I feel like I'm revving a neutral engine and trashing the motor trying to get somewhere I'm going or somewhere I've been. I need to get fucking skinny again. I miss that dance with Dan. I miss Joe. How fucked up is that that I actually miss Joe? My life just seems so scattered and out of control. I keep trying to rein it back in but somehow I always end up binge eating and it's all hopeless and fucked up again. I hope the job helps. God I'm just so Goddamed unhappy. I see couples in the hallway and the jealousy kills me and then lee and blaze and boyer flirt with me when they ALL have girlfriends. and I'm starting to second guess the montana thing. and I dont know where my life is going and BAM! I'm hitting walls and hitting myself. I'm drinking and smoking and taking pills and I feel like a trainwreck that just keeps getting worse. I'm crying too much and not getting out enough becoz I feel fat. my jeans dont fit. my clothes look like shit. my double chin feels disgusting. I would stab Cat if I could.I hate my sister. I hate my mom. My dad's the only one I can talk to and even him I cant tell anything. He's so proud of him and there's just things I couldnt tell him because I couldnt bear to let him down. I couldnt tell him that I let Joe finger me and that I gave him hand jobs. I cant tell him that I smoked dope and got drunk. I cant tell him I've been sneaking the Vicodin and muscles relaxers before school. I cant tell him about the sleeping pills in my drawer that dont even work. I cant tell him I want to lose my virginity, or even just feel a guy love me again. I cant tell them I try to be anorexic, except it doesnnt always work. I cant even tell him I go tanning. I'm supposed to be the good kid, but I'm no better than Mandy except I dont get caught because they trust me more. because I'm a more believable liar. I eat egg and butter stuff, but I tell people I'm a vegan. I'm fucking pissingly addicted to peanut butter. which makes me want to kill myself becuase it's making me fatter. this house feels like a cage and I hit myself till I bruise. I throw things because I cant break things. I hate dad's side of the family except matt, tim, and aunt barb arent so bad. I hate moms side of the family. i dont want kids. i want to leave and be on my own. but i get so scared thinking about mom or dad dying. i couldnt live without them. i want to die. I hate doctors. I hate needles. I hate it when they cant find a vein an they have to dig and stab me more than once. I feel so bottled up and broken and unlove and only sleeping and crying provides any escape. I dont want people to see my fat like this. I'm going right back where I started. I want a boy to love me and kiss me and hol me and fuck me. but I dont want to have to leave anyone. more I dont want anyone to keep me from leaving. I dont want a broken heart. I dont want to hurt anymore. I want to go horseback riding but it;s too damned cold. I want to go running. but its too damned cold. I want to sleep but it;s too late. I want to start getting ready but its too early. I want to make all of this stress go away. but I dont know how. I want to coast and not care about school anymore. but that would let daddy down. i cant do that. i love him so much. he understands me even though we fight sometimes. mom doesnt understand me and we fight all the time, but I know I still love her. and I know I hurt her. and I hate doing it. but i feel like i cant. she;s so annoying and I need someone to hurt who will love me no matter what. i know thats wrong. my heads so fucked up. and now I'm crying because i realized how true that last part was. i dont feel like I'll ever get back to how skinny I was and it's really frustrating. I eat like a mother fucking pig. I want to shoot myself. i want to blow my brains all over a wall sometimes. I want peace but it doesnt exist. God doesnt seem to help. neither do diet pills or caffeine or nauseating vitamins or anorexia or bulemia. i want to take a butcher knife to my stomach and carve it open and pull all of the fat out. I hate coming home bacause home is where the food and boredom is. I'm scared working at McDonalds around all that food I"M NOT GOING TO EAT is going to put me on high streemode and make me eat more when I get home. I cant let that happen. I need to fin a better way to relax . the horses work but its too damned cold. I hate Matt. I hate Sean. I hate Alyssa. I hate Cat. I hate Brittany. I hate Callie. I hate Jess. I hate Elaine. I hate Steph. I hate Me. I just fucking wish I had someone I could be completely honest with. Joe is the closest thing I have but he doesnt care about me anymore so I cant trust him. And now I'm done and I want to sleep but its too late. Help me. God send someone to please fucking help me. maybe shader;s the answer. maybe. help me. God please send someone to please fucking help  me.