• wombat said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I would consider myself having been put "on the spot" for a way to remain friends, but I don't think I could pursue a sexual relationship.  I would thank them for their honesty, though.

• polarheart said on Feb 25, 2008....

  HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be found in and released from the sores that the viruses cause, but they also are released between outbreaks from skin that does not appear to have a sore. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission can occur from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected.

  HSV-1 can cause genital herpes, but it more commonly causes infections of the mouth and lips, so-called “fever blisters.” HSV-1 infection of the genitals can be caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has HSV-1 infection. Genital HSV-1 outbreaks recur less regularly than genital HSV-2 outbreaks.

  Genital herpes can cause recurrent painful genital sores in many adults, and herpes infection can be severe in people with suppressed immune systems. Regardless of severity of symptoms, genital herpes frequently causes psychological distress in people who know they are infected.

  In addition, genital HSV can lead to potentially fatal infections in babies. It is important that women avoid contracting herpes during pregnancy because a newly acquired infection during late pregnancy poses a greater risk of transmission to the baby. If a woman has active genital herpes at delivery, a cesarean delivery is usually performed. Fortunately, infection of a baby from a woman with herpes infection is rare.

  Herpes may play a role in the spread of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Herpes can make people more susceptible to HIV infection, and it can make HIV-infected individuals more infectious.

  I just thought this information might help people in answering, Ed.

• exhibit_c said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Wife gets cold sores, i.e. HSV-1. I've never gotten any after a long marriage, so I assume I'm immune but Wife has abandoned the role of Fellatrix, just to be safe.
  
  Tough call.
  

• evil_twin said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Honestly, if I wasn't that attached to the person, I'd probably end it. I'm such a hypochondriac as it is, I'd always be panicked that I'd catch the disease no matter what I did to prevent it. And I'd have to assume that if the person told me this before we'd ever had sex (thankfully) that it would mean we weren't that involved yet. And it probably would be for the best if I just walked away.
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• Eilan said on Feb 25, 2008....

  If I thought the relationship had potential, then, no, I would not end the relationship over the disclosure of herpes.  It's not like only gutter sluts and manwhores get STD's.
  
  My ex has HSV-1.  I could always tell when he was under some sort of stress because he'd get cold sores.  As far as I know, he never passed it to the girls and me.  At least, we've never had cold sores.
  

• dailyachesandpains said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Oh, man!  NO freaking way!  I was going to copy and paste Kyle's answer and use that.  That's exactly how I feel.  I wouldn't hold it against the person in a friendship, and I would thank GOD that he told me before hand. 
   
  Daily

• husbandhater said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I have a cousin who is H.I.V positive and she lets all know before they begin dating. She found a guy who wasn't and they have had safe sex. He has shown up without it in most recent tests so I don't know anything is possible. I guess it'd take alot of Love but for me personally ?

  I also know someone who this situation did apply. They didn't tell their spouse until after they married. Way after. The spouse is Hepes free from what I know not that they would speak with me or are even aware that I know. They stayed together though.

    Cold sores on the mouth is the same thing. And if your partner kisses you down in the neither region during an out break guess what you HAVE?

  It's all the same thing now,is treated the same,and the only difference is where it's located ,how long it's treated for and you can catch it even while using a condom as it depends on where the sores are located when your doing the deed. Sex can be kinda messy and if the sores are on his balls in the right position the condom isn't much going to matter. The same thing for a woman if the sores are in a place that is exposed to a non covered body part and since people don't always stay missonary guess what YOU got once you've flipped around.

• husbandhater said on Feb 25, 2008....

  If I had a choice btwn Hiv and Hepes I'd take the herpes as there is no dropping dead from that. Annoying YES but dead NO WAY! B/c condoms have a habit of breaking and 14 pills a day is NO picnic.

• uniquely-ironic said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I find it interesting that most of the focus is on herpes, yet there are dozens of sexually transmitted diseases.  Most of them cureable, only one of them fatal if you seek medical attention regularly.  It seems to me that the stigma of how you contract the disease is blown out of proportion.
   
