• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 17, 2008....

  quitter.  you are being selfish if you do it

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 17, 2008....

   I agree that you can't always change the way you feel inside.  I've had my moments like everyone else.  Even had the right pile of pills ready.  But, I'm glad that no matter how much my life sucked, that I'm still here.  I would have missed out on so many things that I couldn't have imagined then.

   

  Just my thoughts.  BTW, your blog might be the "appropriate" place to respond.  I'm glad you did, I will confess I wanted to provoke your "fighting spirit" which I was reasonably sure was still there.

• abigale-annabella said on Jan 17, 2008....

  erm, is this my blog? hope so lol.

  You sound a lot older and by that i mean wiser than me

  Im nearly 17.

  tbh, im glad you replied, and i have written another blog on my religious beliefs.

  wow, i didnt realise you'd been through the same thing, honestly, i envy your strongness, the fact you had them ready but got through it,,does bring some hope.

  But who were you doing it for?

  I dont feel like i have friends anymore, not real ones anyway, and the only family member im close to is my mum

  But she could manage without my mood swings and door slams, im sure,

  its not like id leave her on her own, she has her own family, a husband(my stepdad) and a daughter(my half sister)

  Its like she has a brand new life ready for her, i hate how worried shes getting about me, i dont want to put her through it, cos what if im like this for the rest of my life?

  theres so many things going wrong, i dont see what their is to live for.

   

• Me-Myself&I said on Jan 17, 2008....

  you say you  don't need anyone's advice....comment only if we feel the same!
  everyone of us sometime or another wishes to end....some kind of pain!
  Giving-up huh?.....well, please DON'T! i'm not going to tell you everything will be ok cause i don't know what is wrong. but you want to hear a sob story about a 51 yr. old woman.....in a period of 1 monthes time she went thru.....losing her grandchildren and daughter-in-law, they just left and never came back.....then this woman's son spent 13 mos. in Iraq....came home and his mother's house burnt to the ground.....pets died and grandma's things went up in smoke....then just days later her father died!....then the whole world came tumbling down....this woman loves life and all that is in the world but wanted to give-up too.......i did not to so!!!
  i fight with all my might every day!!! i want to see the sun come up every day.....i want to feel the wind and smell the flowers and make more friends and learn more ....mostly how to work this computer! *smile* BUT i REFUSE to allow satan or any demons to take my will to live away! don't let a corner of your life ruin your whole being. there's nothing but darkness and lonelness in death. no sun, no feel-good things....IS everything so bad? everything? nothing good or right?
   
  please forgive me for going on and on....everyone here at SoulCast carry their own cross....what is why we are here....to share our pains and joys! don't write bad things and except any of us to ignore it....we can't!!!!! we care!!!! that's also why we are here! each and everyone of us knows the feeling of giving-up but we won't and i hope you will give us a chance to help! ((hug))
  well i did what you ask for me NOT to do....i HAD to. i'll be watching and reading your crys but NO more talk about giving-up....just for one week ok...lets see if we can help heal this pain. ((HUG)) peace and love to you!!!  ME

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 17, 2008....

  I am older than you.  Which I suppose does give me more life to look back on now.  I remember clearly being miserable as a teenager.  Unfortunately I have had some shockingly horrible times as an adult too.  The thing that ties me to the world now is my children, who I wouldn't have had if I had gone through with it.

  As for your mom.  Yes, she has loved ones around her, but YOU are her loved one too.  I would be devistated if my daughter died.  No matter how.  No matter how hard it is to understand her some times.  There is nothing I wouldn't go through to keep her with me.  Trust me, I've already been through some of it.

  One thing I learned (later in life) is that life sucks some times.  A lot.  But, if you didn't have these awful times, you'd have less appreciation for the wonderful times you will have later.  Hope this helps.

• abigale-annabella said on Jan 17, 2008....

  first let me say thank you..so so much. And that I wish I had a friend like you!

  your words braught a tear to my eye, and for a moment I felt I could feel God again.

  like he was working inside you.

