If you have or are planning to have children, I have a question for you: how did you know you wanted, and were ready, to have a baby?
(I realize that for some of you this is a difficult question, and I'm truly sorry if I've caused you pain by asking it.)
See, up until a few years ago, I grew up knowing exactly how my life would go. Not because I planned it that way, but because the "natural order of things" had been laid out for me so many times that I swallowed it whole. High school, college, find a man, graduate school, married at 25, baby at 27. Obviously, I didn't stick to the plan.
But still, it wasn't until last year that it dawned on me I didn't have to have a baby. I'd always assumed that I would. It was kind of liberating, in a way, to think that maybe I could have my life all to myself, if I wanted. But on the other hand, if I never have kids, there are so many things I would miss out on, and so much I would never truly understand. So I'm uncertain. And I'm okay with that, for now.
I mean, I'm only 22. I've got time. But then, my husband will be 30 this year, so I can't wait forever to decide either. And with diabetes, it would already be a high-risk pregnancy so I don't want to add "advanced maternal age" to that. Right now, we are definitely not ready. Financially, emotionally, physically. I don't feel that desperate desire that I think a biological clock is supposed to be. So I keep wondering: do I want this? Am I ready?
I think I would be a good mom. I'm quiet, gentle, understanding. I attract kids like a magnet. I would love to be pregnant, hold a baby, raise a child. I've always been fascinated by it. I want to do it for the experience, and because I believe that I can do it, and that I could contribute a sane, healthy person to the world. I could change the world, in that small way. I want to disprove my parents' mistakes, but then that need to prove oneself as a parent was one of my parents' mistakes, so I am leery. But the thought is there.
Of course, it terrifies me. How will I handle the changes to my body? the long-haul stress, and the surprises? Have I dealt with my own issues well enough to raise a healthy child? What if my child were noisy and boisterous (my complete opposite)?
I guess these are the questions everybody has, that no one can answer in my place. That probably even I won't be able to answer until I'm in the thick of things and the answer is made for me. But I wonder how it is for other people. Does biology, or desire, eventually override the worry? Is there ever a moment of overwhelming "yes"? Or is the fact that I'm asking questions reflect in some way that I'm not ready or I don't have what it takes?
So that's why I'm asking, if you read this far, what it was like for you. Becoming a parent is sort of the great divide for us human beings. There are so many feelings I haven't had and couldn't predict. Everyone's story is different, and I want to know yours. How did you know that you wanted to start a family? I know that for some, the matter was sort of decided for you, but still there had to be a moment where you finally knew that you wanted to be a parent. Was there a watershed event? Did you just always know? Did your clock start ticking? How did you know? How did you decide?
nytquill17 posted on Jan 22, 2008
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Comments
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the_infernal_optimist said on Jan 22, 2008....
If you wait until you're "ready" completely, 100%, nyt, you'll never have kids. ;-) That said, if you don't think you are, if you have serious doubts, you do have time to put it off, and I think you should wait if you can afford to do so...then again, it's one of those things nobody can decide or say "This is the right answer for you" on.
It's so complicated...and easy all at once. I think it's much harder to decide not to do it than it is to start down that road - because once you're on the path to parenthood, you WILL be ready - as ready as you possibly can be - by the time the big event comes 'round.
You know the matter was decided for me, as you put it, the first two times. The miscarriage made me realize what I didn't have, and that motherhood - which had seemed an almost loathsome idea not so long before - was still an open door for me. I think the real moment when I knew it's actually what I wanted, though, happened when I went to have an ultrasound with little one and was sent straight to the hospital for induction. That's when it really hit me that she was my child, she was in danger, I was her parent - and the danger factor excepted, I wanted it that way.
With linebacker baby, we were so thrilled with little one that it just seemed right to try again - and I think DH really wanted to have a son someday, since he was the last in his line to carry the family name. So he did have that factor. Me, I just felt ready again. It was that "overwhelming 'yes'" with him.
For what it's worth, nyt, I think you'd make a better mom than I am! You're so patient and softspoken and sweet, and there's nothing in your past or personality that I can think of that'd be any sort of "mmm, nah, better not" factor...but it's not something I can tell you to do, only that I think you could handle it if/when that time comes.
Poke me with any questions anytime! I'm no expert - I don't think there are any when it comes to this stuff! - but I'm always glad to share my opinions and experiences.
~Infernal
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Mr_Box said on Jan 22, 2008....
I'm one of those people who never sat down and made a decision and said, 'yes, I'm ready'. In fact, when my wife got pregnant we were very NOT ready. We were 21 years old.
We knew that someday we'd want kids though. It was a definite plan for our distant future. But when it happened, we were both pretty shocked and not entirely jumping for joy.
Then the pregnancy went really badly. My wife was incredibly sick. She was hospitalized more than once too. And at that point, I only cared about her health. I wanted her to be okay.
But eventually she got better around the end of her 5th month. And we saw the ultrasound and found out it was a girl. That made it more real. But I still can't say I was ready.
It wasn't until my wife went into early labor and we were told the baby was in distress and she needed an emergency c-section that I felt like a parent. I couldn't imagine anything bad happening at this point. It scared me.
When she finally entered this world, healthy, I could breathe again. And I realized just how much I wanted her and loved her already.
So I guess it never really hit me until it was already happening. And I agree with Infernal when she said if you wait until you feel certain about it, you might be waiting forever.
Becoming a parent is like jumping out of a plane. If you stand there and think too much about what you're about to do, you'll never jump. It's best to just close your eyes and go for it sometimes.
