While in my absence from SC last week, I ran across this clipping from dear abby I had saved to give to my daughter. I just felt like I needed to post this for anyone out there who it may concern:
Abby writes: I printed the warning signs of an abuser. Although they were originally intended to describe a male abuser, many of them apply to both sexes:
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” Pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his/her every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of “causing trouble.” May deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS/HER FEELINGS: Says “You make me angry,” instead of, “I’m angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he/she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.
9. CRUELY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3 year old for wetting a diaper) or teases them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things’ degrades, curses, and calls you ugly names. This may involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you t serve, obey, and remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him/her do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you, “then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”
Me: These are strong patterns that are part of what makes up an abuser. They don’t “change” their spots over night. I have lived with some of this abuse and always “felt” like things were always my fault. It took a very special person to tell me about co-dependency and abuse. Today, I can spot an abuser fairly fast. I don’t cut them any slack. I don’t “put up with” their excuses, lies or alibis!!
I don’t know why exactly I felt the need to write this…. Maybe someone out there needed to see it. If it helps even one person, then it was worth the time typing.