  I have a friend (really) who contracted herpes from a girlfriend who got it by fooling around outside their relationship.  For reasons other than the herpes the relationship ended.  He has since been in many relationships (with full disclosure) but still feels somehow "inferior" to non-herpes men.  To me this seem sad.  He is a brilliant funny man with much to offer and yet he sees himself as damaged goods.
   
  I wonder if the tone of the responses would be different if we were talking about athlete's foot or psoriasis.
   
  For the record, yes I would continue the relationship if it had gotten to the point where physical intimacy was the next step.  If I thought well enough of the man that I wanted to sleep with him I wouldn't let a non-fatal health condition deter me.
   
   

• tizzygirl said on Feb 25, 2008....

  This is a good question and one I've actually put much thought into even though I've never actually been put in that situation.  I would not and could not pursue any sort of sexual or romantic relationship with someone.  I have always been very careful and have always made it a point to be very careful, and I would never knowingly put myself in that sort of risk.  I don't know if that makes me sound unfeeling or less understanding or caring but it is the way I am.  I am very happy that I have been responsible throughout my dating days and have remained STD free.  I know that even people who are responsible have had accidents happen and I am glad I am not one of those people.  If I had been, I don't believe I would have been able to pursue a relationship with a person who I knew I would be putting in danger of passing a disease onto.  I think I would have found support groups with people in the same situation and would have been more comfortable pursuing a relationship with someone who shared the same or similar situation.  I am germaphobic so that might be part of why I feel that way, but I also feel it is being responsible.  I do not want to pass anything on or have anything passed to me and there is no fool proof way to do that if one person knowingly has something.  I have thought about this a lot because I knew someone who had herpes and was not responsible.  She didn't think it was a big deal and even though she would tell people she had it before sleeping with them, she would let people believe that it wasn't a big deal and that stupid "myths" would prevent them from contracting it.  Even though she knew they were wrong, she figured it didn't matter and she didn't have to correct them.  It hurts me that she did that because she spread it to several people and in turn I'm sure they spread it to more.  I think that it was careless and selfish.  She didn't care if others suffered because she couldn't even take the responsibility of contracting it.  She blamed someone else and that was the end of it in her mind.  She's had it for 30 plus years and she still doesn't care who she passes it to.  You have to be careful out there because people will not always be honest with you.  Look out for yourself.

• nytquill17 said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I have a lot of respect for someone who is honest enough and psychologically well-adjusted enough (I have a cronic disease; living with this kind of thing takes a ton of head-examining) to be upfront with me.
  
  I've never had sex with anyone that I wasn't prepared to marry (at the time, anyway).  So for me, if I was at the point that I was willing to have sex with someone, I would already be in love and committed.  And herpes is not something that's going to kill me if I got it.  Complicate my life, sure.  But it doesn't have any serious implications to my long-term health.  If the rest of the relationship is on track, it's not a deal-breaker.  But at the same time I'm not going to put myself at risk when I'm anything less than sure of the relationship.
  
  But sex is never 0 risk.  No contraception is foolproof.  You can't prove your partner isn't lying.  So you're comparing "some" to "more," not "some" to "none".  And people with STDs are people too, and they have the right to have a relationship with the person they care about.  But the uninfected person in the end has the right to decide what they want to expose their body to - it's just that it's not as simple as "Ew. No;" there's a human being on the end of that "ew".
  
  It's the exact same disease as cold sores, and my dad had those.  I didn't think less of him for it!  It shouldn't matter if you get cold sores on your mouth or on your whosiwhatsit, right?
  

• SeanRenaud said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I'd probably remain friends, how close would be odd.  Obviously I'd be getting my rocks off else where but I think in a relationship like that its kinda fair.

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I think I could remain friends, but not sexually. I would appreciate the other person's honesty.  So, I would be upfront that I didn't want it to go any further than friendship.
  
  CW
  

• onemind46 said on Feb 25, 2008....

  very good question.
  I have no idea.  I just finished posting something on my blog about how we don't know what we would do until we are in a situation.  So um...I don't know what I'd do till I was in the situation.  that's as honest as I can be right now.  obviously I would not want to get it. 
   
