Lately, I don't seem to be able to make myself go to bed until long after the sandman has put in his request for a good night's sleep. I've been possessed by a stubborn tenacity that keeps me awake, plugging away at my computer, reading, or simply staring into space... way beyond the point of exhaustion. And still, it's with great reluctance that I finally get into my pajamas and crawl into bed, but it's only the knowledge that I have to get up in the morning and go to work that allows me to force myself to do it.
What is it all about... this persistence in clinging to my waking hours? Maybe it's just the fact that I'm working for a living for the first time in over 5 years, and a lot of my time is no longer my own. So, I'm staking my claim on the hours that don't belong to anyone else but me... to use in whatever way I want to use them... even if that means doing absolutely nothing. Going to sleep now seems like throwing away a valuable resource... my free time.
And that seems weird to me, because until recently, I've always considered sleeping and dreaming to be among my most valuable activities. I don't know if the slowdown in my dreaming activity has anything to do with this. I think it may be something a bit deeper.
Because, not only do I see my free time as being limited, but I think I'm also beginning to see my time ... on this earth... as being limited. And, of course, it is. But I never used to think much about it. I guess having spent so many years with literally all of my time at my own disposal set the stage for my age to creep up on me without my noticing it. And now that the amount of free time that I have in each day has been so drastically cut... sometimes limited only to those hours that are past my "bedtime"... I'm really feeling the pressure of possibly not having enough time left in my life to accomplish all the things that I want to do this time around.
Now, I think I'm beginning to understand newborn babies who struggle so hard to stay awake long beyond the point of exhaustion. They don't have anything more pressing to do in their lives than eat, pee, and go to sleep whenever they want to. But they've only been here for such a short time that they're afraid they'll miss out on something if they fall asleep.
That's exactly how I feel. Like I'm going to miss out on my life if I go to sleep. And yet, sometimes, I just use those extra, sleepy hours to play computer solitaire. So, what, exactly it is that I'm hoping to take into the next world if I play just one more game.... I haven't got a clue. But still, I'm fighting off sleep. I'm doing it right now.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
kruuyai posted on Jan 21, 2008
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Comments
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silverwhisper said on Jan 21, 2008....
i've always had a certain mistrust of sleeping much, feeling that i'd prefer not to lose 1/3 of my life to unconsciousness, although nothing's really brought that point acutely to my attention lately.
but yes, i can easily see how the change in your perspective and day to day life could have that effect on you, no question--indeed, it seems to me as though you'd almost have to have that reaction, no?
re: not dreaming--is it possible that perhaps you're simply too tired to remember the dreams lately?
ed -
kruuyai said on Jan 21, 2008....
ed: Yeah, I think that's part of it (too tired to remember the dreams). Sometimes I know I've dreamed quite a bit, but just can't seem to bring much of the dreaming back into my consciousness. That, and the fact that I have to get ready for work, so I don't have a lot of time to devote to dream journaling.
You're probably right that it's not so surprising to have this reaction considering the changes in my life circumstances. It's just surprising to me, because I've always looked forward to going to sleep. ;-)
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beyondtheveil said on Jan 21, 2008....
kruu- In years back I always had the feeling to sleep was to miss out on something, and not only that, but time spent at home meant I was missing out on something. Luckily I've grown out of that.
But when you mentioned age creeping up on you, let me tell you a fact of life and that is the older you get, the quicker time passes. Those years will come more quickly. Sometimes I think its a truism of nature.
And another thing, when you said you've always looked forward to going to sleep, I did too at about your age for a while. Now that has changed also.
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pickersplock said on Jan 21, 2008....
I guess I experienced that in my teens, but now I adore going to sleep!That peaceful time of reading until drowsiness over takes me is pure bliss.Maybe it's because my boys wear me out, so I'm just thankful for the quiet times.Or maybe it's because I've accepted that the process of sleeping and waking, is like the great mandala, the circle of life. In everything, there is a "death" and a "rebirth".There I go getting cerebral again! -
kruuyai said on Jan 21, 2008....
beyond: " the older you get, the quicker time passes." I've had that one figured out for a while. :) And with all I manage to cram into my life, it's really whipping by. I haven't usually felt like I was missing anything by staying home. I like my time at home. In fact, it's usually hard for me to get myself out of the house. Unless I know there's something fun going on.
Oh hell, I'm so tired now, I can't even write a sensible reply to your post. Sorry. Why do you think you no longer look forward to going to sleep?
pickers: I love reading until drowsiness takes over too. Maybe if I did more of that instead of sitting in front of this computer, I would get more sleep. ;-) I agree that going to sleep seems to be something akin to dying and waking is like rebirth... or at least I used to think that until the first (and only) time I went under general anaesthesia. Now that was like dying and being reborn. No getting sleepy and gradually drifting away. Just one minute I was awake, and then I was out. When I came to... there was no sense of time having passed. No consciousness at all like I have when I'm really sleeping, regardless of whether I've dreamed or not. Coming to was really delicious, though. I wouldn't mind going under again, just to experience that kind of awakening again.
