• silverwhisper said on Jan 18, 2008....

  that's not a bad idea, if you ask me, but i guess the relevant question to ask here would be what precisely are you hoping to understand better by so doing? how men in general tend to view relationships, unspoken rules of dating, something else?
  
  ed

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I think I'm looking to better understand all you mentioned, especially the "unspoken rules"; like please can someone tell me why if you sleep with a man too early it tends to ruin everything - plus just how men think in general. I don't know, I just feel like learning something useful.

• silverwhisper said on Jan 18, 2008....

  there aren't a lot of people who know you yet. can i make a suggestion?
  
  i'll post a blog entry of my own, linking to this one. there's a good number of people who read me, and friday nights tend to be pretty active here. maybe the guys on soulcast can give you some insights, so you have a broader base from which to draw conclusions?
  
  would that be acceptable?
  
  ed

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  OH that would be awesome, for lack of better word. Absolutely acceptable.
   
  I appreciate it quite a lot :]

• silverwhisper said on Jan 18, 2008....

  give me a few minutes. :>
  
  ed

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  :D

• silverwhisper said on Jan 18, 2008....

  OK, here you go!
  
  btw, consider checking out these blog entries to enhance your soulcasting experience. :>
  
  ed

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Ah I greatly appreciate your assistance!! :]
   
  Thanks so much, silverwhisper <33

• evil_twin said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Hi! I'm not sure what all you're interested in knowing about guys, but I am one. So maybe I can help? :-P What do you wanna know?
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• polarheart said on Jan 18, 2008....

  In Bocca, I really cant give you any insight as men in general are an enigma to me! (And I say this eventhough I am married to a man! LOL) But I'm sure Ed will get the guys over here.  I hope you enjoy Soulcast enough to stick around and experience more ;-)
   
  Polar

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  evil twin: what are all the common "unspoken  rules" of casual dating? and WHY, besides the "he got what he want" answer, is sleeping with a guy too early such a mistake?
   
  polar: I plan on sticking around for sure. I appreciate the welcome. But um, since I'm sort of blind, where's the "my conversations" area? You know, so I can keep up with the places I've posted at? Thanks :]
   

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  oh, and to evil twin, thanks :]

• polarheart said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Click on the Soulcast Icon top left of the screen. You will then see four tabs across the top of the page - the last one is My Conversations.  Let me know if you find the tabs.

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  polar: OH. Found them :] Thankyou.

• evil_twin said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Hmm...well, I always sucked at casual dating. I'm more of the type who either falls for someone on the first date, or I realize I can't stand them, and never call them again. But most of the time if a girl sleeps with you too soon it can make a guy wonder just how many others she's done this with. Too easy isn't such a good thing. We like a bit of a challenge. Don't make us wait forever, but if we really like you, we're going to be willing to wait.
  
  But yes, some guys only want that, so once they get it, they see no reason to go back for more. That's too risky because you might get attached and think it means more than it does. Lots of guys want no complications and just the fun.
  
  In some cases though, if the chemistry is right and you're both feeling good about everything, and you both want a relationship, falling into bed right away can work. It doesn't always spell doom. But that's only if the guy is actually crazy about you already and is looking for something meaningful.
  
  Just my two cents! This is how I see it, but others might have something else to say too.
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  evil twin: THANKYOU. This helps me out a lot <3 A guy I slept with, 3 weeks in [he told me there was an "us" and he just wanted to get his licence back, suspended from a dui, before we tried a relationship; a week after I fucked him, he stopped talking to me, unless I called him pissed off, then he'd be like "i'm still into you" "i still have feelings for you" blah blah blah. finally I got tired and texted him, I wasn't about to waste minutes on him anymore, and I said "you're sending me mixed signals you tell me you're into me and then you don't call or text or anything me anymore, I'm leaving you alone and when you figure out what you want, let me know." of course, I haven't heard from him since, and that was...2 weeks ago]. Which is why I asked you, I figured me sleeping with him too early had something to do with it.
   
  <3 Thank you for the insight, I appreciate it quite a lot.