   

• Holly-Go-Lightly said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I was actually put in this position once. I had met and become friends with a man who was on a brief visit to my town. Once he went home (far away), we continued our friendship, and eventually began developing some strong feelings for each other.
  He was seperated, had 2 kids, and going through a divorce. I felt he was moving way to soon when he talked about marriage once his divorce was final.
  
  He came to visit for about a week, and took me to a very expensive hotel. He was acting very funny all of a sudden, like moving over when I laid down on the bed (we were completely clothed). Finally he admitted that he had herpes, and was in the middle of a break-out, and he was ashamed and embarassed for me to know.
  
  Since the timing wasn't exactly ready for us to move forward anyway, I told him how grateful I was that he was honest, and although I cared for him very much, I didn't want to risk any health issues (as my health was so bad already). He understood completely, i think he was relieved actually. And there never were any bad feelings.
  
  

• bluegum said on Feb 25, 2008....

  i would thank her  and move on.

• Mamie said on Feb 25, 2008....

  i am not sure but love is love, so I would probably stay.

• Fallyn said on Feb 25, 2008....

  i would continue the relationship if i was in love with the person, taking as many precautions as possible.
  if i wasn't attached to the person it wouldn't be worth the risk.
  

• dyingman said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Love conquers all, but it'd have to be LOVE. Little miss needs to check out herpes positive dating sites. Avoid lots of heartache that way.

• Mr_Box said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I guess if I was really in love with them, I'd have to deal with it. But if we were just dating and it hadn't even gotten physical yet, I'd probably say thanks, but no thanks.
  
  
  Why put myself at risk like that for someone I wasn't that invested in? It wouldn't be worth it to me.

• LtCmdrWorf1 said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Ed,

   

  I have often asked the question, what is that we love about another person?  Why is it those two men, or two women, or a man and a woman fall in love?  Sex notwithstanding; love is mysterious, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this is so.  That having been said; if I loved someone I don’t think it would matter what disease they have, or how old they are.  We would find a way to work it out so we could be together always.  Peace and Long Life.

   

  Love Worf  

• nursecutie said on Feb 25, 2008....

  Good question! If I was casually seeing a man and not that serious about him......which I probably wouldn't be yet if we hadn't slept together......I'd lose interest. I don't want to get herpes! I know there are ways to prevent it, but it's not foolproof. You can still get it. And I would not be willing to run that risk.

  It would be a different story if it was someone I already loved and had a deep relationship with. But I will just be honest and say that's not likely to happen in a scenario where we wouldn't have already been intimate before those feelings developed......so yes, I would walk away after I found out. And I'd wish him luck finding a girl who already had it so they could not worry about it!

  xxoo natalie xxoo

• vacantmind said on Feb 25, 2008....

  This would be one of those relationships that sex before marriage would be non-existent. I would have to be totally committed to this person before I would even consider sex an option. It wouldn't end the relationship or friendship.

• D6fer said on Feb 25, 2008....

  how attached could you be at that point? I'd have to say adios!

• SeanRenaud said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I don't know.  Maybe it's my being part of the "younger" generation but I have people I love that I've never met face to face much less had sex with.  And for comparison I have a fiancee and she is the same woman I've been with for the last seven years more or less.

  For me love is emotional and sex is physical.  It's not to say that the two don't intersect.  I mean I don't hate everyman I fight but I fight everyman I hate (sans one and seriously Thomas fuck up give me the excuse to knock your teeth down your throat.)

• boogiebear22 said on Feb 25, 2008....

  I would thank them for being so honest, however if I wasn't that attached to the person, I would probably not pursue a sexual relationship with them. However, I do have a friend whose partner had Herpes, and she did not. They have a child together, and while they took the proper precautions to prevent the spread, she contracted it from him. They are still together. I suppose it all depends on the person.

• lfbno7 said on Feb 26, 2008....

  Stay friends, avoid penetration.