  I used to be a devout Christian. then..well something bad happened,, and as cliché as it seemed I decided a good god would not let such things happen

  I soon changed my mind and one night, when I was feeling at an all time low, I prayed, for the first time in motnhs, so so hard to feel the holy spirit,and feel gods love and acceptance.

  but it didn’t come

  I was shocked at first, I believed so much that he would answer me. After that, I felt rejected, like I was not allowed back into his life.

  I tried going to church again

  it didn’t work

  I felt nothing.

  My emotions went down hill from their,,, I stopped caring and loving everything I used to, I get no pleasure from the things that once made me happy

  every day I think about how I want to die

  and some days..i think about god.

  I feel so angry inside

  angry that I was refused his love,angry at how I am changing, angry at how I feel inside.

  I do feel worthless, and I theres really only one person who can help me…but he doesn’t want to.

  thank you anyway, you made me smile and mean it, if not only for a moment

• uniquely-ironic said on Jan 17, 2008....

  Okay, girlfriend, I know I'm probably old enough to be your mother.  You're stuck with me as a friend, and that's final!
   
  God.  He's a touchy subject with me.  When I went through my divorce I decided that he was completely imcompetant.  I have since branched out in my religious beliefs.  Part of my heart hangs onto at least a little bit of my belief in a god.  I think some times God puts the answer in our hearts, but we work really hard at ignoring it.
   
  I also believe in karma, which is eastern philosophy.  It doesn't always happen right away, but when bad things happen, the one who caused them will reap the same at some point in their life.

• wakingharmony said on Jan 17, 2008....

  I am old enough to be your Mother & Grandmother . I have both a daughter 17 and a few Granddaughters 15,16, & 17..... I see this so much lately.... It hurts so bad! I want to take you in my arms and tell you to cry, yell, rant.... Let me have your tears your hurt. I know this isn't possible any more than you can feel my hurt feeling as a mother, there is nothing to do. Here is a poem my daughter Angela wrote @ 14, I think maybe you may like it.  Link
  Take care ok.
  

• hinana said on Jan 17, 2008....

  hey abi,
  first off, id liek to say that im not as old as most everyone else here, im your age actually.
  i dont have a perfect life, far from, a lot of it sucks actually.
  ive very very fleetingly thought about suicide, not seriously but more like when im cookign something, and i have teh knife in my hand its like, this could cut through my wrist and end it all...ive never gone firther then realizing that..i dont want to
  my lifes not great sure,
  but i want to change that. make it worth living for when im older.
  I think that if you think theres nothign worth living for right now, MAKE somethign for yourself thats worth living for, FIND something, DO something.
  bawl your heart out. scream and yell and cry. but once uve got that out of you, make a list of what u dont like. then make a list of what ud like it to be. then figure out how to make that second list happen.
  coem out of this a stronger person then you were going in. make sure you come out of it.
  I for one, hope you do. I dont even know you, but i honestly hope that everything works out for you, and that you end up happy.
  <3 hina

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  
  Hello Abigale,

  What a nice name.

  I think I live on the opposite side of the universe from you.

  I have the exactly opposite problem. First of all, I certainly need your advice.

  I am not scared to write down my true feelings in case someone finds out
  even though all of what i am about to write, no one knows.

  To the people in real world, i'm a sad, languid, unfunny guy who hates life.
  They don't actcually know that my frowns are all fake, and every day i wake up not thinking..

  well. i just hate waking up, having to go to work, i just hate it.
  i wish i win a lottery so that i don't have to wake up in the morning, for i love morning sleep.

  and i don't care if they know all these.

  faking a sadness everyday is easier than it sounds. and away from work, i am a completely different person.
  well, i don't have a girlfriend, and i'm done with school. i don't have a single friend.
  i spend most of the time laughing, mostly not thinking about how i would like to live.
  yeah, i guess i'm a selfish ass.

  so yeah, this was just an intro into my life, and this is my first posting in this blog website
  and i wonder why the guy with the perfectly "imperfect life" isn't having such an imperfect time at all.

