• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 17, 2008....

  Hmmm.  It sounds like Jodie is trying to be a good friend to you.  I think she just isn't saying it the way you want to hear it.  She said she won't leave you, so she obviously loves you a lot.  There may be rough patches between you two, but don't underestimate her friendship.  Maybe she meant you are the sister she wishes she had?
   
  Sarah.  Well, you can't change that.  I guess you will just have to remember that friendship fondly and look to the future.
   
  Boyfriend.  He sounds like a winner.  Just because he doesn't affect your decision to live or not doesn't mean that you can't enjoy that relationship.  Why the dismal time line?  Are you planning to end it?  Him?  College plans don't mesh?  I hate to say this, but you will probably (I hope) have a few boyfriends before (or if) you find Mr. Right.  The thing is, you have to love yourself first.
   
  Geez, I sound smart or something.  Weird position for me to be in.  BTW, I have a son your age and I cannot figure out what goes on in his head.  It makes me think I need to have a heart to heart with him to see how he's doing.

• Me-Myself&I said on Jan 17, 2008....

  thank you for coming and seeing me!!!! (((hug))) **SMILE** hey....one moment at a time ok? a deal!? xo

• Mamie said on Jan 17, 2008....

  well I read that you don't want any advice...so let me just say that my daughter is 17 and a senior in high school. She has a great guy too, and she has friends who come and go.She cries sometimes because of how the girls that she knows are not real. She says that they are all selfish and caddy. She says they back stab each other and you never know how to be b/c you don't know if they are your friend that day or not. She says that if you don't party till you puke that you are an outsider, if you do party till you puke you are an outsider too, depends on who is around and what's going on. She says she can get any kind of drugs she wants at any time from just about anybody. I guess you can too.
  She gets so pissed and angry. We talk about it. It is truly different now than when I was in school. You ar e lucky to have all these ways to communicate with each other , but nobody knows how to do that because they never had to know how. I have had a room full of girls in my home, all online or texting and using their blackberries and the room was almost silent, Whats up with that?
  I will tell you this, she is my best friend and although that doesn't count now, it will.I would never recover if she killed herself. never.
   
  So I will continue reading but I can't promise not to give my honest comments. Sorry if they piss you off.
   

• wakingharmony said on Jan 17, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{abigale}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  my goodness, my goodness.
  how lucky you are, abi, to be in britain!
  you guys know music. "the beautiful south", "the beatles"
  are two B's of my favorite.

  do you remember beatles 'help' ?

  help, i need somebody, help, not just anybody, help, you know i need someone, help!
  when i was younger so much younger than today, i never needed anybody's helpin' anyway.
  now those days are gone and i'm not so self assured, and now i've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
  help me if you can, i'm feelin' down~, and i do appreciate you being around~
  help me get my feet back on the ground~ won't you please please help me, help me, help me~ woo~

  wow, i remember all those. i once collected every single album of beatles with the cassette tapes.
  abi, do you even know what cassette tapes are? cassette tapes were replaced by CD's and CD's are being replaced by MP3.
  i'm sure you have iPod. have you? it's american, you know. so you know it sucks. long live the queen!

  ...reading your posting...

  ok. i read it. so you lost your best friend. ha ha ha, congratulations!
  welcome to the world of solitude, the greatest sunny island of the planet!
  i've been without a friend for more than a year by now and i love every hair of it!

  i understand your point. back in high school, i also had "a few, very few very close friends."
  i don't know how it goes among you girls, but for boys, we fight, we forget.
  based on my experience, i learned girls have better memory capacity and never forget.
  so goes many many my failed dates... i made a stupid mistake and they hate me for it for the rest of their lives!
  you girls...

  anyhow. you said you are a sci geek? let me test your knowledge. explain me the mechanism of extinction:

  ...
  ...
  ...

  what is your answer? conjecture? you like math and physics but not biology?
  is biology too easy for you or you don't like the 'brute memorizing nature' of it?
  that i don't know. you never mentioned biology, have you?

  ok, the answer time. extinction of a species occurs when the species feed on a single source of food
  and the food ceases to supply.  then the whole species starve to death.
  looks like you are it. you depended on that one friend and she deserted you and now
  you are about to starve to death. it's like, what's her name, Jodie? Jodie in Jodie Foster?
  i hate that actress-- those hollywood morons gave her the oscar only because she
  graduated from Yale shit. she doesn't know how to act. not at all.