• silverwhisper said on Feb 26, 2008....

  i only have the time to make a few responses--will comment later.
  
  wombat: i think that's understandable.
  
  polar: many thanks for the information! :>
  
  exhibit c: ah, my sympathies.
  
  kyle: ah yes, i tend not to recall that you skew towards a little hypochondria. :> it's an honest answer and that's what matters to me. :> however, you're assuming that it's not a serious relationship--that may not be a safe assumption.
  
  eilan: excellent points re: the stigmatization associated w/ having a STD. i'm glad neither you nor the girls have any symptoms. :>
  
  daily: o hell, when i saw you commented, i was thinking, "gee, wonder if she's gonna say what kyle did?" :>
  
  HH: damn...i'm sorry to hear that about your cousin--wow, i can't imagine how hard that must be! and jeez, i can't imagine how someone gets married and doesnt say, "hey, i have a STD" at some point!
  
  u-i: well, i focused on herpes b/c it's (for now) permanent but at least non-fatal. i like your points re: the subject matter potentially skewing the responses and i gotta say that i agree. that's terrible about your friend--the poor guy's constantly having to suffer b/c someone else fucked up.
  
  
  
  more comments to follow later.
  
  ed

• silverwhisper said on Feb 27, 2008....

  someone sent me a comment via PM who wishes to remain anonymous so i am reproducing that comment here, original capitalization and all:
  
  
  
  I DO have herpes (HSV2). It isn't a morality. It's a virus. It's an annoying virus, but thankfully I don't have outbreaks more than once a year. I date mostly from herpes dating sites, because most non-infected people, like a few of your respondents, simply can't look past that and recognize that the infected person is a person with feelings, thoughts, intelligence and a passion for life.
  
  It's also possible with proper safety, and mutual understanding and cooperation, you CAN have a safe relationship and NOT pass it on to your partner. I've had two. They knew. They still loved me. Still made love to me and neither ever got it. But I always respect the other person's right to say no. ALWAYS.
  
  Since this is a common reaction, I tend to date among other H-infected persons. Dating is hard enough with this stigma and at least among others who understand, it's a non-issue. We have the chance to be ourselves and NOT worry that we will be rejected for that.
  
  It's incredibly painful to be treated like a leper and for some, they won't even speak to you again, let alone attempt any sort of friendship.
  
  I've had it for some 7 years now. I'm not angry at the person who gave it to me. I don't think I'm tainted for having it. I live a perfectly healthy, joyful sensual life with it and have never passed it on to anyone who didn't already have it.
  
  Commercials like Valtrex have helped to minimize the stigma by portraying "normal" looking people... that is to say they don't look like players or whores which is what most people immediately conclude the minute you tell them you have herpes. It is estimated that 1 in 4 have genital herpes (HSV2). So, all those fearful folks commenting on your blog need only look around them in a crowded room and for every 4 of their friends, family members, coworkers or acquaintances, one of them has HSV2. It is estimated that as much as 50 percent have HSV1, mostly spread in youth when parents kiss their toddlers who then share toys and slobber.
  
  I find it incredibly ironic that although none of us wants to catch illnesses like Chicken Pox, Shingles, or Mono, or even cold sores, no one would bat an eye or pass any judgments if such an illness were contracted. Would your readers be surprised to know those illnesses are also caused by the same family of herpes viruses that live in the nervous systems and can remain latent (inactive) for years only to resurface later, just as do both HSV 1 AND 2? (The Herpes Family of viruses include: herpes simplex virus 1 (cold sores) & 2 (genital herpes), herpes zoster (chicken pox as kids, shingles in adulthood), and Epstein Barr (Mononucleosis).
  
  The entire herpes family of viruses have been around for a VERY long time and are incredibly adapted to survive and thrive in the human body without killing it's host, and thus are also incredibly hard to eliminate.
  
  I have never had sex with anyone without first discussing my disease with them and certainly not without protection. I use protection even with my current infected partner. It's just how our group operates. Respect even if we know we both have it.
  
  Frankly of most of the people I know who have it (there is an entire community dedicated to our H-group both for support, socializing without stigma and dating), not a single one has ever had sex without discussing it first. But then those who join our groups I suspect are a higher class of people who WOULDN'T dream of inflicting this on anyone else.
  
