It is truly amazing how quickly some pirates can go in and out of your life!  I meant to write about this quite a while ago, but life has just been so hectic.  Still, the kruublog just wouldn’t seem complete if I left out this little episode.  If you’ve kept up with the pirate series, and the apartment hunting series, you can probably scroll down quite a ways before you get to the parts that are entirely new.

Back in September, when I was looking for a shared flat to live in by October 1, things were getting down to the wire, and I still wasn’t having any luck.  I’ve blogged about my difficulties in finding living space in Prague before, and if you’ve read any of those posts, you’ll know that there is a fierce competition for shared flats here.  For every available room, it seems that there are about a hundred people, mostly expats, who are desperate to move in.

I’d seen many flats that I would have loved to live in… great locations, great architecture, great prices, and sometimes even great flatmates with whom I had sat down with over a cup of tea and had very pleasant conversations.  Many times, I thought I had a deal clinched, but they had several other appointments lined up for other potential flatmates to come and take a look.  And somehow, they always seemed to choose one of them instead of me.

So, here it was, the last week in September, and I was beginning to feel a little panicked.  I did have one possibility.  I had seen a wonderful flat that was delightfully light and breezy in a free standing building with all the modern conveniences while maintaining a bit of old fashioned charm.  It even came with a piano, and the girl who would be my flatmate was very nice.  We had a lot in common, and she wanted me to move in.  The only problem was the location.  It was way outside the city… practically out by the airport.  It would have been convenient for work days, because I was teaching at the airport at the time, but I wouldn’t feel like I was living in Prague.  I wanted to be in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of the city.

So, I told the girl, Zuzana, that I would give her my decision in a couple of days, because I had one more place lined up to see.  This place was located right in the heart of everything, so I just had to give it a shot.  I was going to be seeing it on Sunday, and I would let her know soon after that. 

Sunday morning, Gaspar, the guy from the flat I was going to see, called to confirm our appointment and give me the address.  I was excited about seeing it.  I just had a feeling that this was going to be the one.  I left early so that I would be there on time.  While I was on the tram, my mobile phone rang.  It was Gaspar apologizing for having to cancel the appointment.  He said that he’d thought the girl that occupied the room at the time was going to be gone in the afternoon, but she was still there and sleeping, and she had told him that she didn’t want to be bothered.  I told him that I was already on the tram and asked if I could just see the rest of the flat, and if I liked it, I would come back later to see the room.  He agreed.

I arrived in what I hoped would be my new neighborhood with a half hour to spare.  As I got off the tram, I chucked my tram ticket into a waste basket out of habit.  A few steps later, I realized that what I had chucked into the waste basket wasn’t a tram ticket, but the little slip of paper that I had written the address on! 

I hurried back to see if I could retrieve the address, but I couldn’t find it.  Fortunately, I remembered the name of the street and the nearest cross street, and I had a vague idea of what the number might be, so my plan was to look at the apartment buildings on that block and check for Gaspar’s name.  But, I didn’t have any luck, so I had to swallow my pride, call Gaspar, and admit my incompetence to carry out a simple task like remembering where I was going.

I was practically in front of his apartment building when I called him, so there was no delay.  It was an interesting marble building.  Kind of modern for my tastes, but the surrounding buildings were more old fashioned, and there were plenty of outdoor cafes in the neighborhood.  The man who came to let me in was a bit older than most of the other people I’d met during my search for housing in Prague.  Finally, someone closer to my own age.

He seemed a bit nervous, and I hoped that he wasn’t judging me negatively.  We went up to the flat, and he was in the middle of a construction project… making a separate entrance for the room that would be mine, because it now opened up onto the living room which served as Gaspar’s bedroom.  He had his sleeping quarters sectioned off with some curtains, but he said it wasn’t convenient.  He hoped that the whole project would be done by the end of the month, less than a week away.

I was quite impressed with the apartment.  It had a foyer with a faux fireplace, and there was a balcony off the kitchen.  There were also a couple of love seats in the kitchen to make up for the missing living room.  Since I couldn’t go into the room that was for rent, because of the sleeping girl, Gaspar showed me the view from his room which was the same view that the other room had.  It was spectacular.  The window looked out onto some beautiful art nouveau buildings.  And the street was wide enough to let the sun shine in in the morning.  I could see waking up to that every day.  I really wanted to live in this flat, and I believed that all my past travails had served the purpose of leading me to this place.

