baking is to me a wholly separate animal from cooking. AFAICT, baking's a lot more dependent upon chemistry and science than cooking is. did you know that in many culinary schools (all?), you study the one or the other?
ed -
rmuxagirl said on Mar 03, 2008....
HAHA this was wonderful to read, I laughed so hard at cat fur cookies! -
queenparanoia said on Mar 05, 2008....
ehehehehehehehe dont worry you'll be a better cook after more practice!!! i once almost had our kitchen burned... =)
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