I recently had my first appointment with my new therapist. I've been trying to get in for months. Back when my moods were horribly bad, I made the appointment. And they made me wait a month before they could see me. And as luck would have it, the day I was supposed to go, they canceled my appointment because they had a power outage. It was another three weeks before they could see me again.
I waited all this time to be seen, and finally I made it. But the thing is, I feel fine right now. Better than fine actually. I feel great. And it makes it very awkward to sit there and be asked what's wrong, when the answer is nothing. I realize that I have a pattern of wrongness to talk about, but at the moment, it feels so far away. So I just sat there for awhile. I eventually explained some of the problems I was having, but that I had helped myself. I worked most of them out on my own. Which is a good thing since it took them two months to see me.
But they know my history and the episodes I'm prone to having. And medication was suggested as an option. I told her I didn't want to do that though. After speaking to me some more, she accepted that. And she said it sounded as if I had things fairly well controlled, save for a few instances.
Basically the whole entire thing seemed pointless to me. When I really needed help, I was told to wait. And now that I'm there, I have nothing to talk about. I'm not saying therapy doesn't help people, but what I needed was someone to rush right out and help me when the crisis was happening. Not weeks after the fact. Because by that point, I'd gotten over it.
Which also puts things in perspective too. I always get over it. No matter how horrible the depression is, it doesn't last. I always work through it. And without a fancy therapist telling me how. But it feels like if I don't see the doctor, people will think I need to. But I'm seriously questioning why I really need her. It seems the right thing to do to see her. But after spending an hour talking to her, I didn't feel like it accomplished anything. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.
Miracles can't really be accomplished in one hour's time. I realize that. But I think I've done some serious thinking and analyzing and problem solving, all on my own. Some of the suggestions she made, were things I'd already been doing. I even asked her if it made sense for me to continue to see her. She said yes, of course. She wants to get paid. And she said she might be able to give me new ideas for my issues, at some point.
I suppose it can't hurt to have one more person to talk to in my life. It helps me to have people to talk to. But I have lots of friends who listen to me for free. And some of them give just as good of advice as the therapist might give. But since she's a doctor, I suppose it counts more that she listens. I guess. Does it?
I just want to do the right thing. I want people to know I'm serious about controlling this illness. But I don't want to waste my time with something that's not helping me. I guess I need to give it more time. But I walked out of the place feeling like it wasn't right for me. I get uncomfortable telling a stranger about my feelings and darkest thoughts. So I have a tendency to hold back quite a lot. Which doesn't help me make progress. She can't help me if I don't tell her what's actually going on.
But I'm not sure if I can do that if I have to look at her. I need one of those confession booths with the screen separating us. It's the only way I might even have a chance of feeling comfortable telling things to a person I don't know. That's why I can tell things to people here. I can't see any of you. And that makes it easy. If you were sitting right in front of me, I wouldn't be talking about this.
blackthorn28 posted on Jan 25, 2008
| views: 211
Comments
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wakingharmony said on Jan 25, 2008....
say 3 Im sorrys my child and you will be forgiven........ any objections anyone/ -
Mamie said on Jan 26, 2008....
ya know, I have to say that I think that the delays, cancellations, etc were God's way of forcing you to figure it out on your own. Everything happens for your greater good, and look, you made progress on your own...connected with some friends for feedback....realized some patterns. But I think right now it might be good for you to share not only the past struggle but your recognition of the pattern. With her professional advise you may be able to partner up and advance your own cause even faster or better than you might on your own.
I guess you need to look at the addition of a therapist to your team with an out of box thinking, vs the traditional role that one might have played for other people. You are ascending in good energy, you are finding ways of coping and you are chipping away at depression and its mess...me too, but that doesn't mean we have to go it alone. Don't be a hero, receiving is as valuable as giving. all the best, mamie
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Mr_Box said on Jan 26, 2008....
I understand what you mean. It probably is hard to talk to someone you don't know. And worse yet, you feel good right now, so you're hesitant to bring up the bad moments.
But I think it would be good to keep going. If you're an established patient, they might be more apt to fit you in when you're having an emergency.
So in the future if you need extra help, you might be able to get it sooner than two months time.
My wife is a psychologist. And sometimes people have nothing to say to her either. But she has ways of getting it out of them.
You just need to give it a chance. You might be surprised at how well it helps you someday.
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 26, 2008....
Thank you, wakingharmony.
Mamie, I suppose you're right. All of the waiting must have had a purpose. And that's because I needed to learn how to take care of myself on my own. But it's always good to have someone else in my corner helping me along this road. I appreciate your insight and your support.
Mr. Box, you have a really good point. If I'm already a patient, then maybe she'll be able to help me faster if and when I do have a crisis. I will keep giving it a chance. I don't want to give up just yet.
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Mamie said on Jan 26, 2008....
hi Boxie, what did your wife say about you accidentally smashing your door in with your head:)) pardon the hijack, Mr. Thorn.xo, M -
Alyss said on Jan 26, 2008....
Talking to a stranger is very hard to do sometimes but perversely once it has begun it is liberating and strangely easy to do... I would keep going, it may just work out for you. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Jan 28, 2008....
I think it might be good to keep going, at least for a little while. You never know when your appointment might fall on a bad day, when you really do have things to talk about...and even when things are good, it's good to understand yourself, you know? If the therapist can help with that at all, then it's still worth going.
My mom has been in therapy (mostly by choice) for fifteen years. I don't think she technically has "needed" it for a while now, but it helps her anyway - and she's built up a good relationship with her therapist. He knows her now and can see when she's on the edge of a bad moment, day, or whatever. He reminds her of the tools she's developed so that even when the lows come, they're not as low - or as long-lasting - as they used to be.
((hugs))
I can see how it'd be strange to tell your deepest problems to someone sitting there looking at you, but it probably gets easier with time. You can do it - if you choose to continue. That said, though, I don't believe that therapy is the right fit for everyone.
~Infernal
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 28, 2008....
Alyss, I've heard several people tell me to keep going because it gets easier. Maybe the more you go, the more the therapist feels like a friend? I'm going to give it more time and see what I think about it after a few more sessions.
Infernal, you do bring up something good. I never know when my bad days might strike, so it just might happen on a day when I see her. I've been told by some of my friends that therapy is good for just about anyone. Because like you said, it's always good to understand yourself better. It is strange though to tell this strange person my problems. I suppose I'll just give it more time and see how it goes.
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dailyachesandpains said on Feb 10, 2008....
It's like when your car's making a noise and the day you're to bring it in, it stops making that noise.I hope you continue to make appointments. You may find that it helps to keep going. Everyone's different though.Daily -
blackthorn28 said on Feb 11, 2008....
Daily, that analogy is perfect. But I'm going to keep going and see where it leads me. It might not help, but it can't hurt either. -
dailyachesandpains said on Feb 11, 2008....
I've been going for over TEN years! I find that it really helps to take it all out on the therapist, that way I don't verbally hurt my family. I am guilty of not going to therapy since Christmas. I just hate leaving my house in the cold winter mornings and the snow. I fear driving too, so I have that working against me. -
blackthorn28 said on Feb 11, 2008....
Daily, I have an appointment tomorrow to see her again. We'll see how it goes. It must be really hard for you if you're afraid to drive. I bet that makes a lot of things difficult doesn't it?
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