  anyhow, back to biology. ok, so you are an animal who feed on a single source of food.
  it's like, yeah, that's where i stopped and digressed to Jodie Foster and shit. sorry ;>
  so it's like, Jodie is the sun to you. she's like, the sun and you're the earth orbiting around it,
  benefitting from it. you said you were about to work for nasa? then you should know physics, ehy?
  ok. i happen to know it too. so where are we, jodie the sun, abi the earth.
  now the sun is about to go thru that cycle of the star. the sun exhausts the burning energy, whatever it is,
  and it is about to collapse inward due to its enormous mass and so gravity. now it become a blackhole.
  how about you, abi the earth? are you gonna escape it or let yourself swirl into it?
  i bet you know about blackholes. isn't steven hawking british? he went to oxford, didn't he?
  do you like him? would you marry him? ha ha ha.

  so yeah. back to biology, sorry if it ain't your favo sci, but i love animals. and i love eating them too.
  i'm a walking contradiction just like you, sweetie ;>

  ok. biology. do you know why crocodiles have survived so many eons without evolving, changing themselves?
  crocs and aligators are ones of few species hardly evolved, all the way back from the ages of dinosaurs.
  so why? why do they fucking keep surviving? why do they die? why don't they commit suicide?
  why why why? any guess? i already gave you a hint.

  ...
  ...
  ...

  ok girl, time's up. what's your answer? right, you're smart. they eat EVERYTHING!
  they eat birds, they eat frongs, they eat dead fish, live fish, dead deer, live deer, whatever.
  they eat everything. that's why they don't just die when some entire species of fish go belly up.

  i'm not saying you should become a croc, don't get me wrong, ha ha ha.
  i'm not here to give you unwanted advices. i'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist.
  i'm nobody. you don't even know my name. so ignore everything i said if you disagree.

  bye abye ;>

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  hey abi :>
  would you agree with me if i say "jesus committed a suicide?"
  I think he did. call me crazy, but i'm sure that's exactly what happened.
  he knew people were going to kill him. but he didn't escape. isn't this a suicide?
  now. preachers say jesus died for humanity. is it right? what's jesus' suicide got do to with you or me?
  i don't know. what do you think, abi? any answers?
  cheers~

• secretary said on Jan 19, 2008....

  Hi Abi,

  do you believe in miracles that bible said jesus did?
  do you believe jesus cured sick people?
  do you believe jesus resurrected from the dead?

  what if you can make miracles?
  what if you can cure yourself?
  what if you can resurrect yourself?

  what if, you are the jesus, abi?
  

• secretary said on Jan 19, 2008....

  Hi Abi,

  how're ya hangin' there?

  i was jogging in a trail and you know,
  there were other joggers too so,
  so kinda compete each other, implicitly.
  i was faster than that girl so i outran her,
  then i realized my hair band fell off seconds ago.
  so i went back and picked it up. so i stopped.
  i tried to restart running, but i couldn't.
  it wasn't impossible but it certainly was
  harder to pick it up once it was interrupted.

  then i realized this is exactly the same situation you may be in!
  you dropped studying because of the interruption--
  the trouble in your monogamous friendship with Jodie.
  it is insanely harder to pick up the studying again.
  and other runners, they kept on running and
  relatively, you're falling behind because you stopped running.
  you know the relative velocity in physics, right?
  the newtonian/gallileian one, not einsteinian relativity.

  speaking of einstein, you know failed college exam once.
  then he studied a year more, so a year later, he got into
  a decent school in switzerland. hello? it's einstein we're talking about.
  even he once failed in school, falling behind others.
  if he had committed suicided then, we wouldn't have relativity theory now.
  who knows, abi? perhaps you're the einstein of the century!
  you're needed, abi. perhaps you hold the key for the 'theory of everything'
  or 'universal field theory' or whatever mystery physics have yet to solve.

  btw i recommend jogging. who knows, maybe you'll come up with
  som crazy equation that will overthrow the foundation of mathematics,
  like kurt goedel did.

  anyhow. you mentioned you have a secret. you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.
  yes, some secrets have better be released to some 'confidentee' or trustee,
  but it should be someone you are sure to trust, and you're sure s/he won't hurt you
  or make fun of you. internet is not a safe to reveal your secret, cuz you don't know these people.

  some secrets are better to be kept alone.  do you know why psychologists,
  therapists, psychiatrists want their clients to open up and tell everything?
  cuz they are shitty voyeurs! they want to see their clients naked!
  they are sick sick bastard sons and daughters of bitches.
  do you know why they have their professions? cuz they themselves have mental diseases
  and they want to deny the existence of their diseases by establishing their profession
  as a healer, doctor, which will disguise and hide their own illnesses.

