When you find your soul mate, that missing piece of yourself that has been lost, everything is supposed to feel right again. That's the entire point of wanting to find them. So you can be a whole person. And all of the things that you've been missing, can be found and put into place where they belong.
It should be an amazing feeling. The connection should just come naturally, because you're supposed to be together. Your souls were meant to intertwine. They're like magnets, being pulled together inexplicably. You can't stop it.
But what if you're scared? What if you love this other person so much that you don't want them to be a part of you. You don't want to let them into your soul because you're afraid you'll ruin them. If you can feel everything they feel, then they can feel everything you feel too. And what if everything you feel sometimes is dark and painful?
You want to protect them from that part of you. So you try to hide it away and only give them the shiny happy parts of your soul. But the shiny parts are just a fraction of what you have inside. It's superficial. It's decoration. It's not the real you. It's just a piece of you. Therefore, you're still not a whole person.
Instead of putting two halves of the puzzle together to make a complete picture, you're only giving them a quarter of yourself. Therefore the pieces won't stay together. Something is still missing. And it's not because it doesn't fit, it's because you refuse to even show them this hidden piece of the puzzle that you have in your pocket.
You think you're doing it to protect them. But in reality what you're doing is shutting them out. You're rejecting them. By refusing to give them all of your soul, you're depriving them of becoming whole too. So what you get are two souls that are desperately drawn to each other and two people who love each other beyond words. And something still doesn't feel right. Something is still missing.
You feel even more lost than you did before you found them. It's like looking for buried treasure. You have the map, you do all the legwork, you spend years traveling the world looking for that big X that marks the spot. And then you finally find it. The search is over. The treasure is right under your feet. All you have to do is dig, and suddenly you find yourself without a shovel. Imagine the frustration of knowing everything you've been wanting your whole life is right in front of you, but you can't reach it.
For the longest time this was how I lived my life. My girlfriend had found the treasure, and I had the shovel, but I wouldn't let her use it. So she just stood there staring at the X. Patiently waiting for a freak landslide that would move the earth and uncover the treasure without having to dig. Maybe the earth would move and the treasure would just come spilling out?
She waited and she waited because she knew it would be worth it. You don't spend your whole life searching for something, then walk away when it doesn't materialize instantly. You have to see it through. You can't give up. You pray for a miracle. And that's when it happens.
An earthquake occurs, and the ground splits open, and suddenly everything is in chaos. You're scared and confused and afraid you'll get sucked down into the earth and lost forever. But you hold on tight to each other because you know you can't let go. This is all you have. And then the chaos subsides, and you're left standing there with the treasure at your feet. You can see it now. It's real. It actually exists.
You had to endure the fear and the pain and the tears, but in the end you're left with a gift. A real treasure. Something that you can't even put a price on because it's so valuable. You have your soul mate. Just like the ground changes shape with the moving earth, your pieces were changed too.They fit together now. You're complete.
And it's then that I realized that puzzle pieces are jagged and uneven. They're not perfect. If you tried to put two completely perfect and smooth objects together, they'd just slip away from each other. But you get two pieces that have rough edges and imperfections and stick them together, it's like glue. The imperfect corners, that by themselves might be too sharp and dangerous for anyone to handle, disappear once they're united with the other piece.
My pain didn't ruin her. And her pain didn't ruin me. Our love was strong enough to overcome all of that. We just had to let it happen. No more hiding. No more fear. The only way to love someone is completely or not at all. There is no in between. You either put your trust in them and let them see your soul, or you lose them.
I learned this lesson. I'm not scared anymore. I know she sees me. I know she can feel me. I know she's traveled into those black caves in my soul. But instead of running out screaming at what she found, she saw me sitting there in a dark corner alone. And she sat down next to me and comforted me and helped me find my way back out of there again. She may have been scared when she went in there, but she braved it because she loved me. And because she didn't want to leave me there by myself anymore.
I thought I always had to be there by myself. I thought it was my punishment. I deserved to be in the dark alone. Why would I want to bring someone I loved into the darkness with me? But the answer is simple. So I can be saved. She is the light I've been looking for. And now that I know what it feels like to have light on me, I'll never be alone in the dark again.
blackthorn28 posted on Jan 31, 2008
| views: 313
Comments
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the_infernal_optimist said on Jan 31, 2008....
Now that is beautiful, Blackthorn. :)
I don't believe that anyone is supposed to face darkness alone, and I have a friend right now who is about where you were. Your story is just the sort of thing I've been looking for, that he might be able to relate to and regain some hope.
You are worth retrieving from the darkness, and you always were. You just had to find her, and to give her the chance to pull you out. It's not easy when you love somebody, to know that them knowing the entire you might cause them pain, but it's a far less grievous injury than forever locking them out of the corners of your soul, and I'm glad you know that. :)
~Infernal
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phoeby said on Jan 31, 2008....
