I know that dad had discussed this with us. I remember it crystal clear.
"Well, kids I called you here to tell you, I am going to kill myslef. And you will get my life insurance money."
In shock my sister, brother, sisters girlfriend amber, and I sat there. Speechless. what can you say in a time like this. Nothing. You cant say anthing because in his head, his mind had already been made up. This was before I saw him at the hospital.
"you need to say something dammit!" shouted amber. "you cant just fucking sit there and pretend this isnt happening. Say something dammit!" At that moment we fumbled for words. Tears filled our faces as we tried to give dad a reason to stay around. It was hard. I wont even lie. A man who is sick and cannot come off of any substance without dying, whats the point. Love is the point. But love cannot rationalize an empty nest. He was lonely. His children, grown up and moving on with their own lives. He rarley saw them.
after that we had made sure that all weapons were discarded of.
It was a night I will never forget.
My friend and I had decided to go out for the night. My second to last night there. We ended up at a strip club and then came home after that. It was pretty late and I had shut off my phone. I was dead tired and didnt want to be bothered. My friends phone had rung a couple of times in the middle of the night but we ignored it. In the morning I turned on my phone and checked my voicemail. I slue of people telling me to call them. Some of them mulitple calls for certain people. I had decided to call my boss back first. I had thought that it was work related.
"Hey! Whats up?" I said.
"Amy, You know I love you right?" she said
"Yeah of course, why whats up?" I said with a smile.
"I am sorry sweetie, Your dad is dead. " she replied
I was absolutely unprepared for that and I began to cry.
"I gotta go!" I yelled hysterically and hung up the phone.
I immediately called my sister who told me what had happened.
He had shot himself with his shotgun.
My 18 year old brother found him.
How could this have happened? He told me that he was going to watch a movie with me when I got home. How fucked up.
My comfortable life after that has since become an absolute disaster with mixed emotions, disbelief, and fits of rage.
I still cannot fathom this act and it is over a year later. Every night, this, THIS, is what haunts my dreams. Every day I try to come more to terms with the fact that he is gone and this his how he left us. I have so many questions. LIfe since that day is nothing. Its just a blur. And I had thought that my life had always been fucked up. Should I dare tell people that my father had killed himself.
I cannot stand people who say they understand even though they dont. Probably never will. You cannot apoligise for him, you cannot bring him back, you cannot say anything that will make this any better. So dont try.
So that is it. I grew up fast and at a time when I wanted to enjoy the remainder of my teen years, I am forced to become a full time adult. No parents at all.
