I feel like am being discarded. Master will not answer my calls, text, or email. It's pretty pathetic of me to keep calling to no avail. I know that I am being punished, and I expect that he will let me back into his good graces. People always say that long distance relationships never work. And on top of that, I have been sabotaged by someone's text messages to my Master to add to the stress of being apart. I don't feel strong. Mostly alone and saddened that my dreams may be shattered.  I met with the monster on Sunday and he's tactics are too tramatizing for me. I was fine with his demands of oral sex, domestic service, the spanking and the choking. What took me over the top was when he leaned me back on the toilet by the neck, tilted my head back and pissed all in my nose and mouth. I was drowning in this man's piss and he would not let go of my neck. I was ready to run at that point. So I got the money at the cost of a piece my soul so I wouldn't have to ask or try to borrow money. I hated him at that point. He wants to see me again on Saturday for an overnight stay. That would definitely secure the bills for next month, but I know that he will probably stop short of killing me. I know that I can handle it and that he has too much to loose to get too wild, but accidents happen and the reality of the scary, dark side of BDSM that gets distorted with some people's attempts to play and add excitement to their lives. There is a range...  All of this so I can leave this town without worrying about bills and be closer to my Master. Will Master understand when I confess to him. The consensus is to tell the truth. When I leave I do have a plan. By doing such there are three things I need to accomplish. One is to finish my graduate degree so I can get out of in between degree purgatory... I don't have very much more to do. The next thing is reinstating my professional license that I let laps for too many years, and the third thing is to become more connected with my Master in serving him. Somewhere in all of that feels like a good life. The stress of yesterday is slowly lifting. I made a promise to myself that I did not want to be ruled by fear and to let honesty have more prominence in how I relate to those closest to me.