One of the many things I struggle with in my overactive brain is paranoia. Not the sort of paranoia where I think the government is plotting against me. Or that my house is bugged. I’m not quite that crazy. But I get paranoid a lot that people dislike me. Or that they’re talking bad about me behind my back. It happens when for one reason or another, my usual friendships seem to be changing. Recently, I’ve had a fallout with a friend of mine from work. Another friend of mine, who I thought everything was fine with, has stopped speaking to me. I have no idea why. Another friend seems to be upset with me too, because they aren’t acting the same. And now every place I look, I’m wondering what’s being said about me.
Every time someone at work whispers or laughs or looks at me, I assume I’m being mocked or ridiculed. Maybe I am? But maybe I’m not too. I just don’t know. But my mind always assumes the worst. And I hate being ignored, which is what this other friend is doing to me. He won’t answer my emails. Which on the surface might not be a huge deal, but you’ll just have to trust me when I say it is. It’s not like him. The only time he ignores me is when he’s mad at something. Only how can I know what it is if he won’t talk to me? The other situation is trickier and more complicated. I can’t get into it, but I get the distinct feeling this other person is saying bad things about me to someone else. And so on and so forth.
I feel ostracized. I’m an outcast. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable. The only person who has a reason to be mad at me, is the friend from work. I screwed up there and I admit it. But I can’t seem to admit it to him. I’m horrible at saying I’m sorry. Especially when even if I was out of line, I think they were too. We were both out of line. And I take this stance of, if he’s not going to apologize to me, I’m not apologizing to him. So instead we just ignore each other. But I hate it. I suppose I could try and fix it, but right now I’m just so on edge. I feel like the world is against me and no one understands me and everyone is laughing at me. Mocking me. Saying what a head case I am.
Stress like this is what causes my panic to get worse. And it doesn’t help the depression either. I was so upset and sick at the thought of going to work today, I could feel another attack coming on. I almost wanted to stay home and hide from the world. But I forced myself to leave the house. I have to make a living. I can’t let this illness and my own paranoia take over my entire life. I’m a master at pretending to be fine when I’m not. No one usually knows, unless they happen to have a good intuition. No one at work bothers to delve that deeply into my life, so I’m usually safe. The only one who might know something was wrong, is the very person who won’t talk to me anymore.
Somehow I managed to make it through my day without completely losing it. But I’m still on edge. And I’m mad at the people who are ignoring me, without cause. The guy at work, I understand. But the others? How can I even fix something when no one will tell me what I did wrong? I’m imagining hostility everywhere, and I don’t even know if it’s real. Sometimes if one person is confirmed mad at me, I assume everyone else shares their view, and I just withdraw and lock myself away. Too afraid to speak to anyone for fear that they too have a problem with me. In my head, there’s always an I hate Thorn convention going on. And everyone has gathered together to swap notes about the things they hate about me.
This is what it’s like to be in my head. I want out. I don’t want to be so paranoid. I wish I could just buck up and apologize to the guy who deserves it. And I wish I could just say screw it and forget the people who are ignoring me. And actually mean it. I can say I don’t care what they think, but I wouldn’t actually feel it. I want to feel it. I want to be one of those people who doesn’t care what the world thinks of him. But I do. Especially the part of the world that I thought was my own. Maybe I really don’t care what the guy down the street thinks of me, but I do care what people who I thought were friends, think of me. Is that so weird? Maybe it’s not, but maybe it is when I let my thoughts run away with me like this.
I’m feeling like I want to be in hermit mode. I want to stay inside and not speak to anyone except my girlfriend. She’s safe. She loves me. But I don’t know about anyone else. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day with her and pretend the outside world doesn’t even exist. In my home, in our bed, in her arms….I make sense there. I’m accepted there. I’m understood there. But the minute I leave that world, and go into the real one, I feel lost. I hate it there. It’s hard and cold and unfriendly and confusing. I feel as if I don’t belong there sometimes. Like I’m not made to walk in this world. Just a lost angel longing for peace that he’ll never find.
And the worst part is, I bring all of this on myself. Why can’t I ever learn? I think I just want to curl up in that bed now with my girl so I can feel safe and loved and like I belong again. And maybe tomorrow when I wake up, everything will feel okay again. One can dream…