  I finally have the medicine that could resurrect you in an instant. now the powers here,
  you have to think about your decision. i feel that by writing it all down it will help you to decide what to do.

  i want everyone's attention.

  i want your comments if you feel the opposite way.

  and i certainly need your advice.

  Abigale, can you help me?

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  
  Hi Abigale,

  Are you still alive? ha ha ha.

  I've just read thru all the postings here and, geez, these people don't listen.
  Abigale specifically said she doesn't need an advice and all they do is to advise.
  This is wrong!

  So Abigale, you mentioned your family and your religion.

  I stopped talking to my family about 2 years ago.
  I'm 29 now, and when I was 27, I was dating a lady in her 59.
  My mother was 57 then. so i was dating a woman older than my mom
  and that totally freaked her out. that was the last time i talked to her.

  i know whoever is reading this, would be dying to throw me zillions of advices but
  people, i do neither need your ego-exploding advices, nor will i accept them, at all.
  however, i need an advice from Abigale. so other than her, please shut the hell up.

  about religion. the last time i went to church was, about 6 years ago.
  i went to church, because my mother took me there. i was 23 and i was still a mama's boy.
  but i wasn't a virgin cuz i had gone to a whore house in amsterdam 2 years back.
  believe me, virginity means nothing to a guy, unless he's a gay.

  anyhow, that's my side of the religion story.
  Abigale, do you recommend me to go to church?

  i know you're a girl of young age, so i won't  blame you
  if you opt not to email me, but i toss you my email anyways:

  thesecretaryoftruth@yahoo.com

  you mentioned there's only one person who you think can help you but refuses.
  who the hell is s/he? your boyfriend? your mom? your sis? god? pastor?
  i don't think it's a good idea to reveal that in this blog.
  so if you dare, email me about it. i'm curious.

  chiao.

• lfbno7 said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Life changes a lot. Stick around and check out the next chapter. With every chapter you get through, you have graduated something or other. We don't see reality from here. Reality is in heaven. Here we don't see shit.

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  Amen, lfbno7.

• Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I am 'old' enough to be your Mother too..
  
  Sometimes Moms, Dads, Mom-like figures, will help you by saying things you don't, or won't, like to hear..
  
  But it's better than an extreme in thinking that could make you die..
  
  Most Christians worth their salts understand that hard times will come and go, and life won't always play by some prescripted plan we hoped for..Many times though, because God is good and works things to our good, He makes things happen that are more than we hoped for.
  
  I am not suggesting your faith was shoddy or wasted, because, especially for young people, but most people really, truly hard times, ocassionally, will come and beat at, and very much test, their faith.
  
  Since I became a Christian, I have received quite a few personal healings, with some still on the way. I have suffered loneliness, and the pain of being excluded, even though it's been some time since I've been your age..
  
  I think you have a special challenge too! Because I think the folks in your age group today, especially the ones with faith, are coming up against a culture, via the media, and academia, and social systems, which is Godless in its world view, and very much inclined towards a death-ethos..A culture-of-death, as it were, which makes very little room or friendly accomadation for true Chirstians, and people of faith. Or what they believe..
  
  A culture that would be sane in revering life, would tell you that, no matter how it 'feels', feelings can come and go, your life, whoever is reading this, is an amazing and incomparable gift!!!
  
  Do you realize that studies show that the average introvert effects over 10,000 other lives in the time of their existance?
  
  How much more for you???..
  
  More than that, I'd say, that suicide can be very selfish..
  
  It's a way to play god, because only God should have the say over any person's life..Much less a sincere believer..
  
  In the days that I have been saved, I have suffered personally. I have been given great and wonderful gifts, like a loving and kind Husband. I have had healings, as I shared, and seen loved ones come to faith too..
  
