See SoulCast's # 1 All Time Featured Post Here: The Naked Professor Shows His Credentials: ANATOMY 101

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK THEM TO MAKE POLITCAL SPEECHES SHORTER AND LESS BORING

I've tried listening to a bit of the electioneering and while I'm as much a glutton for punishment as the next person, I can only stomach so much before I start looking around for something sharp with which to slash my wrists.

There is a sameness to all of these speeches. I think we can save millions of dollars and return prime time tv to it's usual reality shows featuring the inbred of our society by adopting one, short common speech that can be used by all candidates, regardless of party, PAC funding or Chappaquiddick-related drownings in their past.

Here is my one-size-fits all political speech:

(LOUD CHEERING AND WAVING OF SIGNS)

"My fellow (republicans/democrats/corporate donors), as I stand before you tonight, I am (proud/shocked/incredibly drunk) to be your nominee for the office of President of the United States. Your support is indeed (humbling/financially rewarding/deeply disturbing) and I intend to carry your message of (hope/fiscal responsibility/free Krispy Kreme donuts for everyone) all the way to (the White House/the next party).

When I first began (this journey/drinking heavily/accepting cash under the table), there was but a glimmer of (hope/chance of my past felonies being uncovered) and many were the nights I spent in a lonely hotel room (wondering if it was worth it/searching the yellow pages for escort services). But, after your (show of support/cease and desist orders), I realized that I must press on with the (good fight/shameless self promotion).

(MORE WILD CHEERING)

We must return America to (its former greatness/the little people/the highest bidder)! We can no longer allow the (morons on the left/morons on the right/stand up, sit down fight fight fight) to take this great country (down the road to ruin/for granted/to the cleaners)! It's about time that we (stand up and be counted/sit down and shut up/had another drink at the free bar downstairs)!
(THE CROWD GOES WILD)

In closing, I ask that you thoughtfully consider (voting for me/having me arrested/serving as an intern in my administration - wink wink) and helping to make this country (that shining city on a hill/the village that it takes to raise a child).

Thank you for the (confidence you have shown in me/tax-free summer home on the coast) and may (God bless/we never get caught)!!

(WILD CHEERING MIXED WITH SNORING)