I was aware that I had to make Gaspar want me to move in, too.  It wasn’t enough to just be nice.  I had to be interesting.  Well, I am interesting… it just doesn’t usually show on the first meeting.  So, somehow, I found a way to work my lifestyle into the conversation.  I talked about my travels in Mexico and Thailand, and my experiences volunteering on organic farms around Europe.  I talked about some of the things I was doing in Prague… I’d just bought a violin and was looking for a teacher… I had just auditioned for a play, I was writing a novel, etc. etc. 

Gaspar seemed interested in my stories and had a few of his own.  He had lived in New York for 15 years, working as a taxi driver, which was why he spoke English so well.  He barely even had an accent.  We got to talking about furniture and home decorating, and he showed me some pictures of some furniture that an artist friend of his made.  It was wooden furniture carved in bizarre shapes and brightly painted.  It reminded me of the alebrijes that they make around Oaxaca in Mexico.

While we were chatting, the girl who lived in “my” room woke up, came out and left the flat, so I got to go in and see.  It was a spacious enough room and pleasantly furnished and even had wardrobe.  This would be a first during my stay in Prague.  Indeed, I was impressed with the standard of living that Gaspar seemed to maintain.  There was even a clothes dryer!  Every flat in Prague has a washing machine, but I have never before or since seen a clothes dryer in this city!

I could have talked to Gaspar all day, but I could see that he was itching to get back to work.  He’d been holding off while the girl was asleep, because he didn’t want to wake her, but now he wanted to take advantage of the time he had.  I told him I was definitely interested and was prepared to go to the cash machine to get money for a deposit right then and there if I could hold the room. 

He said that he still had to talk to his other flatmate, an American guy (he’d shown me photos of him on his computer), and that he would call me that very night.  He added that he had only contacted one other person about the flat, and he didn’t prefer the other guy, because guys tended to be sloppy, so they really wanted a woman to move in.  I asked if I should come and meet the other flatmate, Ben, but Gaspar said it wasn’t necessary.

I left in a state of elation, and on the way home, I stopped at a cash machine just to be ready for his call.  I was willing to come back that night to pay the deposit and hold the room. 

The call never came, and I went to sleep thinking he had probably just gotten wrapped up in his construction project.  I didn’t want to interrupt him… and I didn’t want to seem overeager.  Because I was.

I checked my email first thing in the morning, and there was no word from Gaspar.  I had to go to work early in the morning, and I hoped his call would come during the day.  During my lunch break, my phone rang, and it was, not Gaspar, but Zuzana…the girl with the flat out by the airport.

She wondered if I had made a decision yet, because out of all the people she had met, she liked me the best, but a friend of her sister’s was coming to see the flat that night, and she wanted to know what she should tell her.  I told her about my situation with Gaspar’s flat, and asked when she needed to know.  She said the girl was coming over at 7, and I promised to call her before 6.

A few minutes later, a text message came in to my mobile.  That must be Gaspar, I thought.  But no.  It was Piotr.  I had looked at Piotr’s flat at the beginning of the month, but it was in a communist style high rise apartment complex so far out of Prague that I’d rather leave Europe altogether than live there.  I had told him shortly after seeing his place that I’d decided on another flat.  When he saw me advertising for a place again, he’d emailed asking what had happened.  I told him that the deal had fallen through, but I was still looking for something more central.  But because things hadn’t been going well, I told him I’d be in touch if I couldn’t find anything else, and he’d said that he would hold the room for me.  I didn’t like the feeling of obligation that that left me with, but at least I knew I wouldn’t be living in the streets.

Piotr’s SMS asked if I’d made a decision, because he had other people interested in the room and had to know by 6 that night.  I told him I still wasn’t sure, and I’d let him know by 6.

I was beginning to get antsy, wondering why Gaspar hadn’t called.  I sent him an SMS asking if he’d made a decision.  I figured that would be the least obstrusive way to contact him, because I didn’t want to disturb him if he was at work.  He’d told me that he worked with investments, and the last thing I wanted to do was interrupt a meeting with a client.

