Admiral Obama will most certainly lead us to victory in Pakistan and Peoria, based on his keen understanding of military science...

1. Thinks Pensacola probably tastes a lot like Pepsi, only with half the calories.

2. Overheard recent House armed services committee discussion about Fort Lewis, immediately started humming "Heart of Rock & Roll".

3. During first eight months of initial Senate term he kept referring to DOD HQ as the "Pentangle".

4. Still can't find Rwanda, Somalia, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Indonesia, or Pakistan on John Kerry's waterproofed map of Greater Cambodia.

5. Thinks a flag officer is an elevated school crossing guard in select East Coast suburbs.

6. Saw war hero John McCain on CNN talking from the Fort Bragg O-Club, automatically assumed chat location had something to do with Oprah.

7. General Powell asked him to visit the Gitmo BX some time. He said "Great, I love those cool California dirt bikes."

8. Demands our troops withdraw now from Philadelphia, NOLA, and Compton, since the civil wars there are most certainly lost, and those people really don't want us there anyway.

9. Never visited Pearl Harbor while in Hawaii, since he already owned enough Miki Moto and Maui Wowee.

10. Thinks Hitler, Stalin, Ho, and Castro were just misunderstood, and a lot of sensitive smiling would have made things all better at Yalta, Hanoi, Buchenwald, and the Bay of Pigs.

11. Whenever he's scheduled to meet someone about the 1st Cav, brings a tooth brush and a tube of Crest.

12. Told in no uncertain terms by Joe Biden that "NTC" stands for Nightly Talent Club. Believed it. Later blamed the evil Canadian president.

13. Convinced the Apollo space mission was named after a theater in Harlem, and has half a moon walk to prove it.

14. Believes the venerable Old Guard is comprised of Robert Byrd, Nancy Pelosi, Hugo Chavez, and Jane Fonda, plus Ted Kennedy's liver.

15. Just another half-baked, half-imported also-ran at the 2008 Senate Democrat Party Spelin Bee.