I should be studying, but I am distracted by so many things right now in my personal life. Where to start, well how about with something troubleing. I recently read how people who feel inferior are usually those who are easily defensive. Like the person you can’t kid around with because they take it so personally and will immediately yell at you. I never realized that’s where it stems from. I know my counselor said I have this issue of being inferior, I know he’s right. I hope that I don’t act easily defensive though, I don’t think I’ve ever easily snapped at someone for joking around with me. My friend and I were talking about this earlier and lots of things from our earlier school years really bother us still, all the teasing and bullying still hurts. I was hoping one day it would go away, my friend doesn’t think so.
I remember once watching an interview with Jewel and she was saying how in school she got picked on and she said “Well eat your heart out now.” What a lovely feeling to have. To me she deserves all that she has then and earned the right to say that, no humbleness needed for that one. Like those of us who were picked on are in a special club and the ultimate way to gain top office in this club is to become successful/famous. That you’re too cool in this world and have achieved senior rank of no one matters now because I’ve proved I matter in this world. All that hurt has earned you this honor. Ah but for those of us who are still struggling what is there to do? Sometimes I like to think of banding together and taking over the world, crushing anyone who ever thought they were better. What helps me is those who say they’ll stick up for you. For some reason those little words can mean so much to me. My mean bad friend once said he’d beat up my ex, he’d beat up anyone who was mean to me, it sounds silly, but it makes me happy. Aside from the fact that I would find it hot and would help, it’s also like saying your worth it. It’s like this quote I kind of remember from a book that said something like “We’ll go through this life together won’t we? Just you and I, and we’ll get through it.” Yes it was a lot prettier then that, but unfortunately that’s the jist of what I remember. This was a book about animals, most specifically dogs, but it still speaks to me years later and makes me like dogs more.
Knowing someone who you think is special and they think you’re special enough to beat up other people for you is reward enough in itself. Violence isn’t the answer, I know, but it sure sounds nice when you’re so angry at not being good enough. You’re good enough for this person, you’re good enough for someone you find special, and that’s comforting, because secretly you’re hoping that those who made fun of you are all by themselves and paying for it now. Like the kid who kept commenting on how fat and ugly I was and when one day I agreed with him he told me I shouldn’t be so negative about myself. Or my ex best friend in 2nd grade who used to hang out with me everyday till she started to find her richer, more well dressed friends better then me and told me so, and she wonders why I still hated her in high school. How about the kid who spit in my hair one day on the bus for no reason, or all those people who judged me on the outside and would never give me a chance and talk to me. Tell me this has earned me something good in this world, cause it sure is getting in the way of all that much needed success right now.
I remember reading something the Dahli Lama said about how we could find peace if we could empathize with our enemies. That sounds nice, it really does, it's way better then my violent way of thinking. I hope one day I can do that, maybe when I'm a little older and have more understanding, and I'm not so restless, so maybe there really is a way to get rid of it after all.