So when the time is right and you're on that plane, just jump. You'll make yourself ready.
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beyondtheveil said on Jan 22, 2008....
nytquill- My daughter is from my first marriage and she was planned. When I married my second wife, she was ready and from the beginning said she wanted two children. We were ready and could start raising them in a home of our own.
There were two crucial things about having them. First we wanted them and second, we were ready. These two things aren't necessary for a good home with children but certainly don't hurt.
I feel its good for both of the couple to want a child and to be stable enough to raise it or them in a comfortable setting.
Always remember that when you have a child it changes your present life completely. If you are ready for that change and both of you are in agreement and you feel its time, it probably is.
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Eilan said on Jan 22, 2008....
As you can tell from the comments above mine, you're never completely "ready."
My ex-husband and I weren't really trying to have a baby when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. But we weren't not trying, either. At the time, we were relatively financially stable, but having a child really made me want to settle down and stop moving from apartment to apartment every couple of years. My ex wasn't ready to do that, and he resented it to the point that he moved out when our second child was only two months old, saying that he'd never wanted her, I'd "trapped" him into having another baby, and he had, in fact, faked his tears at her birth.
My two youngest daughters were absolutely planned. My husband had a great job, nearing the end of his career actually (he's an older daddy), and he had infertility issues, so we weren't even sure I'd conceive. My sperm-sucking eggs prevailed, and we had our youngest less than 13 months later because he wasn't getting any younger.
It's perfectly normal to have doubts. Hell, in a drug-induced haze during labor with my youngest, I said to my husband that I wasn't sure I could handle four children.
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evil_twin said on Jan 23, 2008....
I'm just reading all of this for future reference! So there is no magic way to tell you're ready, huh? I think it's probably easier to know when you're NOT ready, than to know when you ARE.
My thoughts have always been that when you start to think you might be ready, and life is in a good place financially and emotionally, it's probably time to do it. Because if you start worrying about all the life changes and potential risks and problems, you'll scare yourself out of ever following through.
With that said, I'm not ready yet....
-evil_twin LA
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nytquill17 said on Jan 24, 2008....
(Hey, guys. Sorry it took me so long to get back to your replies. This is a really important post for me and I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to comment. I just got busy yesterday and never found the time to get back to SoulCast. But I'm here now! I'm reposting my original replies too because I forgot to put the names in bold and that was really bothering me!)
Infernal: Thanks for weighing in. I always appreciate and actually look for your take on things. Hearing your thoughts helps me clarify my own.
Beyond the practical things (can we afford it?) I worry about getting angry (I am not always so patient!), or about needing my space. I worry that I will be more like my own mother, or like my father, than the mother I want to be. Or the flip side, would I be raising a child only so that I can be (and therefore give myself) the parents I never had?
In my heart, I know these kinds of questions are really overthinking it a bit. But the fact that I am, just out of reflex, giving myself such a long hard look, reassures me. I would much rather be thinking of questions that have no answers, than thinking I know the answers already and don't need to ask myself anything. I think that would make me a good mom, too.
Mr Box: Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm starting to see what you both mean. "Ready" is kind of a pointless question when you can't even begin to foresee how your life will change. And once you jump, the falling and landing thing sort of happens on its own!
I guess, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I could...like maybe I want to. I sort of definitely don't want to miss out on this. And I would be good at it. I guess it's really more a matter of seeing what life has in store - if we'll ever have enough money, if I can even have a baby (you never know!). If we'll be at the right place in our lives with enough time left over to raise a child. At worst, I'll make a really fun surrogate aunt!
Beyond: That's a very reasonable and easy-to-grasp way of looking at it. Thank you!
I think it is the change that worries me most. I have always been a bit of a control freak, partly by nature and partly because of my early experiences. So it frightens me to think of a life-changing experience where I can't predict how my life will be changed! I think being able to let go is a major part of being a good parent, and also a major lesson that I need to learn. Not that I would have a baby just as a self-improvement project! But I mean that it will be good for me to make that kind of change in myself even though I'm scared of it.
Eilan: I'm sorry your ex acted like that. But you've dealt with it and it sounds like everyone is better off! "Sperm-sucking eggs" made me laugh!
And four, goodness! I was an only child and I only ever wanted one baby myself (that may change once I have one and see what it's like, but I've never been very good at dividing my attention!) My parents both had 3 siblings each. My best friend as a kid came from a family of seven. Seven! On purpose! Going to their home was like watching a carefully orchestrated but very chaotic ballet! But I guess that's the power of motherhood: you can learn to deal with anything for the sake of your child(ren).
The idea of being a mom fascinates me in part because of all those mystery mom powers that I can't quite comprehend from where I stand!
Twin: "Easier to know when you're not ready than to know when you are." That was very well-said, and I think you're right. And I also think you're right that after a certain degree of preparation, you pretty much have to jump in with both feet and throw caution to the wind.
We put parents under a microscope these days, which is better, for example, than my grandparents' era when you could whip your kids until they bled and no one batted an eye. But it's not good either because it puts in your head the idea of how much can go wrong and you start to stress about getting it just right, being the ideal parent.
Especially in cases like mine - my parents were certainly less than ideal, and I know the problems it's caused for me in my life, and I wouldn't want to do the same to another child. So I want to be absolutely sure that everything is right in me and in my life - but there is no absolutely sure in anything, ever. I guess parenting is one sure way to learn to face life as it is instead of whatever illusions of control or perfection you might have!
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