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beyondtheveil said on Jan 21, 2008....
kruu- I don't look forward to going to sleep because I used to be asleep a couple minutes after my head hit the pillow, now I know every bump in the ceiling. Also, I wake up often, which means I'm not getting the 'good' sleep. On top of that, I'm waking up earlier and I don't like that either. -
skald said on Jan 21, 2008....
Yes the first part of your post could have been written by me. Then you said that you have had time at your own disposal. Well I have not had that for years. only the nights now when every one is at sleep. I am staying up long after I should be asleep and I am tired too You know I love to dream just like you do.
Do rest when you need and grab all the living you can do still the same.
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evil_twin said on Jan 21, 2008....
I've actually felt like that before too. I often wake up really early if I know I have a busy day planned, because I'd rather take the time to just chill out and enjoy my time alone with nothing to do, rather than sleep. I know that if I don't get up early, I won't have any time at all to myself and that stresses me out. My thinking time is more important to me than sleep most days.
But occasionally I get in moods where I never want to get out of bed because sleep seems so inviting. Probably because I've worn myself out getting up way too early the rest of the time!
-evil_twin LA
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uniquely-ironic said on Jan 22, 2008....
It might be that you're anxious due to what's going on in your life. I know that when I become anxious, waiting for an event, sleep is neither welcome or easy to capture. I tend to cling tightly to my stress until I'm exhausted enough to sleep a little. I hope you figure it out though, since sleep is a big part of being healthy. -
kruuyai said on Jan 22, 2008....
beyond: Hmmmm, insomnia is no fun. I don't suffer from it often, but I know it can be hell. I hope you get that worked out.
skald: "Do rest when you need and grab all the living you can do still the same." I think that's the best advice I've heard in a long time. I wish I could make myself follow it. Unfortunately, something in me refuses to go to bed when I get tired. Tonight, I'm going to force myself to go to bed a full 8 hours before I have to get up. I do miss dreaming, though. Maybe this summer.. lol.
e_t: I do enjoy being able to take my time to get ready in the morning, too. Problem is, while I was retired, it was taking me up to three or four hours to get going in the morning. I got used to that luxury,and it's a hard habit to break, but I don't have enough hours in the day to do that anymore, so some things have to suffer. I now give myself a good, solid hour to get ready before I'm out the door, but in the summer, when the sun rises before my official wake-up time, I'll be up earlier and puttering around and savoring my alone time. I know exactly what you mean about cherishing your thinking. I'm the same way. Often, when I used to drive, I would turn the car radio off, just so I could hear myself think. And whenever I'm so busy or around people or noise so much that I don't have time to think, I feel hugely imbalanced. Why is it that sleep is always so inviting in the morning when I should be getting up, but it doesn't hold the same attraction for me at night when I should be going to bed?
uniquely: I don't have any trouble falling asleep once I go to bed... it's just getting there that's the problem, but I'm sure you're right that stress is playing a big role. I've been through so many changes lately. I have a feeling that, in a few months, when I've gotten into the rhythm of my new job, my new flat and my new acting classes, I'll get on a more normal schedule. Yes, sleep is a big part of being healthy... it's very powerful in boosting the immune system. So is eating right, and that's another thing I have to take a look at.. Sheesh... it's never ending. :)
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crybabylu said on Jan 22, 2008....
It sounds like you are experiencing that ugly thing called "anxiety". Be careful with that, it takes on a life of its own.....LOL, dee -
skald said on Jan 22, 2008....
Kruu . At the moment I am like you not resting when I need to but sill trying to grab all the living I can do. lol We will rest later and dream good dreams. -
queenparanoia said on Jan 23, 2008....
oh yeah... me too kruu... and sometimes i just cry myself so that i could sleep... i'm so weird... -
kruuyai said on Jan 23, 2008....
crybaby: I'm not sure that it's anxiety. I know what it feels like not to be able to sleep because of anxiety, and this feels different. I just feel like I don't want to let go of my time by sleeping.
skald: I think blogging about this moved something, because I had so many dreams last night. Two of them even woke me up with a start. I got up a couple of times to jot down some notes. I still have to write them out. Gotta do it before I go to bed, so I can free up my mind to write down any more dreams that may come along. :)
queen: If you've got things bottled up, then crying is probably a good release. I think we all need to have a good cry sometimes, and no, I don't think you're weird.
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