The accident yesterday made me realize a number of things. One, that anything can happen to just about anyone. Second, life is a result of a series of chain reactions. Third, life has a funny way of waking you up with the truth.

I really can’t believe that yesterday was my second accident this year, and to top it all of, the first quarter hasn’t fully passed yet. It made me ask myself, how would my family know what happened to me, if something bad did happen? I mean I live alone in the big city, a scared little girl amidst all the people in the metropolis.

I realized that one’s decisions in life can cause a chain of events, and sometimes these chains of events, more often than not, affect other people. One great example is the accident we encountered yesterday. I think it was just a driving error, but because of one such error, it triggered a collision between four vehicles, and fortunately, there were no casualties nor wounded that I know of (I think). You see, I was near the driver, a couple of feet away from the truck that collided with our bus. At first, I was calm about, and the scary thing was, I felt that I was prepared. Prepared for what?

This would probably be the first time that I would write my thoughts about living itself. There are times when I would just lay in bed, stare at the ceiling in picture myself doing a lot of things like, dating several people at the same time, buying that dream desktop system, having a better apartment, succeeding in my job, having a car, buying my own condo unit, having a great social life, traveling, and having enough confidence that could carry me to places. But the thing is, I would picture myself doing all of these before reaching my thirties. Of course there is nothing wrong with dreaming and doing all of these things as early as possible, correct? But for me, there’s a twist, whenever I try to see myself living beyond my 30’s, it  all a blur, it is as if, I would be able to get what I want as early as now, but living beyond that wouldn’t be possible. I can’t see myself at all. And you know, it is a scary feeling because at this point, I have almost all of the things I stated earlier, and I felt that my dreams are becoming true. I can’t even picture myself getting married and having little kids running around. Well, that I can attribute to being scared from taking responsibility for someone else. I mean, I can take responsibility for myself and my family, but of another young human being?

I had to say that the weekend before yesterday was a happy one and that it made me realize that I had reached a point where I could not ask for more. So maybe the fates has a funny way of saying, “since you are now happy with your life, let someone else be happy and now you will be able to cease living and can give your life to someone else”. However, how petty my reasons would be, I want to still continue on living, I may be happy now, but how about my family? I think I am the only sane member in our little family of idiots (we are all dysfunctional; ask my sisters, they will tell you, with a wide grin on their faces). How would they be if something bad would happen to me, especially to my whiny mom, who can’t seem to still get over my father’s death?

Now, the question is, would I tell my mom what happened to me yesterday. I think I probably won’t, just for the simple reason that I don’t want her to worry to much, I mean for God sakes, she just came out from an accident a couple of weeks back, which I was also with her. I guess I have to keep my mouth shut, I don’t want to give her another reason to panic.

In the anime that I am currently watching, one of the characters said “Your thoughts are the ones that guide your future, and whatever your wishes and anxieties are, if you think about them too much and hope that they will happen, they will materialize because the mind is powerful” or something to that effect. I think the anime shows that it is applicable to both bad and good events, and what one can do is believe in oneself, and believe in other people that you care about in making the right choices. You see, I have always believed in the power of one’s thoughts. Whenever I wanted to do something, or get something, I could always picture myself getting it. And the thought of not being able to live past my 30’s is a scary possibility. I guess, I better try picturing myself in that age he he he. I just wish that someone would come my way to make me picture myself having my own family in my 30’s. The funny thing was, minutes before the accident, as in minutes, I was thinking that I am ready to have another relationship, and this time, I think I am ready because I am ready to give my heart and to share my blessings for I reached happiness in myself and in the past, this seemed my threshold and basis for which I would pursue a relationship. In the past, I have always been the taker, but now, I am ready to share the happiness that I have with another person, but the question is who… Oh well, only time can tell.

I just hope I don’t run into another accident like that again because it makes me all philosophical. He He He.

C’est La Vie J

P.S. Just minutes ago I was thinking of the name Harvey, I don’t know why but I kept thinking about it, then minutes later, a guy approach me and asked if I was Jackie [that’s my name] and I said yes, and I kept rambling in my mind who this guy was, and I asked him politely his name, and poof he told me that we went to school together and that he is Harvey. Whoa! What? Creepiness, he’s kind of cute though, and he is working on a building near ours. He he he. The power of the mind is really creepy.

Cheers