  Like another comment says, at least Herpes isn't deadly. For that I'm thankful. With the exception of HIV and Hepatitis B, most OTHER STDs are usually handled with a shot of penicillin. I know many friends who have had STDs that were curable. I have friends in other countries who swear herpes is curable there, and only in America are the drug companies profiting from a virus that doesn't kill. Why find a cure if they can keep pumping drugs at it for a lifetime?
  
  Regardless, if I can impart any wisdom to your readers, always use protection. And if someone you really like does reveal they have it, be calm and don't over-react. Know that it took a LOT of guts to bring this up with you. Know that they care a great deal about you and respect you enough to discuss this with you openly fully knowing they could be rejected by you. Have compassion for them and don't react with horror, or treat them as a leper.
  
  And before you say NO WAY, at least do your research, talk to them thoroughly about moving the relationship forward with it, and don't close doors before you have all the facts. Ask them questions. Be supportive. Then, after you are fully armed with the facts, you can make an informed and respectful choice to proceed or halt the romantic relationship and hopefully retain a wonderful friend.

• silverwhisper said on Feb 27, 2008....

  TG: if i were single, i'd probably have tons of concerns myself and yeah, i imagine it's something i'd have to have considered a lot. i agree re: a support group and i believe there are probably dating groups, too. and i'm horrified about that person you know--i find her conduct utterly despicable.
  
  nyt: as i was reading your comment, i couldn't help nodding as i'm in agreement with you on all scores. :>
  
  sean: to you that would be fair? it's not like she'd be incapable of having sex with you.
  
  CW: i'll be honest, i'm a bit surprised by your answer but i'm having trouble articulating why, precisely.
  
  onemind: welcome to my blog and thank you for visiting. :> i think that's perfectly understandable, that you aren't sure: it would probably depend on the situation.
  
  holly: i've been hoping to hear more stories like the one about that gentleman. i really admire the way both of you handled the situation. :> are you still in touch with him?
  
  bluegum: short, sweet and simple. that works.
  
  mamie: somehow i knew you were gonna say that. :>
  
  fallyn: [nods] yep, that's kinda my feeling, too. sorta.
  
  dyingman: i never really thought about it, but i suppose it does make sense that there would be herpes positive sites.
  
  jack: [nods] yeah, i can understand that.
  
  worf: as usual, beautifully expressed. always good to see you, my friend. :>
  
  nat: well, casual dating is a different thing from love, no question. but i'm a little surprised you wouldn't be willing to take it slow with someone if you felt it was a good thing, though.
  
  vm: well, would you be willing to take a relationship that slowly, though?
  
  d6: that all depends, if you only date casually, i suppose never.
  
  sean: that's funny, to me love can be physical and sex can be emotional. i don't grok separating the two, to be honest.
  
  boogiebear: that's a shame about your friend and her partner. i know of others who've been through it and haven't passed it, though so yes, i agree it depends on the person--or perhaps more accurately, the people.
  
  lbf: that was the shortest answer to date. you do realize avoiding penetration alone isn't going to keep you safe though, right? two words: dental dams.
  
  ed

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 27, 2008....

  Ed,
  I guess I should clarify then.  If it was a relationship where I was not in love, then I would not go further sexually.  If I was in love, that would complicate things for me.  I assumed your question was about a budding relationship.  I know my answer sounds very selfish and I suppose it is.  I wouldn't want to knowingly affect my health with another chronic condition when I already have one. (diabetes)  That's about as selfish as a person can be, I guess. It's what I'm reduced to though.
  
  CW
  

• Holly-Go-Lightly said on Feb 27, 2008....

  hi ed~
  
  thank you for the comment. as I said, he was separated and going through a divorce, so actually that's what I meant about the timing not being right as far as the two of us moving forward. I didn't feel right (even before he told me) about consummating this relationship when there were so many loose ends he needed to deal with first.
  
  I think that was another reason that I was able to say that I wasn't comfortable with it.
  He wanted to marry me. But even so, I had no sense of security that things would absolutely, positively turn out with the both of us being together. This turned out being the smart choice, as he felt so guilty for leaving his kids that he eventually went back to his wife and dropped the divorce proceedings.
  
  He called me on my birthday for a couple years after that, but it always ended up with him crying and telling me what a wrong choice he made, and how he just couldn't forget me. Very upsetting. But I always had a little place for him in my heart.
  
