MissMimi posted about this earlier.  I agree with her.  Gay men are much more sensitive to people's needs.  I haven't been able to figure this out.

I too wait for him to at least try to give me what I need.  For me it's hard.  The idiot I was married to for a short period of time beat it into my head that no other man would ever want me sexually or find me attractive.  This man that I love more than my own life doesn't have a clue that I need to invalidate that.  He says that it's my fault that I was brainwashed, that I need to get over it.

Now this man was very attentive and caring and showed it when we first got married almost 22 years ago.  I guess we fell into a rut and I can't figure out how to drag him out of it.

After work I went to furniture store to look for a piece of furniture we have been talking about.  It's a 10 minute drive.  I got there, found what we were looking for, called him.  At first he was all for coming over.  The store closed in 40 minutes.  Before the conversation was over he decided he wasn't coming.  He couldn't make it before they closed and he didn't want them locking the doors before he got there.  Before I hung up on him I told him that he would have to go look for this piece of furniture by himself because I was tired of trying to help and getting shot down.  We haven't spoken but about 2 dozen words since then.

I filed my taxes tonight.  I told him how much I was getting.  He exact words were "that's a good refund for you". 

I'm so very tired of having to fight my illness and figure out what the hell I am supposed to do to make him happy.  I get these fleeting moments when I just want to get in the car and drive away and never come back.  It would make everyone's life so much easier.  Remember I said fleeting moments.  I also get the same fleeting thoughts about how much easier life would be for everyone if I had gone ahead and took my own life.  No one would have to worry about saying the wrong thing to me.  He wouldn't have to worry about me accusing him of cheating.  He and the daughter would be able to share the house without having me in the way.  He would be able to save more $ without having me in the way costing him more.  He wouldn't have to worry about my moods and my illness and whether or not he wants to marry me again.  He would have the bed to himself if he chose to live alone.  Remember I said fleeting thoughts.  My decision was to stay here and make this work.  That is what I am doing.

He made a comment in front of someone the other day that cut me.  'getting married is going to be down the road'.  What the hell was that supposed to mean?  Another year or two?  I'm so tired of living this way.  Does he think that just because he makes a decision that means we are going to do it right away?    I've already told him that I want ALL of my kids here and that for one to be here they have to have at least one months notice.

Oh it all makes my head spin.