By the end of the work day, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I determined that, if he didn’t call by 5, I would call him.  But, in order to do that, I was going to have to buy credit for my phone, so I headed to the old towne square and the only Vodafone outlet that I knew of.  I got my phone charged up and with a sense of dread, I dialed Gaspar’s number.  When he answered, I tried to sound light and breezy and asked him if he had made a decision yet.

He seemed surprised and almost disoriented at hearing from me and stammered,

“I sent you a long email…”

“I haven’t been home all day.”

“Oh.  I had to decide to give the room to somebody else.”

I froze. 

“Oh.”

“I… I explained it to you in the email.”

I thanked him curtly and hung up.  Still throbbing from my loss, I called Zuzana.

“If I came over with a deposit right now, would you be willing to cancel your other appointment?”

She was apologetic, but she had promised the girl she could come over, and since this was a good friend of her sister’s, if she liked the girl at least as much as she liked me, she was going to have to decide for the girl.  I didn’t really blame her.  She knew about my reluctance to live so far out of the city.  She asked about the other flat, and I told her what had happened.  She said she’d let me know as soon as she had made her decision, but I already knew what her decision was going to be.

While I was still sitting on a bench in the pedestrian mall, my phone rang, and it was my boss, Evil Eva, wanting to know if I’d take on another class.  I told her that I couldn’t possibly consider any more work right then.  It was only a few days before the end of the month, and I didn’t have a place to live!

She sounded concerned and wanted to help.  The school, she said, owned some flats.  One of them was a studio in a nice location, central, but conveniently located near the airport bus stop.  There were also some possibilities in shared flats that she owned.  I could stay there long term or just while I kept looking.  It was up to me.  I asked her how much the rent would be, and she said we’d talk about it the following day when I came in to teach.  I thanked her and said I would think about it.

I only had to think about it for a few minutes  before I decided not to put my trust in Evil Eva.  My friend, Dana, had told me that when she first started working for Eva, her husband had offered her an apartment for 50,000 a month… only ten times the going rate!  She managed to negotiate it down to 5,000, but with Eva’s reluctance to talk money over the phone, I thought she was just waiting for me to back myself into a corner until I was desperate and would have to take it at any price.

So, as I’ve written about before in my post Kruuyai Exiled to Communist Bloc, I sent an SMS to Piotr and asked if the room was still available and if he would consider renting it to me on a temporary basis while I kept looking for something more central.  The rest is history.  I became a temporary resident of the Gulag.

Meanwhile, after I sent that SMS to Piotr, I went home to check my email and see what Gaspar could have possibly written… what lame excuse he could have given for choosing someone else.  I felt like he had really led me on.  Here’s what he said.

Hi Kruuyai,

Yesterday I was waiting for Ben to come home to ask him about his opinion. I couldn't ignore his opinion, he’s been living here for a year, and surprisingly now he wants to live with someone who also knows Czech, because of language learning aspirations, he wants to get married here :-), so he wants to learn. And since I plan to go Australia and Fiji for 3 months during winter, I let him to influence decision and he preferred somebody else.

To tell you the truth he is different, he's fun and responsible and nice person, but he's not into art, alternative or noncommercial stuff like you and me, and he was also concerned that you guys are too different.

Kruuyai I'm sorry for any inconveniences, it's not easy for me to turn you down, because I was really glad to meet you and I would love to see you and talk to you again. You are very interesting person, and I admire your experiences, traveling, easy going attitude, perhaps lightness of being and your values.

I understand you might be disappointed a little about the outcome, but hopefully you are not going to be angry at me, and after I'm going to finish this door improvement on Sunday, I would like to invite you for a coffee sometimes and hopefully I'm gonna talk to you again, because it was really nice to meet somebody like you, and I would like to talk to you again. Gaspar

So, now I was being turned down for being too interesting!  And all because of some creepy Californian who’d come to Prague to look for a wife, because he was probably too much of a loser to find one in his own country!  I was really pissed… and upset… and intrigued by Gaspar’s invitation… but mostly I was just devastated by my rotten luck.  I should have waited to answer the email, and I thought about it, but I went ahead and fired this one off:

Hi Gaspar,

I'm not angry, but I'm so disappointed that I'm crying as I write this.  I understand why you made your decision, and I have also had to understand why so many other people have made the same decision.  They all want to meet me for coffee, but nobody wants to live with me. After looking for an entire month with the same results, I had to take a room from the only person who would have me.. in a bloc of communist style flats in a sidliste far, far from the center.  The apartment has everything I need, but I know I am going to be very depressed living there, and I only took it, because he said I could rent it temporarily while I keep looking for another place.  But quite honestly, I don't know if I can take another month of rejections, so I have decided that, if I don't find something better next month, I will leave Prague, because I didn't come here for that kind of lifestyle. 