  ~*~*~Holly~*~*~
  

• silverwhisper said on Feb 27, 2008....

  CW: i don't think it's selfish; i guess i'm just surprised that safe sex practices seem not to be a consideration.
  
  holly: you know, it's probably a damned good thing that never led anywhere--it's entirely possible that had things been different, he'd wind up calling his former wife, doing the same.
  
  ed

• vacantmind said on Feb 27, 2008....

  Well Ed, I have to be honest...it would be a change of pace for me. I usually just jump into relationships but every relationship that I have had has been long term. It would be hard for me but I think I would.

• Fallyn said on Feb 27, 2008....

  i went up and reread my comment....because i couldn't quite remember what i had said.
  
  i guess i just meant that i wouldn't keep from getting attached to someone just because they had it....but i wouldn't engage in sex with someone i wasn't serious about that had it either.
  
  i got pregnant using protection.....it doesn't happen all the time...but it does happen.
  i just don't think that in a casual relationship it would be worth the risk.
  

• silverwhisper said on Feb 27, 2008....

  vm: that's fair, i suspect it would be a change of pace for most people!
  
  fallyn: what's funny is i think i understood what you meant all the same. :>
  
  
  
  my own answer: i honestly don't know. if it were a casual relationship, hell no. that's not even a question.
  
  but if it was a serious relationship, i'd like to believe that a refusal to hurt both myself and her when she needs support is something that would be a more important than my own peace of mind. and yes, i know, safe sex is dependent upon proper implementation to assure that one remains STD-free, but for the right person, i want to believe that a relationship that is presumably very important to me couldn't be killed by a virus.
  
  OTOH, it's entirely possible that for as noble-sounding/stupid as that might seem, i'd simply get scared/too frustrated.
  
  ed

• nursecutie said on Feb 27, 2008....

  Ed, my answer was surprising? I guess that I just don't think I would really want to pursue anything sexual with a person who I knew had an incurable STD. If I had very strong feelings for them and was already in a relationship it would be different.......

  But I tend to think that the physical intimacy would have been an issue way before I was so attached I wouldn't want to leave. But that is only my own experience with dating and some people might not get physical as fast as me.......

  xxoo natalie xxoo

• silverwhisper said on Feb 28, 2008....

  nat: that's fair, not everyone approaches things the same way. and really, how boring things would be if we did, huh? :>
  
  ed

• tbs230 said on Mar 10, 2008....

  I wish I could have my friend read this. I think it would help her so much.
  
  Also, I think that people who have come to contact with an STD (whether they are a carrier, or know someone) have a much more positive outlook on the disease.
  
  I don't know what I would do...but I do know that I couldn't be intimate, or do anything more serious than casual dating, until I found someone who knew and was ok with it.
  
  If two people have it, and are together and are intimate, it can't get worse right?
  

• silverwhisper said on Mar 10, 2008....

  yeah, that's kinda my thinking as well.
  
  ed

• pumpkin1 said on Apr 19, 2008....

  I'm so amazed how uneducated many seem to be about STD's, I have to admit that I was also before I was exposed to Herpes. But I have done much research on this virus, and it is much more common than we all think it is, for instance: 90% of the population has been exposed to it. All it takes is getting a kiss from anyone, even your mother or grandmother, and you can get cold sores, which is the most common source of developing cold sores during sex. So let me create a scenario for you to show you how common this is, and how we all pretty much have been exposed to it: say you kiss someone at any point in your life, and they have had a cold sore or have kissed someone that had one, and so on and so on... to infinity... so now you have been exposed to it, unknowingly, but all the same, lets say you have sex with that person, and have oral sex, now you have taken the virus and spread it to another part of the body. So the next time you have sex or kiss anyone, you are exposing them also, even with condoms you are not completely protected. OH and get this; you can have this for years with no symptoms, you may never have any, and they don't routinely screen for herpes when you see a dr. So I guess reading all these posts from you all that said that you would basically run from someone if they told you they had this is so hypocritical, I think ppl rely on their ignorance, and that gives them the right to treat others with this poorly, like UGH, you must be a slut to have gotten this, when maybe I was just kissed by my grandma as a baby, or maybe I did have sex with someone, but used condoms and was in love, does that make me a bad person? Can anyone say that they have not kissed someone or had sex -safe sex even, with someone that knowingly or unknowingly has been exposed to it? So please do us all a favor and get off your high horses. And how hurtful to say that "we" should stick to special dating websites to date our own kind-how disrespectful and discriminating is that-especially when you could have it too. 1 in 4 have genital herpes, most don't know it,,and most don't want to know either. there is a statistic for you, scary huh, so before you condemn someone for having the honesty, and integrity to tell you, maybe they could be the love of your life, but you would never find out would you. maybe you should take a hard look at yourself first.