  about your youth. you know people in your blog, they die to teach you a life lesson.
  some of them are valid. even if you fail colleges, it's not the end of the world and
  they know it, they learned it by experience and observations in their lives, their friends,
  family members and acquaintances.

  so yeah. who gives a damn about who outruns who in a jogging track, right?
  i'm sure you know of self-made people who started from ground zero and absolute poverty,
  and later made themselves a millionaire, a billionaire in the world of finance,
  business, manufacture and all. some of them are even highschool dropouts.

  are you pretty, abi? are you skinny? do you have a "marketable" look?
  then you can be a model or an actress. the list they care is your school grade.
  if you're a looker, they'll give you the job.

  i'm not saying you should drop your studying. what i'm saying is,
  you can do whatever you fucking want! why? cuz you're young!

  we human beings never appreciate what we have. so is youth.
  the people in this blog are dying to give you un-asked-for advices.
  why? cuz they're jealous about your youth!
  abi, you are superior to all of us, in that you have what we don't have-- the youth.
  youth is the potential, and the asset for everything.
  you can do everything, be everyone, go everywhere.

  why don't you have a trip around europe? around asia? around america? around africa?
  have you been to amsterdam?
  why don't you try some drugs there? i heard it's legal to smoke a pot there.
  i think it's better to smoke a pot then to be dead. don't you think?

  abi, why don't you make a history by breaking the law of gravitation?
  by escaping the blackhole? to you, jodie is a dead star that turned itself into a blackhole.
  you're orbitting around it, and on the brink of falling into it.
  why don't you become a jesus by making an exception in the law of physics?
  why don't you escape a dead star, then become a star yourself?

  have you seen the movie 'forest gump'?
  if you haven't seen, i highly recommend it.
  there, the gump boy starts running and there was this amazing SFX scene
  that his running legs breaks apart the bracing he's wearing, right?

  so start running, abi, and break apart everything that the dead sun of yours used to offer you, protect you, and enjail you-- you don't need them anymore.

  cheers, abi~

   

• secretary said on Jan 20, 2008....

  
  Hi Abi,

  i just wanna share something with ya.
  suicidal thoughts are an evidence that you have a healthy conscience and intelligence and mind.
  suicide is a fantasy that everybody gets to have once or more in their minds, don't you think?

  big time ceo's, corporate bastards and stupid presidents and senators who
  take bribes and campaign contrubutions from insurance and drug companies,
  they never think of suicide. why? cuz they're sick.
  they have zero conscience, an incurable disease in mind.

  doctors don't say these people are sick. why? cuz they're one of them!
  they're the same sick rich snakes on earth who is looking for the next victim,
  whose self esteem is so low that they'd allow themselves to be called, "sick patients who need help."

  abi, in my little opinion, you're the healthiest human being among
  all the people in your four blog threads.

  hey, i think of suicide, i'd say, at least once or twice a week.
  but never when i eat a kentucky fried chicken or subway sandwich.
  i'm a simpleton who gets so happy when eat.

  how about sex? aren't you getting it enough? things get routine-ous? not fun enough?
  then perhaps it's time to change your partner.
  then go to a bar. believe me, when you're there, you are the queen.
  you rule. every single guy in there would die to do you a favor, any favor.

  suicidal thoughts are normal, moral, and desirable.
  abi, you're in the right track.

  i think the difference here may be:
  some people don't carry out suicide, cuz they don't bother to kill themselves.
  some people carry out suicide, cuz they don't bother to live.

  is life better than death?
  is death better than life?
  is there a life after death?
  is there a death after life?

  how do we know what happens after death?
  perhaps there is something better after death?
  perhaps there is something worser after death?
  the anser is, we don't know! we can't know.
  maybe that's why we're afraid of death. the ultimate uncertainty of it.

  then is suicide a brave adventure?
  an exploration to the unknown?
  or is it an end?
  or is it a start?

  i still don't understand why jesus said
  "those who wanna live will lose it,
  those who lose their lives for my sake will gain life."

  people usually dismiss jesus, don't they?
  even christians. actually, christians are the most dismissive people on jesus,
  cuz they hear him everyday, but never listen to him.

  abi, it's only fair for me to introduce myself a bit,
  cuz you obviously introduced yourself.

  i won't tell you what i am, cuz i want my privacy kept,
  but i tell you what i'm not:
  i'm not a psychiatrist,
  i'm not a therapist,
  i'm not a psychologist,
  i'm not a christian.

