I have a tendancy to overthink, overworry and create ideas of what people are going to do, how they are going to react and end up getting upset at what they have done in my mind.
I really get hung up on these things my mind does - no wonder I'm always upset and angry! I also have these paranoid feelings (I imagine we all do) where I think people are out to get me, upset me or undermine me - I have to understand that people don't usually set out to upset me - they walk round oblivious and have no idea. The old lady walking down the street with her shopping trolley is not intentionally zig-zagging on the pavement to stop me getting by, she is struggling with her trolley and doing the best she can.
I think - far too much, my mind is rarely still - it buzzes and it whirrs and it doesn't shut up - like a toddler always demanding attention. I need to concentrate on what I am doing now - if I am walking I need to look at my surroundings and enjoy them, notice things - like the sun glinting on the water, the colours in the sky and the wind on my face and not keep thinking and thinking and driving myself insane.
Today I feel a peace, a calm that I haven't felt in such a long time - things seem clearer and somehow a little better - I want to bottle this feeling and keep it forever if I could.
I know I need to make decisions about what to do next. I'm signed off work for anxiety - it's not the first time this has happened, the last time was with a different job which points the finger at this being to do with me rather than the jobs themselves. I cannot take full responsibility for the anxiety - in the job I have now and the job I took time off before there were many others with similar concerns to me. I need a new environment and a new way of thinking to help me make serious changes and be able to live and enjoy rather than worry and feel angry....