• evil_twin said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Yeah, that situation you described is pretty typical. It gives all us guys a bad reputation! But many guys will tell you what they think you want to hear. Like, "of course I'm into you" just because they don't want to deal with the confrontation of telling the truth. And that's that they got what they wanted and now they've moved on.
  
  And in his mind, he already told you that he wanted to take care of some stuff before he tried a relationship. And that was his subtle way of telling you, "don't expect much from me." It's guy speak for "I just want to get laid so don't get attached okay?"
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  evil twin: Ah, good to know. :] Thanks.

• evil_twin said on Jan 18, 2008....

  No problem :-) I'm going to go ahead and subscribe to you so if you ever need more advice, I'll see it!
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  evil twin: Thankyou :] I'm sure I'll be needing a lot of advice in the future :x Greatly appreciated.

• pickersplock said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I just saw Silverwhisper's post and thought I'd drop in to say, "Hi!"
  As to men, I live with a great big one!  What do you want to know?
  I can read that guy like the back of my hand, he's so transparent!
  It's actually like having a large child around the house!
  So ask me anything!

• Mr_Box said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I'm a man reporting for duty. It seems like Mr. Twin answered a lot of your questions already. I tend to agree with him.
   
  But if you have anything else you want to learn, let me know.
   
  Nice to meet you.

• Eilan said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Last time I checked, I wasn't a man.  I'm just here to say hello and maybe learn stuff in the process.  :D

• dyingman said on Jan 18, 2008....

  You assume we think.
  
  We are reflex and down time.
  
  We crave our necessities sex, food, sleep (usually in that order.
  Most of what we do involves getting enough of these three things.
  Downtime is what we do when all three are sated. 
  Normally there;s only 1 or two activities to fill the time.
  Commonly poker, cars, sports.
  
  Men will do their best to schedule and arrange events to maximize the downtime, thus we fall asleep immediately after sex.  If we could eat while having sex, this would be ideal, but most of us lack the coordination and understanding wives.
  
  Munching an Italian hoagie around 10pm with a lady providing favors on top so we can use both hands for the sandwich.... This would probably be what many men would ask for for Father's Day if we didn't know it would pop the soap bubble fantasy our wives/girlfriends have that we're deeper sorts of people.
  
  We laugh it off as joking, because we know we could never have such an "ideal" existence.  (What woman would put up with it?)  That doesn't mean a lot wouldn't live their whole lives that way if it were possible.
  
  Having sex with a men too early?  Nonsense!  It's perfect!  For him.
  He probably took you out to dinner (food),  You had sex.   He probably fell asleep.  Next morning he's got breakfast and downtime.  Bring on the TV or video games.  What's the matter with that?  
  The man has no idea anything's wrong.  Nothing IS wrong for him.
  A smart guy will look out for your interests so you don't want to go anywhere or at the very least figure you can't do better.
  Getting another woman to sleep with you is hard work and dicey.  Better to keep the one you have happy.
  Of course, if another woman comes along while the guy is still with one, I suppose the mental equations go into effect.  The fella either thinks it's a freebie or the overhead for keeping the sex partner around is high.
  
  Aren't you sorry you asked?
  
  We all know it's not as bad as I make it out to be, but it's tough to go wrong setting your expectations very low for men.  Assume: sex, food, sleep, downtime. 
  
  *DM
  
  
  
  
  

• Actorguy said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I'm not sure how much help I can be.  Its been about 100 years or so since I was involved in "dating".  Actually, I married my High School sweetheart, so maybe I was never involved.  I do know that men have revelled in "the joy of the hunt" since time immemorial.....think Jason and the search for The Golden Fleece....and the more difficult a prize is to obtain, the more valued it becomes.  I'm not sure if this applies to sex, but it seems to me that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
   
  On the other hand, a man who is just looking to add notches to his bedpost is definitely not worth your time.  Tell him to come back when he grows up.

• rupert7 said on Jan 19, 2008....

  the world is a jungle and most men will sleep with a woman to add her to his list of conquests. He will wine you and dine you and hump you and dump you!
  
  I have always treated the women in my life as something rare and special. With great respect. I have never "used" a woman or led her on in any way. Thats what most men do. I despise the majority of my sex because of there callous disregard for anything other than their own pleasure!
  