  i'm not even your friend.
  i won't pretend or claim or force myself to be your friend,
  like the rest of these people in your blog do.

  i have a decent 4-year college degree in some kind of engineering,
  i got a job for that knowledge and i pay my own rent.
  my hobby is to learn things.
  i read science literature even though i don't have a midterm exams coming next week any more.
  i do it for fun.
  i started to study tensor analysis to get a better understanding on general relativity,
  and geez, it's hard. but it's fun.
  i dropped it a few months back but i wish to pick it up again some time.

  and i also read bible. for the things i say about bible, christians may think i'm devil.
  ha ha ha. maybe i am, ha ha ha.

  but i think i have a pretty good idea of going about understanding what jesus said.
  people believe in jesus. but they don't understand him.
  their faith is vacant. it's a parrot talking repeating the same words over and over again.
  why? cuz they want to numb themselves. they want to become a parrot.
  they want to numb their sensors and brain so that that they don't have to feel pain,
  they don't have to think, they don't have to act, they don't have to judge what is wrong
  and what is right.

  an example. pope. he indulges in shopping spree and fancy "designer brand" handbag.
  do christians and catholics criticize him about it? no! why? cuz they're doing the same thing!
  jesus said
  "a servant cannot have two masters. you cannot serve both money and god."
  "it is more difficult for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel enter the ear of a needle."
  they don't care. they don't care what jesus said.
  they're not in church to learn from jesus.
  if it is jesus' teaching they're after, they can do it in starbucks.
  come on, you can buy a bible in a dollar store these days,
  you don't have to go to church to learn bible.

  
  to them, jesus is an idol to blindly rely upon.
  to them, jesus is not their savior, but an actor in a movie, a charactor in an epic story,
  a hero in a novel, a singer in MTV, an entertainer!
  that's why these people who call themselves christians sing, dance, preach, pretend in churches.

  i don't go to church. but i read bible.
  i try to understand it.
  at least i know that jesus' teaching is difficult to understand.
  i know that i don't know.
  christians? they don't even know that they don't know.

  alright abi, enough me talking.
  gee what the heck am i doing? i don't even know you're still reading all this.
  i don't even know you're still alive!

  well who cares if you're live or dead?
  people will forget about you and move on with their own lives.
  is that what you want? do you want to be forgotten?
  you don't want to be forgotten? then you should become an einstein.
  if you become an einstein, you'll never be forgotten. even after you die of an old age.
  you'll become a history, abi.

  cheers~

   

• secretary said on Jan 20, 2008....

  
  Hi Abi,

  if you don't mind, i wanna keep sharing some thoughts.
  well, even if you're dead now,
  i guess your ghost still have internet access and read this,
  easing the posthumous boredom, ha ha ha.

  ever since the birth of christian church two milleniums ago,
  i bet there hasn't been a single christian human being who
  followed the following teaching of jesus:
  "give all your possessions to the poor, and you follow me."
  not a single person. and i bet if s/he calls oneself a christian,
  s/he knows this phrase by heart. but they don't follow it.

  ever since the birth of christian church two milleniums ago,
  have a single one of pastors, preachers, priests, pope
  rebuke a single christian of theirs, for not following that teaching of jesus?
  no. not a single rebuke. why? what do you think?

  ...
  ...
  ...

  ok. since i can hear what you say over there across the atlantic ocean,
  i'll just say what i think the answer is:
  they need their money. they want their money.
  they want their church goers to be rich.
  they need them to be rich. to feed them. to contribute to their belly.
  to buy houses. pay off mortgages.
  pay off the fancy ivy league college their sons and daughters just got in.
  that's what's in their minds. church leaders. to them, it's a profession.
  it's a business. they want money, need money.

  they don't say "give your money to poor people."
  instead, they say "give your money to church."
  "giving money to church is to give money to god, to jesus.
  cuz church is the house of god, house of jesus, house of holy spirit."
  "you donate your money, you'll enter heaven."

  yes. it's market. it's a god market, a jesus market, a heaven market.
  they sell out. that's what they do. that's what they're good at.
  that's what they're there for.

  to christians, going to church every sunday is nothing more than going to a movie theatre.
  it's just that they don't have popcorn and soda in their hands.
  but the purpose is the same-- the entertainment.
  and they're paying for the weekly entertainment in the form of collection or donation.

  what a funny world we are living in.
  no wonder conscientious people like you, abi, want to die.
  cuz this world doesn't accomodate the righteous, the just, the good, the faithful.
  this world is a paradise for the evil, for the greedy, for the bad, for the evil.
  that's what this world is all about. it's about money, fame, sex, power, and violence.

