So today I was approved to withdraw from school, it wasn't exactly easy to get that approval from school either. After weeks of not keeping up with my homework and being unfocused I figured enough is enough. Part of me does feel like a failer for not seeing it through and part of me is so very relieved. I was faced with some very hard classes in a very hard school. I had to live and take care of myself for pretty much the first time. I had to get my car fixed when I first started school. I also had my personal problems and family problems stacking up on top of all the rest. I've done it all pretty much on my own for the past 6 months, making only one friend in the process. I am sad that I couldn't handle it all, but I'm happy that I at least tried and learned quite a lot about myself.
I have finally seen how bad my anxiety is, I thought moving away and starting over would give me more confidence to be who I am, but I just see that I go through the same patterns of avoidance that I've always done. Now I know I really need to fix that part of myself and get some long term help for it. I think from there a lot of things that will fall into place, I'll be more confident and willing to meet people. I hope that my personality and expressing myself will be much easier to show after I deal with all my anxiety. I finally get how hard life is, it never occurred to me before that I'm all on my own out in this crazy world and that my laundry won't get done on it's own or I won't have food if I don't have money to buy some. I've learned there are some really nice people out there and then there are some mean people, and I don't feel ready to deal with them yet, but I hope one day I can. I'm sure theres more things that I've learned, so I'll post those when they come to me.
I think I'll miss this place though, it's so pretty, yet one must work very hard to be here. Which makes sense to earn your place in such a lovely area. Tomorrow perhaps I'll take some pictures and make a blog about my time here, I think it be fun to have for the future and help me appreciate what I have tried to do.
In the mean time I will try not to feel to guilty about giving up, I have to learn my limits I guess. Or maybe I just had to see that I need some help and that I can't do it all on my own like I thought.