  I have had 5 maybe 6 lovers in my 57 years and that includes 2 wives. (been divorced once)
  I don't know what you want to know but unless a man wants  to settle down and have a committed relationship,he will crew you until someone else comes along and then he will walk away without a backward glance!
  
  Of course,to a like minded girl it doesn't matter,she may well beat him to the punch,so to speak.
  
  No girl should be silly enough to think that sleeping with a man will guarantee a ring for her finger. G'day bye the way :-)
  

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 19, 2008....

  To everyone, thank you, I'm not at home but when I get home I'll reply to each and every one :] <3

• VICARIOUS said on Jan 19, 2008....

  I think the biggest reason is fear. If a guy talks a woman into bed early in a relationship he assumes she has been talked into bed a lot. I don't think that is the case. If I talk a girl into bed I'm pretty convinced it is still special. You can't go through life wondering what a woman did before meeting you. You had no right to her then and you don't own her now. Men are very insecure and always fear a woman is or will cheat on him. It convinces him to end things early, so he can do it again. If men weren't so damn weird avout sex , they see it as a competion. Women would be treated much more fair if guys would grow up.
   
  Once a man sleeps with a woman his over-inflated ego tells him he owns her. He then becomes over protective and annoying. I really feel sorry for women having to feign interest just to have sex.
   
  I'm a guy but have been told many times, not like many they meet.                

• lfbno7 said on Jan 19, 2008....

  I don't know why he stopped keeping in touch with you, other than that he obviously wasn't interested. You can safely discount anything he ever said to you. If it was true when he said it, which isn't very likely, it isn't true now. Maybe the real answer would surprise you, you'll never really know unless he tells you, but then again, he is yesterday's news and of no importance to you any more, and if he ever did get back in touch with you, I strongly recommend that you ignore him because he's a loser. I wouldn't bother to answer if he ever tried to contact you again. It might be a good idea in the future to refuse to have sex with anyone so soon in the relationship unless all you want is a one night stand and sayonara.

• mysterious said on Jan 19, 2008....

  This is an interesting discussion I'm interested in learning more about, too.

• paidinblood said on Jan 19, 2008....

  I don't know about men much other than how my friends think and act, as 60% of my time is spent trying to understand women. XD
  
  Sleeping with a guy too early can have unwanted repercussions later.  If the guy is a geek or at least a thinker, you do not want that.  For the regular neanderthal-ish tool complex it's quite alright--in fact, they like it that way; the only danger here is the quicker in bed, the quicker out of the relationship--unless he has the best sex ever.  dyingman has got it all figured out: sex, food, sleep, downtime.
  
  XD
  
  Guys who are less concerned with their physical desires (sensitive but calculating) would rather reap what they sow.  Make them work--but not too hard, he may be sensitive--which would explain being less concerned.  Too hard would be making him cry in public(I know one friend of mine who let her boyfriend cry in public, they broke up weeks after).
  
  I'm not sure what more I can tell you.  I'm sure people are more than eager to answer your questions.
  
  Much respect.
  PiB
  

• destinydiva said on Jan 19, 2008....

  if you figure out guys in bocca please fill me in on how their mind works!! ;-) xx

• whiteAngel. said on Jan 19, 2008....

  We are from different planets obviously..I'm so tired of trying to understand them,maybe that's why we like them so much.We always want the one who doesn't want us or treats us bad.Maybe the same is with them,if you show your feelings they loose interest.But how can I like someone so much that I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him,and don't say anything?I'm in heaven with him,and that's visible.We loose too much time in trying to know what's in their heads.I've read some of his messages a hundred times to "find a clue" between the lines.And came out with 5 different definitions of what he "wants to say" - huge mistake.Only women think like that.Men are not so complicated.When they want to tell sth they tell it straight,not like us - we say one,mean another,actually think third.
  

• Imalovernotawriter said on Jan 19, 2008....

  I think men are simple - I'm one, so maybe I've got it wrong... Some/most/all women are far more complicated: they don't say what they mean, a guy  has to work it out from a list of things it could mean, or even the opposites... So if you say you don't want flowers make sure that's what you mean, because you're not going to get any and you may then be angry/disappointed... then he's confused and hurt, and it's all downhill from there (no sex again tonight).

