Every day, i think about how much i want to die,
every second i get to think its about that.
The main reason im finding it so difficlt to kill myself unfortunately, is the fact that its against what i believe.
I think i belive in god.
I used to be a real church goer, i loved the feeling it gave me
but ive lost god now, and i dont think hes coming back
That doesnt mean i dont think he doesnt exist.
(yeah im a walking contradiction)
which is why im scared that killing myself will lead to an awful afterlife..if their is one.
i think about cheating god.
like pretending to fall down the stairs, fall into the road. etc etc
but deep down i feel he knows.
you cant fool god.
If i do decide to go through with it..and its looking like a yes so far...then im atleast goign to make it look like it was an accident to my family and friends.
haha..see i still write like i have real friends
Im so messed up :|
Id like to share why...but ive never written it down before so..Nooooopess.
but like i said, this things for me anyway!
Mannnn i hate this life.
i truly wish i didnt exist so that my family wont be sad when i leave.
but...shit happens.
God im awful.
I cant help it. its all just swimming around in my mind. all this is coming staright from my heart
thats the scary thing :(
Oh abi.
