Tripping the unicorn or so they say...

My perspective is flat, but that's ok. It turns out kaleidoscopes are not all that great for your eyes anyways…especially in the dark. The man in the mirror is mocking me again, and I suspect he's stealing my socks. Sometimes I want to run away, but you know what they always say: "Turn around and put your hands in the air!" It suddenly occurred to me that, while we all know what they say, we don't know who they are, or why they say it. I think they play with kaleidoscopes in the dark, and are buying my argyles from the man in the mirror.

They say there's a God up in heaven, and they say pray to God and he will show you the way, lastly they say give 10% of your money to God. So I prayed to God, up in heaven, to show me they way to some money, and I promised to cut him in for 10%.

I wish God would pray to me sometimes. I know I don't have all the answers, but I've got two, and they're pretty good ones. I would tell him to immediately take all the Christians to heaven, to live with him forever. I'll bet we would have a new bible in less than two months, and shortly afterward Hell would be so full of Christians, even atheists wouldn't be carded at the pearly gates.

They say Christ was a carpenter. If Christ really was a carpenter, I would love to find his tool belt. I'll bet it's worth a fortune. I think if a Jew found it, he would sell it really cheap, because Christ was just another carpenter in their book. Actually, he's not even in their book. I guess he couldn't compete with Noah's ark building talent. The Jews already had a fine carpenter in their book, and Noah could count by two's too!

Christ was never very good at math (somewhere between Matthew 14:19 and 15:36, his five loaves turned into seven), so he had to walk on water to impress everybody, and prove he really was the Son of God. The Jews laughed at the Christian's carpenter, saying it was good he could walk on water, because he could never build an ark, and if he counted animals like he counted loaves, the world would never see a unicorn again.

The Christians responded: "Well let's see your precious unicorns walk on water." It turned out that the unicorns could neither walk on water, nor swim, and were soon drowning in the Sea of Galilee. Christ walked out on the water to save them but, unable to count by two's he saved just one, and the only other unicorn to survive the flood, thanks to Noah's arkmanship, and spectacular math skills, drowned. Later, Christ tried to split the unicorn, as he had the loaves, and yet again he lost count. The Jews saw to it that the unicorn was Christ's last supper.

They say the Jews hollowed out the unicorn's horn, filled it with gold flakes and gazed to the sky on starry nights, hoping to see a sign of Kaleido, their brave unicorn. The tradition passed from generation to generation until one fateful night, a young Jewish lad known only as: O'Leary, a maker of lamps from imported lava, inadvertently began spinning the scope while looking into the sky. They say the shifting flakes of gold, reflected the star light in such a profound way, the boy swore he saw his sister: Lucy in the sky that night, wearing diamonds. The boy's Jewish/Irish immigrant parents, were shocked by their son's revelation, and stated profusely that they had no other children, promising to get the boy some counseling. *Some say, Kaleido's scope rests on the bottom of the Sea of Galilee, in perpetual search of the unicorn, although thousands of sightings are reported across the globe each year, mostly by Christians complaining the gold flakes are unsuitable for children three and under.

O'Leary, joined a Jewish cult and wondered the desert for 40 years, searching the sky for Lucy's diamonds, and later settled back home in Ireland on a cotton plantation his uncle Oxy farmed. Quoting they, he once admitted that, while pharming Oxy's cotton eased the pain and offered comfort, it could never compare to his first trip in the desert, and what he often referred to as his quest for Lucy's Sky Diamonds.

Whoa… I think I just heard someone rustling through my sock drawer, it's dark in there and I can not find my kaleidoscope anywhere. Well, you know what they say… JM

* Some: a subgroup or fraction of they, generally not considered an authority or representative of they.