  I have also suffered the ups and downs of personal financial hardship, and the loss of our two babies, a boy and a girl, our only, in the span of this past two years!
  
  As painful as that was, I would not take back my faith in my God, or think that He is a bad God, or not good..
  
  Because I know, that even on this side of Heaven, there are just going to be things I cannot explain..
  
  In any case, hon, life does get better..But it won't ever be perfect..
  
  You may, however, meet someone who's perfect for you!
  
  Or you may have amazing children, whose lives change the world, and the very things that pain you, or cause you to do..what you seek to..
  
  Or you may just find life brings a bittersweet mix, but because you know it is God who gives you who and what you have, you can see HE is bringing you through all of this..
  
  In any case, I say, don't give up..
  
  Don't Quit!!!
  
  I didn't..
  
  And I haven't even told you what I had to go through on this earth, before I even hit the young age of 17~
  
  I wish you'd take a moment to visit this site hon..
  
  We all need to watch out for your negative extremes..
  
  I will be praying for you..Me and my Husband will ..
  
  God bless you,
  
  clair
  
  
  http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
  
  http://www.metanoia.org/suicide
  Also try to read the Psalms, for consolation, Proverbs, for wisdom, and a book by an author named Backus (sp?) who wrote one in a series called "Telling Yourself the Truth"..Very helpful read..There are others..but my time is running out to post here..@ the moment :^)

• winterslight said on Jan 18, 2008....

  your post sonds alot like mine that i wrote long ago the hole nutshell so i stoped and then the hole fake smiles so yes i no were ur at.

  death is not the answer to a fucked up life. it is a wimps way out.

  my life is hard and scarey every day. waiting for something new to go wrong. but even if i have a bad day i find the good things in that day.

  and as a mother your wrong about if u was gone your mom could live her life. she wont a part of her will die the day you die. so in away you would be killing her to.  she is your mom you say you love her you really want to do that?

  people who take there life never thing about the after. and what it does to the people they left behinde. i no u hurt but you will hurt more than u know.

  and friends hell they come they go. some fake and some real.  pick your friends better if you no they are a waste then walk away. you dont need them.

  but your life is your own and you can do as you wish. but just no the day you die your mothers world will fall apart and she will truely never be happy again.

  just know your young and ya life sucks and its hard and at times its is not worth getting out of bed. but the moments that you get are worth so much more. you need to think of them good times and grab on to them and never let go of them. and stop holding on to the bad.

  i no it is hard and yes fake smiles are needed at times. but life is worth it. you would of never been born if you wasnt worth it.

  i think what might help you see shit life isnt so bad. give your time to a childern `hospital and see them kids how they never give up no matter what. you can learn alot from a child!

  take care and good luck!

• Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 18, 2008....

  amen to that..
  
  As a Mom, I can say my life has bene forever changed by losing our babies..And we hardly got a chance to even know them :^(
  
  How much..harder to see one's child take their life by their own hand..
  
  Unimaginable
  

• secretary said on Jan 18, 2008....