  I don't think men do that sort of thing.  I know I hate that sort of thing - it makes life stressful when it needn't be. Say what you mean.

  We men are mainly one of the following: hungry/full, asleep/awake, bored/engaged, thinking about sex/having sex. If it's important, deal with it. If it's not, dismiss it... don't whine on and on about 'the principle', and what should have been, how I should feel etc, 'If you really loved me...' etc.

  Black or white... and that's how relationships are, to me at least. Maybe I'm emotionally colour-blind and you ladies have a whole spectrum of feelings that I just don't have access to. I'm in love: I give, I trust, I'm trustworthy, I'm yours. Easy.

  So keep it simple, be honest, don't play mind-games, be happy. Life is too short for all that niggly stuff.

  And 'sex too early'? Wake me up anytime, and I'll be up for it ;-)

• travelr712 said on Jan 19, 2008....

  men aren't that hard to figure out. we want you there when we want you, and not when we don't. what's so hard about that? :-) and what's so different about how a woman does it?
   
  and believe me, women's actions are as mysterious to us as ours are to them. it seems normal to me to hear women say something that's exactly opposite to the way they act. but i do know this, women tend to act more from the way they feel, and men tend to act more from the way they think, which makes us a mystery to each other.

• crybabylu said on Jan 19, 2008....

  You ask some questions, I have thought about too.  Interesting....dee

• earnbeyondsky said on Jan 20, 2008....

  Stop Flirting falsely on the Internet. One cannot have the actual Sex on the Internet! However, exchange of unique ideas, on the Internet, can enhance your Sexual enjoyments to an unlimited extent, as well as generating your Sexual acquaintances. One can, also, convert this process into a very powerful weapon, for any accomplishment! Contact instantly@usa.com with the reference of this message and, your age & sex. Thereafter, you will receive certain URL from f00916122670892 or, stirrer2000 or, thruster895, to start with!

• lfbno7 said on Jan 20, 2008....

  I already did stop flirting falsely on the Internet. It was fun while it lasted though. And I know I cannot have the actual Sex on the Internet. Typing never turned me on anywhere close to orgasm, no matter what kind of silly stuff we were typing about. Ooo, baby, that feels soooo good, mmmmmmmmm. Yeah, hold on I gotta pee, brb.

• in_bocca_al_lupo3 said on Jan 20, 2008....

  pickersplock: Honestly, I'd like to know what the little "unspoken" rules of dating tend to be. That's my biggest one, and why guys are willing to lose someone they care about over a commitment phobia. And just generally, about the situation I described to evil twin earlier, why he might've taken off [what most people seem to be helping me with.] Thanks!

  Mr Box: Nice to meet you as well, if I think of anything else I'm not sure of, I'll let you know.

  Eilan: Nice to meet you, & hello to you too.

  dyingman: Thank you, and I agree; I'm keeping my expectations quite low. I appreciate your insight, it's all very helpful.

  Actorguy: Thank you for your insight; it didn't seem like he was in it for sex at first, but I'm thinking what DM said was fact - that someone else came along that was better in his eyes somehow, and the "overhead" was too high. So of course, as it turns out....I'm just a notch. And he's got zero chance with me now.

  rupert7: Good day to you too, rupert 7! Too bad more ment aren't as seemingly respectful as you; I'm sure you could've taught the idiot I dated, quite a lot.

  VICARIOUS: Hmmm, all of what you said I'll be pondering quite a bit today. It makes me wonder if maybe this "kid", man really but he didn't act like one of course - was afraid of commitment or me hurting him. He'd been hurt quite badly by a distant acquaintance of mine in the past, after 3 years she left him twice for another man; he seemed all good intentions at the start, then his best buddy get's into a relationship, around the time we stopped conversating, and about a week after we had sex. Something to ponder I suppose.

  lfbno7: I agree with everything you've said, for the most part. I do believe he's yesterday's news, since I told him to "let me know what you want when you figure it out" it's been almost two weeks and still, no news. So of course, that in itself is an answer, is it not? I don't plan on sleeping with anyone too soon, or anytime soon for that matter. I've learned my lesson on that one.