I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but I think if you want to know me, then I should be honest with you about how I feel (also, I'm responding to your email at a moment when I'm feeling it most intensely), and I'm just not feeling much "lightness of being" right now, but I do appreciate the reference to one of my favorite books.  But I should be calmed down after I move, and then, if you are still interested, I'll be happy to meet you for coffee or tea. 

Take care,

Kruuyai

I thought twice before hitting the ‘send’ button, but I did it, and I figured I’d probably ruined any chances of seeing him again with my pathetic, whiny email, but I almost didn’t care.

It didn’t take me more than a couple of days after I moved into the Gulag to find just what I was looking for… a centrally located flat with a great view… shared with a (American) guy who had a big dog.  Life was going to get good again.  I’d get out of the Gulag, and the experience would be something I could tell the grandkittens about.  I only had to get through a month at the Gulag before I moved into the lovely Winter Palace.

At about the same time that I found the Winter Palace, I got this email from Gaspar:

Hi Kruuyai,

I have just finished the demolition of 2 walls, it was easy to say, harder to realize, as always :-). I'm exhausted, but rooms were separate on Sept. 31. as I said, still it's gonna take couple of weeks to accomplish complete task to the end. And hopefully door and frame is going to be made before the end of October. If you won't be successful to find anything appropriate during October, you could live here in the living room (in the largest and nicest room)-start November 1., I would move into the smallest room, I'm not going to be in Prague all the time, so I don't care that much. I would even offer you to share living room with me right now, but it's not appropriate since we know each other for only a half an hour. But next month we could sort it out if you won't find anything better than 'sidliste' during October.

I know it's frustrating - rejections and to spend a lot of time just to find a decent place in sunnier side in any city (in country it's always much easier), besides work and other stuff, but don't worry - you have soft cushion here, in the case you won't be successful to find anything better than sidliste :-). I understand your feelings. I was temporally living in sidliste studio for 2 months, I didn't mind the apartment, but surroundings and assembly line people around... I'm sure that after initial problems you'll have more time to see the positive sides of Prague - history, architecture, galleries, culture, great deal of freedom etc.

Yes, I used a line from Kundera's book, even though I wasn't aware of it, but I'm positively surprised that it's one of your favorite books. I liked it too.

I'll be busy for I suppose another 2 weeks with this living improvements in my spare time, then I can try to call you to invite you for a chat over a either cup of coffee or tea.

Meanwhile, wishing all the best and mostly positive experiences in Prague.

Gaspar

He attached a few photos of his construction project including one of himself measuring the doorway.  Hmmm, I thought, I wonder why I didn’t notice how good looking he was when I met him.  He was downright cute.  And those muscular forearms were really sexy.  I was really looking forward to that cup of tea. 

I whipped off another email to him, thanking him for his offer.  I let him know about the Winter Palace, but that I would keep his offer in mind in case anything went wrong. 

Well, shortly before my move, scheduled for November 1, things at the Winter Palace got very weird.  If you want to read about it, check out The Universe Screams – Part I and The Universe Screams – Part 2.  Things got so weird, in fact, that I decided I couldn’t move into the Winter Palace.  Now, I was right back where I started from.  I sat down on the shoe bench in the

Gulag and had a good cry.  Then, I texted Piotr and asked him if I could stay for another month.  He said I could, but then he was going to need the room at the end of the month for his kids, because his ex was moving out of the Gulag, and they were going to be visiting on weekends.

I got in touch with my friend, Dana, and made arrangements for her to help me move my stuff back to the Gulag (I’d rented the room in the Winter Palace from mid October just to hold it, and I’d already moved most of my stuff over there). 

Then, I remembered Gaspar’s offer.  I hadn’t heard from him since that last email, and I’d been kind of keeping track of the time and expecting to hear from him.  Since he wasn’t answering emails, I decided to send him an SMS.