  so what's your take, abi?
  are you gonna leave this world of evil, in search for a world of good?
  are you willing to take chance on its existence? nonexistence? uncertainty?
  are you sure there is nothing after death? heaven? hell?

  or, would you keep fighting in this battlefield?
  as a rebel, the lonely one who still keep the belief of the eventual victory of the good?
  an innocent one who keep the faith of the spread and prevalence of the justice in this world?
  do you think it is worth fighting?
  who is jesus anyway? don't wanna know? is he a rebel leader? an anarchist? a sociopath?
  a suicide-monger? a suicide-savior? a suicide-preventer?
  i don't know. i don't know who he is. but i know for sure what he is not:
  jesus is not a suicide-condemner,
  jesus is not a suicide-judger,
  jesus is not a suicide-criticizer.

  what jesus condemns is the greedy, the rich, the powerful, the joyful, the happy, the laughing.

  don't you remember what jesus said about laugher?
  "cursed are those who are laughing, for they will cry.
   blessed are those who are crying, for they will rejoice in heaven.
   blessed are those who are suffering."

  abi, i don't know if jesus is in heaven or in a grave. that i don't know.
  but if he is in heaven, you know in your heart that he is blessing you.
  because you're suffering, not laughing.
   
  "to be or not to be, that is the question."
  wasn't shakespeare british? wow, the classical literature came to life on you!
  you're a one lucky girl, abi ;>

  cheers~
  

• secretary said on Jan 20, 2008....

  
  Morning Abi,

  or is it evening there?
  i'd like to share some thoughts.
  "those who only talk my words won't go to heaven.
   it is those who act my words who go to heaven."
  said jesus. jesus wants people to "act" with their body, not their mouth.
  this is what makes christians anti-jesus.
  they never act. they talk. hence, they're hypocrites.

  "I am the way, the truth, the life."
  said jesus. how cool is that? how poetic? how sublime? how majestic?

  abi, have you heard of a mathematician Godfrey Hardy?
  he was in cambridge university in your country.
  he brought that indian prodigy kid Srinivasa Ramanujan to england
  and made him famous, you know.

  when hardy saw ramanujan's math equations, he said
  "these must be true, because,
  if they were not true, no one would have the imagination to invent them"

  this is how i feel about jesus' teaching.
  it is no mathematical or logical proof.
  it's like,
  "these must be the truth, because,
  if they were not the truth, they can't be this beautiful."
  truth is simple, some say. if it is, such simplicity is the beauty of truth.

  one question i have is, did jesus know about any math?
  aren't hardy or ramanujan smarter than jesus in term of math?
  did jesus know everything or not everything?
  did he know everything but taught only the things that people around him would understand?

  wherever you are abi, in heaven or on earth,

  take care~

  PS:
  whoopsy, i forgot.
  i meant to mention one more thing:

  i'm not a scientologist.

  you know, scientologists oppose psychology and psychiatry,
  cuz they think they have a better method of therapies than those people.
  so all those three groups are just competitors in the therapy market.

  i have no financial interest in therapies.
  i'm not a therapist. enough said.

  bye abi~
  

• secretary said on Jan 20, 2008....

  
  Evening Abi,

  or is it morning there? heh heh.
  i want to ask you a favor.
  can you open a bible and read some of mathew, luke, john, or mark?
  any one of them will do.

  "jesus walked on the water. so did peter."
  that right-- jesus can defy gravity!
  so can peter, as long as he keep the faith in him.
  peter is like you or me, right? he's no son of god.
  but he could do it.

  even the light bends around blackhole.
  but i think jesus can escape it, so can peter, so can you, so can i.

  i know, it's a process. it's not like, you take this magic 'drug'
  and it cures everything. i don't think there is a panacea or cure-all
  for life problems. it takes time.
  getting rid of a bad habit, such as a suicidal attitude,
  would take as much time as it's got attached.

  remember, as long as you accept jesus died for you,
  you don't have to die. one death is enough. more is unnecessary.
  got it? ha ha ha.

  cheers to you, abi~
  

• secretary said on Jan 22, 2008....

  Hey Abi :>

  are you still alive? do you myspace?
  drop me a little message at myspace.com/huhnkie

  cheers~
  

• secretary said on Jan 25, 2008....

  hey Ms. Annabella!

  i know you're alive.
  kudos for the struggle, the victory, the survival!
  you've survived so far, let us keep fighting ;>

  cheers, abi~

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