Hi blackthorn, i was only having this conversation with someone myself recently. About the jigsaw puzzle thing. I likened it more to a sense of wow - this person really compliments me! there's something there now that i didn't realise i really wanted to experience in a person and now wow they are here and boom i feel so amazing now. yes i guess in a way whole. But .... we are actually whole already spiritually speaking. We just act not whole here in the physical. we screw things up sometimes, we make mistakes, we get the blues, we don't think positive thoughts, we go downhill, we say mean things and then regret it, sometimes people don't regret the things they do.. whatever.... but we are still whole because our spiritual part is whole and perfect no matter what we do on earth and who we are and how we act. It's all a part of the big circle of life hahahaha (enter the dinosaur movie my little boy watches ALL the time)!i think (this is completely a personal opinion here and just ditch it if it doesn't click) what is probably better (than thinking of yourself as missing a piece) is to view it as you are whole and so is your girlfriend. and you are 2 wholes coming together as one. Rather than a half person meeting another half or quarter person and somehow trying to excricate the missing bits of you from them and vice versa. Which ends up in disaster.Treat yourself as if you are whole (which in truth you are) and that she is whole (which in truth, from a spiritual perspective she is) and then you'll be a separate but loving person not needing her energy and vice versa.cos i think the relationships that collapse quickest are the ones where each partner tries to suck energy (in the form of validation, love, attention, physical things etc etc) from the other one in order to 'feel' whole.So you always always need to try to meet your own emotional needs as much as possible through your own self love and loving inner connection and then, you can be this loving force giving to your partner from a loving balanced centre. Neither one is leaning on the other one.Then law of attraction will kick in and you will receive love and attention etc back from them or from life in general in a similar way (with no leaning). This isn't to say that you can never ask for your needs to be met of course, but you ask from a place of confidence knowing that you have the right to ask for your needs to be met AND she has the right to say yes or no. And if she says no... this is ok too. it doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister. It just means that at this point in time she's saying no. and you have to work towards another type of solution.but witholding part of yourself so she doesn't see your dark bits, is sort of living a half life. Not being true to yourself or her or anyone. it's like a game of pretend. you are pretending to be something you think others want you to be. or you think you need to be in order to be accepted. This isn't going to end up being that much fun for you in the end. you'll end up cracking up and exploding all the dark forward bec it's been held in for so long.just be yourself whatever your self is... i'm so sure she'll love you no matter what is going on inside you and if she doesn't, then you need to communicate with each other until you both reach some understanding etc etc.i'm rambling.just waiting for my fake tan to dry before i go out!love phoeby. -
GracefullyGrowing said on Feb 01, 2008....
I can't even put into words what I want to say.That's twice in two days I've been speechless. Hell MAY be freezing over!~Grace~ -
blackthorn28 said on Feb 01, 2008....
Infernal, thank you. I'm so glad that what I said had meaning to you and it might help your friend too. Sometimes we do things out of fear and in the name of protecting those we love, but in the end, it only hurts us all. Secrets always feel more shameful when they're locked away inside you. When you let them out, suddenly they seem smaller and less damaging. And with the love and support of the right person, you can be healed inside. I'm glad I know that now too.
Phoeby, I did understand what you were saying there. I suppose I view things a little differently though. I'd like to say I was whole person and didn't need anyone else in my life to make me complete. But I wasn't. I spent so much time dealing with things all on my own and I was lost. I needed the help from someone else. I needed someone to balance me out. I needed someone to draw the light out of me, because I'd buried it so deep I couldn't find it. But I am at a place now where I'm not hiding from her. Maybe there are still people I'm hiding from, but not her. I learned that it wasn't so scary to let her see me. And it feels like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Things are bright in my life right now and I'm happy.
Grace, I will take your speechlessness as compliment! Hopefully. I'm glad this meant something to you.
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Mr_Box said on Feb 01, 2008....
You learned a really valuable lesson, Blackthorn. I know it's scary to let someone inside yourself if it's not all hugs and puppies in there.
But none of us are perfect. We all have a darker side. We all have fears and issues and scary things lurking in the corners of our souls. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human.
I'm betting that once she saw your dark caves, she realized it was okay to have some of her own too. And if you let her into yours, she could feel safe enough to let you into hers.
This is what love is about. Knowing someone's faults, and loving them anyway. Being there for each other in the good times and the bad. I'm so glad you've stopped shutting people out.
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Me-Myself&I said on Feb 01, 2008....
That was beautiful! i'm like Grace....i have no words to even start to explain how i felt as i was reading this post. thank you for sharing. -
destinydiva said on Feb 01, 2008....
that was amazingly beautiful writing :-) wow!!! xx
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moonriver said on Feb 01, 2008....
i liked the way you wrote all that down. you remind me of the writing style of another blogger here... you're not him, are you?
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husbandhater said on Feb 01, 2008....
Beautifully written and beautifully said. -
blackthorn28 said on Feb 01, 2008....
Mr_Box, I suppose those darker sides to ourself do make us human. Everyone has something inside them that they're hiding. But if you trust even one person to see that place inside you, it becomes less scary.
Me-Myself&I, thank you. I'm glad this post was able to touch you.
destiny, thank you.
moonriver, I'm just me. But thank you.
husbandhater, thank you.
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Mamie said on Feb 01, 2008....
well if that is not heaven sent, I don't know what is....***** you would not believe how much this made me smile!! I am so happy for you and I cannot believe how beautifully you have written it....this girl is one lucky lady!! enjoy Blackthorn, relax and enjoy!! ps it can happen. and it does...I am married to my soulmate almost 23 years. mamie -
moonriver said on Feb 01, 2008....
blackthorn -- i'm glad to know that you're just you, because in my case, i often have this feeling that i'm always turning into someone else...
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blackthorn28 said on Feb 02, 2008....
mamie, thank you. I'm glad that this made you smile. I'm also happy that you have found your soul mate too.
moonriver, that must be a weird feeling if you're always turning into someone else. I've wished for that a few times, but so far it hasn't worked.
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