I asked if his offer still stood, explaining that my living arrangement had fallen through.  He answered right away and said that the offer still stood, and asked if I wanted to get together the next day to talk about it.  Finally, I had a date with Gaspar.  Yippee!

He called the next day to see if I still wanted to go out.  Of course, I did.  He said that he didn’t really want to go and sit in a restaurant or anything, because he hadn’t been feeling that well, and suggested that we could go for a walk around 7 p.m.  That was fine with me, and we made arrangements to meet at a tram stop in Malastrana. 

As usual, I left plenty early to be sure and get there on time.  I stood in front of a fruit and vegetable stand waiting, and when it was about 10 minutes after our rendezvous time, I took a look at my mobile.  There was a text message from Gaspar… it was so long that it came in several parts:

Hi Kruuyai, I can’t go out tonight.  My personal life is in a mess now.  I thought I’ll be able to pretend to be cheerful for this evening, cause I liked you, but as far as a friendship or a date, I’m not worthy yet and that’s also why I haven’t replied on your email.  I don’t wanna humiliate myself and you don’t wonn t I can’t.  I’m still blue and jobless right now and I’m walking disaster.  In the case you’d like to live here, that room is available Nov. 1 and I need to rent it, b a see me like this before I get back.  I’m sorry.  Gaspar

I was stunned.  And I really needed to rent that flat.  I punched out a response to his text:

Gaspar: I’m still interested in room but how will we arrange it if we don’t meet?  You don’t have to be cheery.  Maybe you need to talk?  Kruuyai

A few minutes later, my phone rang, and it was Gaspar.  He asked if I was already there.  I told him that I was, and he said that he’d be there in 10 minutes.  It was more like 20 minutes, but he showed up.   He greeted me with a smile, getting off the tram, and he looked so much better than I’d remembered him looking… even better than the photo.  He was dressed in a Navy blue pea coat and jeans, and his soft, brown hair was blowing capriciously in the breeze. 

We started walking in the general direction of the castle.  It was a surprisingly warm night, considering how cold it had been recently.  I was just getting over a cold, so I was grateful for the reprieve. 

As we walked, he told me about some of the things that had gotten him down.  When he’d told me that he worked with trading stocks, I’d assumed that he was a stock broker, but as it turned out, he’d been a day trader and had done well for a long time, but had lost a fortune overnight.  So, he was depressed about that.  And to make matters worse, he was having problems with his flatmate.  They’d been good friends when Ben had first moved in, and Gaspar and his then girlfriend had always tried to introduce Ben to Czech girls, since he was hell bent on finding a wife. 

But then, after Gaspar broke up with his girlfriend, he said, Ben didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with him.  He started acting really cold toward him.  He thought it might have had something to do with a girl that Ben dated for a while.  Ben had found this girl through an ad on an online Czech dating site, and had put his age at 29 even though he was in his mid thirties.  When the girl asked him why he had lied about his age, he’d told her that Gaspar had written the ad for him, and that he’d told him to say that he was younger.  So, instead of being mad at Ben, the girl was mad at Gaspar.

Didn’t seem like much of a reason for a friendship to end, but Gaspar thought it might also have something to do with the fact that he, Gaspar, was depressed after losing all his money.  Ben had changed completely and didn’t want to  talk to Gaspar.  When Gaspar tried to talk to him, he just said that all they had was a business arrangement, and they shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.  That really hurt Gaspar, and he couldn’t understand it. 

Then, the girl who moved in in my place, a Macedonian named Jolanda who, by the way, didn’t even speak Czech (remember, that was why Ben rejected me), started acting the same way… and she’d only been there a month.  She and Ben got along great together, and made meals together, but whenever Gaspar walked into the room, they gave him the silent treatment.  He tried to talk to her about it, but she gave him the same story about this being a business arrangement.

Gaspar felt like an outsider in his own house, and he surprised me by telling me that he had told Ben and Jolanda that they had to move out at the end of November.  Ben, he said, had responded by saying,

“I’m moving.  And I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry.”

That sounded like a weird comment to me, but I didn’t dig deeper.  As we continued to walk, the conversation drifted off to other areas.  I told Gaspar about my problems with The Fugitive, and we both seemed to feel better for having gotten everything off our chests. 

We ended up on the Charles Bridge, and miraculously, there were almost no tourists out.  It was a clear night, and as we talked the Prague Castle and the Vltava River served as a stunning background to Gaspar’s silhouette from which his eyes, blue like deep, deep lakes, gazed into mine. 