• silverwhisper said on Apr 20, 2008....

  hello, pumpkin1, welcome to my blog!
  
  you seem to be pretty embittered about some dating experiences you've had and for that i truly am sorry. yes, there's a certain amount of prejudice that people who have a STD have to withstand; and yes, there's certainly some ignorance as well. however, if you look more carefully, there are indeed commenters who know the things you say.
  
  ed

• pumpkin1 said on Apr 20, 2008....

  In all reality, I have encountered most of the predjudice from friends, sadly. The friends that think that they are safe because they have not been formally diagnosed with it, and frankly don't want to know, but are the first ones to make sure I'm informing my significant other about my issue. That is what makes me angy, and yes there were alot of posts from ppl that said they would be respectful to someone who confided in them, I think that is great, thanks to all who are open minded. I have had very good experiences so far with confiding my issue, not that it makes it any easier for me to discuss, I won't lie to you and say it doesn't keep me up at night wondering how to broach the subject, and the inner turmoil it causes me,I have too stong a conscience to not say anything. I just wish std's weren't so tabu, you would think in thid day and age it wouldn't be, I understand how people would even be afraid to think about having something like this,but it really doesn't affect my life, it's a skin issue, it's not life threatening, it needs to be put into perspective, it's very common, more than we would like to think.

• silverwhisper said on Apr 20, 2008....

  i agree that perspective is important (about a great number of things, really). some people simply cannot understand how hollow their words must ring when you're struggling with something, esp when they wax self-righteous about it as i sense your "friends" have with you.
  
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• pumpkin1 said on Apr 20, 2008....

  That is exactly the words I was looking for "self righteous", thank you. And yes a persons perspective on this is key in every part of life, I suppose I could crawl under a rock and hide from the world, and believe me I feel like it some days. And maybe I don't date as much as I would if this hadn't affected my life, but come to think of it, I generally like to build a real and lasting relationship as opposed to casual dating anyway, I always have, so I guess it really hasn't changed much for me. Actually I think of it kind of like a gift, it helps me weed out people that I really shouldn't be wasting my time and energy on in the long run. If someone defines me by this, and can't see what a great and caring person I am, then that is their problem, not that it doesn't hurt to be rejected, but.. I mean really, like someone said previously, what if we were talking about chicken pox, or shingles, or psoriasis, it wouldn't even be an issue, it's peoples perception of what's acceptable. I think there needs to be more info out there, it's sad Dr's don't even talk to you about this stuff, I was always under the assumption, that I got tested for std's when I went in for my yearly obgyn exam, guess what, we aren't, unless you have symptoms or ask to be tested. I had no idea, and I think that is what facilitates this culture of misinformation, and perception of std's these days.

• silverwhisper said on Apr 20, 2008....

  i have a friend, a very good friend, who's very active on the dating scene. he gets tested every 6 months, religiously, even though he does practice safe sex as rigorously as possible. it would never have occurred to me to get tested except on an ad hoc basis until he mentioned that to me!
  
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• 007Hardone said on Jul 17, 2008....

  I know the numbers of people with herpes is very high. Even so, If I cared for the person I was dating, safe sex would be a must and hopefully full disclosure about having herpes would be greatly appreciated. Having herpes would not stop me from a relationship with this person.

• silverwhisper said on Jul 18, 2008....

  hey, how'd you find this old blog entry?
  
  as you might've guessed from the tenor of the previous comments, i'm in agreement with you.
  
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