  i understand you, abi. you may ask, why should i live?
  what is the reason for life? i bet people here have answers they think are right. wrong!
  there is no such a thing as reason for life! life is an accident!
  a man loves sex, a woman loves sex, they fucked it up, voila-- a new life begins.
  all these people who try to persuade of you about meaning of life are hypocrites.
  they think they know better than you and so they can teach you a "life lesson."
  how horrendous is that? they're not trying to help you here, but they are taking
  this advantage to boast about themselves and their "happy life."
  abi, you're smarter than these people, because unlike them, at least you know that there is no meaning or
  reason for life. i'm there right with you. i think everybody on earth has an inviolable suicidal right.
  so. why do people live then? why do most people don't execute their suicidal right?
  what do you think, abi?
  ...
  ...
  ...
  ok, let's compare the answers. you may be right and i may be wrong, but my answer is that
  people who don't commit suicide are cowards. they're afraid of death. why? cuz they're having so much fun in life!
  the more fun you have in life, the more you fear death, cuz you don't wanna lose it all!
  are you into history, abi? there once was a king in 'Qin' Dynasty in china. he is the one who united all the
  small nations in china continent into one big nation of china as we see in the map now.
  after the success of unification, he is the king of this huge kingdom and so happy. he wanted to live forever.
  so he launched a journey to find "panacea" or cure-all, the medicine that eternalize life and rid aging forever.
  do you know what happened next? he died of a disease he contracted during that very journey.
  now that i know you know bible, let me mention one more:
  "those who tries to live will die,
  those who tries to die will live."
  that's right, it's jesus once again.
  i don't know what he exactly meant by "those who tries to die will live."
  do you know? can you teach me?  did he mean everybody should commit a suicide? in order to go to heaven?
  or did he mean something else? please explain. i want to know.
  chiao, abi~
  

• vacantmind said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I am 34 and I do have a daughter your age so if this sounds like I am being too much like a mother...I apologize. It sounds to me that you are living your life for other people at this point. Stop doing that! Things change and sometimes the things that use to bring you happiness change to. There has to be one thing that you are passionate about and if you haven't found that yet...it is time to explore.
   
  Stop faking your smile. What is the worse thing that is going to happen if others know you are in pain. They might want to help you...show you how much you mean to them. Are you afraid they won't notice? They might not...I don't them but at least you won't be pretending to be something your not.
   
  I have had a gun in mouth ready to pull the trigger. I already had children at the time and it is the thought of them that made me stop and take another look at my life. The one thing I learned from that experience is "To Thine Ownself Be True."

• Zayda said on Jan 18, 2008....

  I'm not here to give you advice because there is nothing more that I can really add that would be said any better than Vacant or Clair or Uniquely.
  
  
  So, I'm just going to stop in and say hello.
  
  
  Hi there, Abigale.
  
  
  Now that you have found Soulcast, you have a place to write down what you are really thinking and feeling. And you know what, this is a great place for doing just that. So, blog on, get out what you want to say.
  
  
  But please don't expect us to be quiet and not respond. Yes, we will listen. We will also offer perspective, if not advice. It's not in our nature to be quiet when we see someone hurting or saddened or confused or angry.
  
  
  We simply don't know how to be quiet for long.
  
  
  But we will listen all you want us to as well.

• Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 19, 2008....

  "people who don't commit suicide are cowards. they're afraid of death." Hon, that's a lie, and just twisted.. People live and go on because deep inside they know where there is life there is hope..And life is a gift worth fighting for.. Go visit a children's cancer center..You tell those precious babies you want to argue to throw away one of God's greatest gifts..Or those sinking in a flood zone..Or army Wives waiting for Fathers and Husbands..Or sick people and their families in hospitals everyday.. You may find plenty of takers to shove you out the window..for your lack of gratitude and perspective.. Seriously..good times come and go and hard times too.. But how we see it all and how we deal with it is largely our choice.. Choose life..and see that there is always hope for the future.. Anyway, gratitude and perspective count for so much.. Those who make these choices box themselves in by their own dire thinking.. There are a million billion life affirming options..to the worst case scenario you choose.. Any of them is better than the ultimate lack of faith, the ultimate act of futility..which turns its nose up at God and others, saying...things can never get better.. Tap into your faith..speak to God..Pray..Find your friends.. Eat an entire cream pie, for Heaven's sakes.. But do not be sold into thoughts that make death the only option for you.. As it is no option.. Other than dying those small daily deaths to our sins, and petty behaviors.. Anyone who tries to sell you something else regarding hurting yourself..is not tellng you the truth..They are misleading you, via their own oppression. As one who has wheathered the ups and downs of hardship and clinical depression... I can promise you..It is a lie..They lie..

• Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 19, 2008....

  "people who don't commit suicide are cowards. they're afraid of death."
  
  
  Hon, that's a lie, and just twisted..
  
  People live and go on because deep inside they know where there is life
  there is hope..And life is a gift worth fighting for..
  
  Go visit a children's cancer center..You tell those precious babies you
  want to argue to throw away one of God's greatest gifts.
  
  Or those
  sinking in a flood zone..
  
  Or army Wives waiting for Fathers and
  Husbands..
  
  Or sick people and their families in hospitals everyday..
  
  
  Sorry to say, but..you may find plenty of takers to shove you out the window..for your
  lack of gratitude and perspective..
  
  
  Seriously..good times come and go and hard times too..
  But how we see it all and how we deal with it is largely our choice..
  
  
  Choose life..and see that there is always hope for the future..
  
  Anyway, gratitude and perspective count for so much..as I shared..
  
  
  Those who make these choices box themselves in by their own dire
  thinking..
  
  There are a million billion life affirming options..to the worst case
  scenario you choose..
  
  Any of them is better than the ultimate lack of faith, the ultimate act
  of futility..which turns its nose up at God and others, saying...things
  can never get better..
  
  Tap into your faith..speak to God..Pray..Find your friends..
  Eat an entire cream pie, for Heaven's sakes..
  
  But do not be sold into thoughts that make death the only option for
  you..
  
  As it is no option..
  
  Other than dying those small daily deaths to our sins, and petty
  behaviors..
  
  Anyone who tries to sell you something else regarding hurting
  yourself..is not tellng you the truth..They are misleading you, via
  their own oppression.
  
  As one who has weathered the ups and downs of hardship and clinical
  depression...
  
  I can promise you..It is a lie..They lie..

• secretary said on Jan 20, 2008....

  
  Hi Abi,

  hi clair. ha ha ha, twisted? that's right.
  i'm a sick twisted son of a bitch.

  but. you won't get the last drop of your toothpaste unless you twist it until your fingers get cramp.
  in lies, lies the truth.

  life lies and flies.

  sorry for the dirty mouth-- time for the mouthwash, ha ha ha.

  abi, don't forget to brush your teeth ;>

  cheers abi~

• Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 20, 2008....

  "but. you won't get the last drop of your toothpaste unless you twist it until your fingers get cramp.
  in lies, lies the truth".
  
  Twisting also causes cramps and pain..Your comment above suggests that absolute truth can be mainly or only found by way of your description.
  
  I disagree. God shows us truth in His word. He speaks to us via Himself, His word,  life, people, and circumstance..
  
  And He doesnt just speak in the hard times, but in good times too. And not everything we hear in our suffering is God or His will, unless it lines up with His word..
  
  Your analogy may be fine for getting at your last scrap of toothpaste. it's bad advice, however, if you are trying to help someone see the truth, and make discussions that will vitally and irrevocably effect the course of their..and perhaps others..lives..
  
  And truth, as a gift from God and a moral guideline, is not found in lies..
  
  Again, you are twisting and distorting what the real answers are..
  
  And I never called you those names..I said your replies were, and are, untrue and twisted..I won't take that back..because your kind of thinking and replies are devilish excuses for the worst sort of things..
  
  I hope someday you wake up and see, for others, and your own good..
  Til that time you continue to share about these things and could cause great harm to others with your limited understanding on these iissues.
  
  God bless and I hope it gets better for you..And that God helps your mind to be lightened and see clearly..
  
  Most people who when God is speaking through another. He can use us if we are willing to believe. He can even speak through others. But His choices are about Life and truth. They will not involve lies and distortion or our trying to play Him. I have tried to give you answers I believe God gave me, as I prayed to give answers that would be true and uplifting.
  
  take care
  
  
  
  

Comment on "My life and why im giving up (in a nutshell)"

Currently tagged	suicide hi (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment
	Comment Anonymously