He was all smiles as he reminisced about a pet squirrel that he had in New York.  He’d found it as a baby, nearly dead from dehydration, and nursed it back to health.  He used to take it with him everywhere, and it really attracted a lot of attention.  Then, one day, he took it for a bike ride.  That was the one thing the squirrel didn’t like was riding on the bike.  It was probably afraid of the speed, and Gaspar usually carried it in his bag so it wouldn’t be afraid, but he admitted to being selfish that day.  He liked the attention that he got when people could see the squirrel.  So he rode with it on his leg. 

He didn’t notice when it jumped down, but it suddenly wasn’t there anymore.  He went back to where he thought it should be and looked, but he couldn’t find it.  He kept going back for several days, but didn’t find it.

Then, one day, he saw a junkie in the park with a tame squirrel that he had on a leash.  He was sure it was his squirrel, so he paid the junkie $20 to give it to him.  He said that junkie cried when he gave the squirrel up, but he took it.  In the cab on the way home, Gaspar realized that the squirrel was crazy.  The junkie had been injecting it with heroin too!  Gaspar nursed the squirrel through its withdrawal, and when it was better, he let it go free.  How could you not love a guy like that? 

I could have talked to him all night, but I had to be up early for work the next day.  It was Sunday night, and we parted with the understanding that I would move in on Thursday, and it could be long term.  To save me the hassle of moving all my stuff all the way back to the Gulag and then back into town two days later, he said I could drop my stuff off on Tuesday and store it in his extra room until I moved in.  I was so happy, and now I was sure that all my trials and tribulations were finally going to pay off.

On Monday night, I wrote Gaspar an email thanking him for helping me out and telling him that I really enjoyed our conversation and looked forward to the move.  On Tuesday morning, the day that I was to move my things over to Gaspar’s I checked my email and found this:

Hi Kruuyai, I was glad that I went to meet you last night and we talked about different things. I felt much better when I was coming home and I didn't need to drink a wine like in previous days to get at least a good sleep. I admire Ben that he never touches alcohol even in difficult times, but I was drinking wine almost every evening recently, even though I don't like it either.

Yesterday after I met you I didn't need any night cap. :-)

I'm sorry about my winning, I haven't even told you about all the things which have happened to me since I returned to Czech R, one after another, I thought I've already hit the bottom a year ago, and today it seems like it's never ending. Btw. I've got email from Exxon that they won't employed me-but this is nothing-I'll find another job, but during this afternoon my last little investment dropped another 67%. U can take a look at the chart and what happened today with my last hope- [link]  I used to be successful freelance day-trader, but since I fell in love this spring, I started to be careless, I used to go out instead of working, and I lost $80thousand almost overnight. When I got dumped, I was in shock twice as much, I started to risk a lot, even though it's against my policy, but you know, I didn't think straight in that time and I lost the rest. And today with that little investment I've got left - it was my air plane ticket btw, I lost all last hope.. Usually I wouldn't keep shares in such a bad company, it was meant just for single afternoon, but at that point I wasn't sharp as usually and I got scared to do anything and walked away from it and since then I stocked with it and...

This afternoon my last hope put me right back into bed and I wasn't able to continue working on that door and I had to close my eyes and start thinking about last few months and how to get back out of the woods.

Also the reason why Ben is avoiding me might have something to do with the fact that he was glad to hang out with me, when I was successful in everything and now when I don't exactly ride Gravy train, it's no use to hang out with unsuccessful people. This part I understand, but we used to do a lot of things together and I was hoping that we are friends. Last time I was talking to him, he advised me, I can't expect to mix business arrangements with friendship, that was news for me, but Jolanda has actually expressed the same opinion. I didn't tell them about my troubles, everybody has their own, but they must feel it that I'm not too happy in these days.

This afternoon, I was trying to find the best way to get out of this situation. The most I miss in my life is somebody who cares. l guess like most normal people on this planet. That's why I need a steady job first of all, I feel like renting rooms is not solution. I realized I don't wonna go into that maid room to get out of bad financial situation, not even for a month. And maybe Blair is right, not to mix business with personal life, so in the future I don't wonna be sharing home with business people.

