I've finally put my finger on the source of why I'm feeling so down. It surprises me a bit because I thought I had accepted it.
As many of you may know, I don't have children. I had one miscarriage about nine years ago when I was first married and then nothing else ever happened. I held out hope for years. Really until the diabetes diagnosis. At that point, I decided that with being in my 40's and with having diabetes that precautions should be taken instead of this wistful hoping.
Somehow, I've started feeling like it's not fair that I'm not a mom and never will be. I run into people who neglect their kids and don't seem to appreciate them. I like to think I wouldn't have been that way. I feel like I have a heart full of love that will never be shared.
I'll never see a child of mine walk down the aisle or welcome grandchildren into the world. When I am old, I will be alone. There won't be anyone in this world that's just like me.
Most of the time, this sadness only comes to me around holidays and Mother's Day especially. It's been settling in on me the past few days though. I realized it's because I'm feeling sorry for myself. I guess it is the final realization that I need to let go of the dream.
God has a plan for my life, but I will admit that I question why he has held such joy from me. I would have been a good mom. I know it. I wonder if my marriage would have been better if there were children. Maybe I wouldn't have been so lonely. Even if there is ever another relationship in my life someday, the odds will be against it.
I thought I had accepted this long ago. I am a rational woman. We all have disappointments in life. I do have my nephew to love, but it's not the same as if I had my own child.
My husband never wanted to adopt. That's a whole different complex issue.
I'm missing terribly what I don't have.
Thanks for listening.
CW
CreativeWoman posted on Jan 20, 2008
| views: 361
Comments
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polarheart said on Jan 20, 2008....
CW, I am sure you would be a great mom; loving and caring just as one should be. I am sorry that things have turned out the way they did, but its never too late. Life may still have some surprises in store for you.(((((hugs)))))) Polar -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 20, 2008....
Polar,
Thank you. I wish it were true, but I think it's time to let go of the dream.
CW
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polarheart said on Jan 20, 2008....
CW, I agree that in the natural things may seem "over", but I believe in hope. Whose to say that you wont one day meet a man who desires a child as much as you and who is willing to adopt? Perhaps that seems pie in the sky, but its not impossible :-)Love you! Polar -
quietone said on Jan 20, 2008....
CW ~ I do know how you feel. I tried for years at age 22 and up... It never happened...not at all. Yes, it does leave an emptiness inside you... I feel it too. I also get "angry" over the news and the neglect etc. of children.. So not only diabetes but this we have in common. -
lfbno7 said on Jan 20, 2008....
I recommend renting one, with a lease no longer than ten years, because once they hit double digits you want to return them for a refund. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 20, 2008....
polar,
Thank you. I guess adoption down the line is not impossible. It kind of hurts to hope though.
quietone,
I wish we didn't have to share those two things in common. My heart goes out to you.
lfb,
Call me a glutton for punishment, but I'll take the lifetime plan.
CW
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polarheart said on Jan 20, 2008....
SkinnyW, then I will hope on your behalf - sound like a plan?(((hugs))) Polar -
MissMimi said on Jan 20, 2008....
{{{{{{{CDub}}}}}}}}} I wish I knew why some things turn out the way they do. I do know this: You would be an excellent mom, and polarcakes is right. I'm going to join her in thinking good thoughts on your behalf. You deserve good things in your life. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 20, 2008....
Polar,
You're very sweet. And...you made me smile when you called me SkinnyW. Thanks. :-)
Mimi,
Thank you for being so kind. Maybe someday the positive vibes will cancel out the negative ones.
CW
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Kinross said on Jan 20, 2008....
cw you would be a great mum ,I will pray to St. Gerard for you he has helped so many people enjoy and give your love to your nephew as I am sure he enjoys all the hugs and kisses he gets from you his loving aunty.Bluegum and I send you our love. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 20, 2008....
Kincross,
I used to wear a St. Gerard medal. :-) Thank you for thinking of me.
CW
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Zayda said on Jan 20, 2008....
CW: I think I shall join Polar in hoping for you. I don't think it's unusual that you miss what you don't have. But I don't think you should ever give up hope. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 20, 2008....
Zayda,
Thank you, but I'm starting to feel it's time to be realistic.
CW
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silverwhisper said on Jan 21, 2008....
CW, with different people, different possibilities can emerge.
ed -
fearing said on Jan 21, 2008....
God does have a purpose for you. A special plan. I wish I had more to offer and could say something to make this easier for you. I can send you a ginormous HUG!
Hang in there hon. -
Racerboy said on Jan 21, 2008....
CW, I know you'd be a great mom. Don't give up hope, there is always time as long as you want it. Hope is what gives us life, don't lose yours. If thats what you really want, then you can make it happen. -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 21, 2008....
Ed,
It's just me being realistic considering my age and my health. Thank you though. I used to think it could still happen. Now I'm feeling I should just let it go and try to find some sort of peace about it.
fearing,
Thank you. Hugs always help.
Racer,
Thank you for the compliment. I don't have much hope about it anymore. It breaks my heart to even dream about it.
CW
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ShakenToTheCore said on Jan 21, 2008....
I've fairly recently begun to strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. As much as I always hate hearing that, it seems to be true. I would have to assume that whatever powers there be have a different plan for you. While I know that doesn't help much I'm sure that the love you have has made a lot of people very very happy and will always do so! You strike me as a smart, caring, articulate and loving person and I'm sure you brighten many people's lives! -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 21, 2008....
Shaken,
I do believe there is a higher reason for this fate. It just makes me sad because I don't understand it. It used to not bother me so much, but lately it's been weighing kind of heavy on me. Thank you for your kind words.
CW
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queenparanoia said on Jan 21, 2008....
cw: you would have been a good mom... i agree with that... don't worry cw it's notlate yet... you could still be a mom to our kids. like your nephew... =)
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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CreativeWoman said on Jan 21, 2008....
Thanks for the hug, queen.
CW
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