  mysterious: I'm glad I'm not the only one learning things here :]

  paidinblood: I made him work hard for it for 3 weeks, but now that I think about it, it was about 9 more weeks too short; I should've known better. Sex, Food, Sleep, Downtime - I'll make sure to memorize the list!

  destinydiva: Believe me, you'll be the first to know.

  whiteAngel: "we always want the one who doesn't want us or treats us bad". Too true. I always want what, or who, rather, that I can't have. I've been asked on dates by other male friends post this situation, and I haven't felt any attraction to them; some were very kind, sweet, decent, guys too. Sometimes the good guy never gets the girl, I suppose that's some women's fault; mine included. I agree, showing feelings always tends to scare them off - I have problems sharing my feelings with any man now, I try to stay somewhat withdrawn so as not to "scare" anyone off. It's so had to care so much about someone but not be allowed, so to speak, to tell.  I do agree again, that there are several deffinitions of what this guy was "trying to say". The problem tho, is, that what a man tells straight out is not necessarily the truth - this guy kept telling me he wanted me around, but his actions spoke otherwise.

  Imalovernotawriter: I'm not sure if it's so black and white, only because this man was very...I'd say sensitive, not in a feminine way but little stuff bothered him quite a bit. It was hard to tell what, if anything, he was upset about sometimes. I suppose not every man is "black and white" about relationships, however, it'd be nice if everyone were that simple.

  travlr712: I suppose, but how can you go one second from wanting someone, working to be with someone, talking about "us" and a relationship, then just not wanting them the next? He was still "us" talking after we slept together, then it was almost like he fell off the face of the earth. But maybe I'm just making this more complicated then it needs to be.

  crybabylu: I'm glad that hopefully the wonderful contributors to this post can help give some insight to your questions and thoughts as well.

   

  Thankyou everyone! Feel free to keep helping me out too :] It means a lot that everyone's given their opinion on the situation and issues at hand in my post, and thanks again to silverwhisper for helping to get the word out that I needed some assistance. <3 to all.

• pickersplock said on Jan 20, 2008....

  Oh, I must get back here when I have more time to give a full answer!

• pickersplock said on Jan 23, 2008....

  Jeez, I almast forgot to come back.  Men are like large children!
  They want to be taken care of, but not mothered. 
   They like to be the center of the universe, but they want their "space". 
  They get what they want and they don't want it anymore.
  They, like their ancestral cavelike counter parts, need to hunt constantly! 
  So you should always hold something back, while dangling in front of them like a carrot! 

• Malinki said on Jan 25, 2008....

  The simplest advice and direction I can give you on the subject of men is that there are 2 groups to identify. There is the new generation of men who frankly just want a physical relatonship with absolutely no ties and that is the 27 to thirties guys. Then there is the baby boomers like myself who came from a different era with different values and traditions toward women. I firmly believe a man should give give a lot of attention to his woman whom he plans to be with for the rest of his life. She should be everything in his life and there is no other priority in his life but her. Love is something to be cherished and making love is and will always be between them and no one else. In today's society and generational values, the old traditions are almost nonexistent. I have yet to see any guy with any class or values hold a door open for any woman at any age, and that includes opening and holding the door open of a vehice. I must be the only one who brings flowers to my wife every week for the last 5 years that we've been married. Dating in today's world is complicated and in some cases very confusing because legal prenuptials predicate marriages and not the heart or soul. I hope I've given you some guidance on this issue. A woman seeking a serious relationship deserves to be taken seriously and cared for with class, respect, and tradition.

• Malinki said on Jan 25, 2008....

• travelr712 said on Jan 26, 2008....

  sorry it took so long to get back to you bocca. well, the question you asked me is entirely situational. some men are just looking for that thrill, and they'll go through the motions to get to the 'goal', and then they lose interest and are on to the next. i know in my case in the past, things would seem to be going along fine, and then i'd just stop hearing from the woman, and she's waiting for me to make a 'grand gesture', and so it just fizzles. or something will get misconstrued by one or the other person and then it's over. and believe me, i've had my share of experiences with women who have treated me just as fickly as you seem to have been treated, so it's not just a man thing either. but i agree with you in this, it's the not knowing why that's a killer!

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