I've realized I'd like to find a woman - life companion, more than my personal need of hobbies, maybe I still wonna have a kid. I just need to do the right thing and everything else will follows by itself.

I've realized I don't want to go through that humiliation to live in that small room, I would survive 1 month- I'm not from sugar and it would financially speed things up a little, but that's not a solution.

Kruuyai, I've realized I need to live in this bedroom, I don't want you to see me to live in that "shithole", and I don't want to mix my future friends with Ben and Jolanda. Most importantly I need to find a job during November, still I'm gonna need to rent 2 rooms on Dec.1. before I get first salary in January (Europe), and if I should see it as a business only, I'll rent each room for 8grand Cz. and only to males - preferably short term, because it might look suspicious for any my future potentional date to share a home with different woman.

I would be glad to getting you better, you seem very nice person, but I have no other choice than to call that renting offer off.

Solution is to find a job and to live like a normal person, and everything might follow.

I know that I've changed my mind so many times, that you must think I'm lunatic, asshole, looser. I would have the same impression in your shoes, but I have no other choice.

If I live with a girl friend, it would be suspicious for any potential future dates.

I like you and If I try to have any other relat.ship than friendship with you, it would be bad start to see me to be forced to live in shithole at my age and with my unfriendly roommates and charge you, while I would try to courtship you.

Kruuyai, I've changed my opinions so many times that I feel like an asshole and I am in this period of my life and I'm spending all this time to write you this honest, maybe from your point of view confused mail, because I know that you are nice person and I'm the one who missed a chance to have interesting roomate, maybe a good friend, or maybe even more. But I realized I have no other choice than finally decide how to solve things.

I wish you won't gonna comment this email at all and forget about me and this apartment deal. It would be easier. thanks. Gaspar

Once again, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  But I wasn’t really surprised.  I hadn’t quite trusted my good fortune, and for that reason, I hadn’t yet told Piotr that I’d found a place.  Now, I thought, it was a good thing I hadn’t.  I still had a roof over my head for another month.

I read through Gaspar’s email again.  There were a lot things to take note of.  That thing about needing to drink wine in order to get a good night’s sleep, for example.  Did this mean that he had a drinking problem?  It sure sounded like it. 

And what, exactly, was he trying to tell me?  Was he still interested in me or not?  It was really hard to figure out.  He flip-flopped so much.  To tell the truth, I’d kind of been wondering about how that was going to work, myself.  If we lived together and dated.. what if it didn’t work out?  That could be very uncomfortable, and I could find myself out on the streets again.  Maybe this was a good thing. 

It sounded like he suffered from a low self-esteem because of his financial problems.  And now, it was clear that his girlfriend had broken up with him, and not the other way around.  I wondered if she broke up with him because of the money.  Was he assuming that I would have the same attitude?  I was really very attached to the idea of getting to know Gaspar better, so I sent him this email:

Hi Gaspar,

Believe it or not, I wasn't surprised to get your email.  I think I was expecting it, and a little voice in my head told me not to tell my flatmate here in the sidliste yet that I had found another apartment.  So, although it's a disappointment, I will continue to live here in the sidliste week by week while I continue my search for the ideal home.  I understand your thought process and maybe it is the best decision under the circumstances.  I was starting to think along the same lines, because we both seemed interested in each other that living together might cause some complications, because if we did get involved as more than friends, eventually, and it didn't work out, then I would have to move again, and it could be a very uncomfortable situation while I was looking.  So, I know that's projecting a lot into the future, but that is what I was thinking.  My solution was just to go slowly, and get to know each other as friends before making any decisions on becoming further involved, but I think that a combination of your decision and my decision is probably the best.

I'm sorry about all the misfortunes you've had.  It's hard not to feel discouraged when everything seems to be falling apart, but anyone who has lived long enough has gone through times like that.  The main thing to remember is that nothing is permanent... not the good things, and not the bad things, either.  I try to remind myself of that when my life takes a turn for the worse.  It's impossible to see what is right around the corner, and we can't even imagine it, because we lived with a vision of what our life was going to be like, (and usually the vision is better than the reality), and we've filled our minds with that (whether it's about a financial position, lifestyle, love life, career, or whatever), and that's all we can see.  But then, we wake up one day, and things are different... sometimes better, sometimes worse, but never exactly what we imagined.  I know you've gone through all of this many times before in your life if you just think about it.  So, this is my long way of saying, "Things will get better."  And I'm not just saying that.  I know they will.

