One of the consequences of getting up earlier is that I have a lot more time.  I'm getting to more things on my to-do list (I'm still a grade A procrastinator though!) and I actually have time to kill instead of wasting time when I should be doing something else.

So I feel weird.  Not bored exactly, but sort of.  A little lonely, I guess.  Aside from our lovely Infernal, and my husband, there isn't anyone left in my life that I really connect to.  I really shouldn't be allowed to look at Facebook by myself anymore!  I've been sending out emails trying to keep up with the people I feel I should keep up with, but I don't really have anything to say and I don't get a lot of response back.

I guess it bothers me a little when I start to feel isolated, but I wouldn't know how else to feel.  I don't really know how to connect to new people anymore.  I guess I feel like I don't connect with much of anyone - or maybe, given my history, I just got tired of trying.  Looking back it's like my life story was designed to keep me by myself.  There are a few special people I would have preferred to keep in my life, but it didn't work out that way.  For the rest, I don't mind.  I have this need to talk and communicate, but I'm not exactly a social person.  I know people with buddy lists as long as my arm, you know? And that was never my thing.

But there's other stuff at work here, too.  I suck at working a "real" job; we've established that pretty well.  But I feel weird just being at home.  Who in this day and age stays home just to clean the house?  And I feel like if that's all I have to do, I should have an immaculate house.  Ha!  I guess I never thought I'd turn out so exactly like my mother.  She couldn't deal with working a "real" job either, she gave private lessons instead and struggled with housework for as long as I've known her.  The only difference is that she wasted time playing Solitaire and I play Shockwave games.

I keep thinking about my business, too.  I'm scared of it.  I'm scared it won't work and then I'll have to face the fact that cleaning house is really all I do, my only worth (I know, not really, but it feels that way.)  I feel bad that I have only one client and we haven't met for 3 weeks between one thing and another.  And I'm waiting to have enough money to register a name and start advertising - but really I'm just procrastinating about that too, because we can spare the money for that no problem.  I keep hashing out my "policies," and then I have to remind myself that I have ONE client.  I don't need policies.  I'm just scared that there's some kind of problem I'm not forseeing, something I should have been prepared for that will catch me unawares.  I need to stop worrying and just take things as they come, and if there are consequences, so be it; that's life.  But worriers by nature aren't good at doing that sort of thing.

I want to write a short story to post here for you guys (in honor of Jade being back, since she really liked the other one I posted) but, of course, I have no ideas. And I think, don't writers need to write?  Don't they treat writing as their job, and work at it, and spend time on it every day?  So maybe I'm not really a writer?  Maybe I'm just someone who's good at expressing herself.  That's not the same thing.  And judging by how I'm rambling here, I'm not even that good at it half the time!  Maybe I'm one of those wannabes - you know, everybody is "working on a novel."  And what if I do eventually write something complete and try to publish it - will it get published?  Will people read it?  Will anyone care?  What's the point?  Of course I know the answer to that.  The point is that I love it and it's fun.  But I can't help but want a little feedback, a little glory.  And I can't help asking myself the question.

So yeah, I'm feeling weird today.  I'm picking up my quilting again but I don't have my callouses yet so I can only do a little at a time.  I caught up on all my chores yesterday and the day before, and now I have nothing left to do but stew.  And avoid doing laundry.  And play Chocolatier 2.