I used to have a Labrador retriever

I used to have a Labrador retriever, so I was buying
a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart one day and was in
line to check out.
    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    On impulse, I told her "No," but that I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I
was on the diet, but I HAD lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way it works is that you load your pants pockets
with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,
so I was going to try the diet again.
    Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in
the ER because I'd been poisoned by the Purina.
    I told her, "No, actually I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls when a car hit me."



Definition of the difference between "GUTS" and "BALLS

Definition of the difference between "GUTS" and "BALLS":
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the
boys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say,
"You're next!"

Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinic that offers blondes
a great discount?
A: There's a waiting list a year long.

Q: How many feminoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: THATS NOT FUNNY (must yell it).
A2: Trick question, feminoids can't change anything.
A3: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to suck my cock.

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Hand the broad a shovel.

Q: How do you get a dead baby into a bowl?
A: Blender.
Q: How do you get it back out again?
A: Bag of potato chips.

Q: Who do blondes always take a quarter on their dates?
A: So that if they can't come, they can call.

Q: What is the ultimate embarrassment to a man?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



There was the blonde    

There was the blonde who said she'd do anything to get
a fur coat, and now she can't button it around her stomach.

        
Soccer joke

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45
minutes and still come second.



A doctor says to his patient

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what"s the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That"s terrible," said the patient. "How can any news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Q: Why were blondes given bigger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump men's legs at parties.

Q: What's he difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.