So, yes, your email does sound confusing to me, because you say you would like to get to know me better, but then you ask me not to answer your email and to forget about you and the apartment deal.  I'll honor your request to forget about the apartment deal, but I won't forget about you.  It's too late.  :)  You've made an impression on me in many different ways.  When I met you the first time, I saw how considerate you were of your flatmates, not wanting to disturb the girl who lived in that room, and also now, knowing that you always stopped work on the door when your flatmates came home so you wouldn't disturb them.  You're somebody who thinks about other people... not just himself.  Also, even though you are having these problems with Ben, it doesn't distort your vision, and you are still able to say good things about him, so that shows me that you're a fair and balanced person... not vindictive.  And, of course, I was so impressed with the story about your squirrel and your love for animals.  I was even smiling about it last night on the way home from work.  And mostly, I'm impressed with the way you not only took the time, but had the coherence to put this long email together and express your thoughts and feelings.  It's true that it was a little confusing, but that's only because you are feeling confused yourself right now, and your email is a reflection of that.  It's alright to be confused.  You can't expect to have the answers all the time.  I see in you a very caring and kind person who tries to do the right thing and who takes the time to analyze the situation and figure out what the right thing might be.  

It's rare for me to meet a person who has the qualities that I see in you.  And so I would find it really hard to just walk away.  I'd like to see you again, and I'd like it to be soon.  We don't need to have any expectations of each other.  Maybe some day, we'll be more than friends, maybe not, but even if we don't, hopefully, I can be one of the people who helps you through this difficult time, and I would enjoy your company so much.  Believe it or not, you set a good example for me in many ways.  I'm really glad that I met you.  So, what are you doing on Friday?  I know a really nice teahouse in Vinohrady (if I can find it again).  Will you join me?  

Kruuyai

The answer came back quickly:

Hi Kruuyai, thanks for your email. Since you are not discouraged by my situation, I would like to meet you again. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I'll have time on Friday. One of my best friends is coming to visit me on Friday, just for one day, and I'd like to spend an evening with him, he's Czech, but he's returning back to Dutch Harbor, Alaska (or acct.Unalaska) very soon. I'm not 100perc. sure yet, he might change his decision, but I'll know it for sure on Thu eve. In that case we could meet on Sat or any other day which is conv.for you.

I have to go back to work now, I'll write u tomorrow again.

And since the story of a squirrel made you laugh, I'll enclose couple of pix.

Gaspar

We exchanged a few chatty emails during the course of the week, and I ended up moving into the Winter Palace against my better judgement.  Our date got changed to Saturday night.  Around noon that day, Gaspar sent a text message confirming.  I left early so that I could wander around and find that adorable teahouse.  It was such a romantic place… I was really excited about having our first real date there.  Somehow, I managed to find it, but it looked like all the tables were taken.  As I walked back toward the tram stop where I was to meet Gaspar, I hoped that an empty table would be waiting for us by the time I got back there with him.  I was still pretty early, so I walked around a few blocks to kill time.  It was really cold out that night, but I didn’t mind, because I was so happy. 

Finally, it was time to start heading back to the tram stop.  As I walked, out of habit, I checked for messages on my mobile, and there was one.  I only had to see the first line of this long text message for my heart to sink:

I can’t go.  I’m drunk 2 day in a row.  Forget squirrels – it’s a past. Vik didn’t arrive yesterday, I know ur good person and u’d like to help, but no one can.  I have to start swimming instead of drinking and going on dates pretending everything is alright.  Ben and Jolanda are not the root of the problem, there were just last kick.  I’ve been through a lot of shit, but I’ve never been so week, I don’t want to apologize, I wanna be alone, nobody can help right now, not even u.  I have to find energy by myself.  At noon I wanted, but I’m not ready yet, I don’t wanna pretend ever. Is ok + I don’t wanna anybody to see me like that.  Sorry and leave me alone. 

So, that was it.  I allowed myself a few tears on the metro as it sped toward the Winter Palace.  Fittingly, life seemed very, very cold.  I went home, took a hot bath, and wrote myself a mental note to email Gaspar a list of AA meetings when I got around to it.  And that would be my last contact with him.