Today is a day that I would have never anticipated.   It happens to a neighbor, a friend or a distant family member but not to me.  I remember hearing lots of these stories, thinking smugly, that I will never have to face infidelity in my marriage.  After all, I have guarantees that this will never happen to me. I try to be a good person and treat everyone with respect.  Up until today I was holding on to those imaginary guarantees for dear life.  My grip tightened with each passing day.

At 8:17am on this Friday, February 8th, 2008 my husband of well over a decade admitted that he has been unfaithful over the last 12 months.  He has had sexual intercourse with another woman. It hurts me to type that sentence.  I feel nauseated and I fear my head is going to explode.

My first memory of time standing still was November 22, 1963 as a first grader being sent home from school because the president was assassinated.  It seemed like everyone in my small town was crying and I was scared.  On August 16, 1977, I was wolfing down a Wendy’s Single with fries while driving on North Tryon Street in Charlotte and heard a radio bulletin that Elvis was dead.  The space shuttle Challenger blew up on January 28, 1986.  I remember being in a Crystal City, Virginia cafe when folks started milling around a TV and yelling.  I could not stop thinking about Christa McAuliffe, who was to be the first teacher in space.  On 9/11, I was in a meeting at the office when a co-worker burst in and told us a plane had flown into the World Trade Center.  I cannot help but wonder if this will be another “time standing still” moment for me.   This news will no doubt have a major impact on my life as those events imprinted the country.

Pain is reaching deep into my soul and it undeniably unbearable at times.   Today as he sat close to me and began honestly and tearfully answering ALL of my questions, I can no longer downplay my imagination.   I know that millions of relationships have survived or they end, but it is rarely fatal even though at 8:17am I thought for a moment my heart was going to just stop beating.   

During my 50 years on the planet, I have had a number of friends call me with their news.  My heart ached for them but I did not understand how they felt until today. It really does feel like someone important died.   So many emotions pop up and seem to collide in my head changing from grief to panic to confusion to disappointment.  Anger and rage have not shown up yet but I know they will.  After ten minutes of living with this comfirmation I must admit to strange feelings of euphoric relief.  At least I finally know. For the last 12 months I only had crumb like clues to work with.  This proved that I am not crazy and my intuition was always near 100% correct.  I admit that I do tend to ask too many questions and push for too many details at times.  I so desperately wanted to believe all of his answers even though my guts were screaming that he wasn't being truthful.  But after many challenges, I usually bought in to his version.  Which is ironic because I always thought women(or men) who did this are stupid, weak and lack courage.

It seems so simple when it happens to others, so black and white.  Just leave the asshole or cut off his privates.  I do not feel hatred, only pity and sadness for him.  I love him.  I have absolutely no idea what I should do.  And I know that no one can tell me.  I do believe that whatever the outcome, it will be OK.  I just want to fast forward to the point it doesn't hurt anymore.

I feel I can tell no one except my therapist and a close friend who just experienced the same thing.  I do not want my friends and family to hate him and they will.  I worry that those who care about me will urge me to leave and if I choose to stay they will judge me.  Or some people will tell me to forgive and focus on all of my mistakes that contributed to his behavior.  I do not want to be the latest hot news in the friend gossip circle.  Some women want to turn the world against their husband/partner/boyfriend but I refuse to play the victim.  I think this blog will be therapeutic and will help me work through my pain.