I have received a few comments and a few messages about some of the things I've posted here. It seems that I've worried a few people with my refusal to take medications for the illness I have. But I wanted to explain that just because I don't want to take medicine, does not mean I'm not doing anything to manage this.
Every day of my life I'm managing this illness. I have been managing it long before I ever had a diagnosis. That only came recently. But the condition is not new. Before, I never knew what was happening or that it had a name. But I still managed it.
I am quite certain that if you knew me, you'd never have a clue about what I struggle with. I wouldn't tell you. And I can be a great actor, so you'd never know. The only people in my life who know about this are the ones who have lived with me for any length of time. They've seen all sides to me. But the rest of the world sees me quite differently.
I've been told by many people that I'm funny and I'm excellent at making people smile and laugh. I'm a good friend. I'm always there when someone needs me. If I'm feeling low, I'm able to push aside my own problems to help someone else. I'm smart and I have a good job. I rarely miss work and have never missed work due to this illness.
This is my secret struggle. On the surface, people assume I'm fairly well put together. Yes, I have quirks and simple flaws that I show them. No one is perfect, even if I wish I was. But I'm careful to show just enough weakness so that I seem human, and no one will try and delve any deeper than that. I hold myself together most of the time.
My mind might be in turmoil, but no one around me knows that. And it's because I have practice managing my moods. Do I ever break and have the facade crash down around me? Yes. It happens. I can't lie and say I've never broken the act because I've already shared here a part of myself when I was in shreds. My girlfriend has seen the act dissolve. My family has too. And a few close friends.
But I always bring myself back from that edge. I'm still here. I'm still standing. And even though I do want to give up sometimes because I'm just plain tired, I haven't yet. I can't. Because I'm stronger than that. And even if my methods don't match what others and the medical society feel I should be doing, I still have methods. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here now.
I'm still searching for new and better methods though. Every waking moment of my life, I'm searching for answers and ways to cope and looking for the meaning in it all. I have a few days here and there where I just don't care anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball and float away. My mind needs to rest. It can't think anymore. But once the darkness lifts, I'm ready to tackle life again.
And the lowest of lows, helps me to appreciate the highest of highs. I never take those high moments for granted. I use them to help others and myself. I've come up with ideas and thoughts that have truly changed other people's lives. How can I ever risk losing that part of my brain by numbing it with medication?
Someone told me I was a danger to myself and possibly others if I didn't take the medicine. But I disagree. It's more detrimental for me to lose this part of myself that feels so important to me. And important to other people. I'm not violent. I'm not aggressive. I'm not out of control crazy. I'm never mean. I don't fight with people.
In fact, when I'm feeling the high, I'm probably the most peaceful and nicest person you'd ever meet. And I dedicate myself to reaching other people in crisis. When my head is clear and I'm up, I want to save the world, not destroy it. Whether it's crazy or not, I feel like I have a purpose and a duty here, and I can't numb my brain because then I can't do my job. And that is the entire reason for my existence.
There are so many sides to a story. You can look at me and read about how low I get and how hopeless I feel, and not understand at all why I'd refuse to pop a few pills and make it go away. But it's so much deeper than that for me. Someone else here made a comment that summed it up beautifully.
She said that medication wouldn't give you answers to life, it would simply make you forget the question. And I never want to forget the question. And if I'm numb, I'll never find out the answers. I'll never grow and learn. I'll never help anyone else grow and learn. And that's what life is about. You must learn something.
To stop questioning, and pop a magic pill, it's like putting a beautiful picture over an ugly stain on the wall. The stain is still there, even if something pretty is covering it up. And if the picture stays on the wall forever, no one will ever clean the stain. It will remain there. Forgotten, but not gone. And all I'm trying to do is clean the stain. I don't want to cover it up. I want it to be gone.
blackthorn28 posted on Jan 10, 2008
| views: 454
Comments
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GracefullyGrowing said on Jan 10, 2008....
I'm proud of you. NICE work!!~Grace~ -
destinydiva said on Jan 10, 2008....
your doingan excellent job of dealing with this yourself, I totally agree with you wanting to avoid pills...if you were in denial or ignoring you had a problem, then that would be worrying, I think your doing fine your way :-) and when times get tough, dont forget you have friends here :-) xx
ps I love that quote that someone said to you.
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moonriver said on Jan 10, 2008....
blackthorn, i can understand your situation almost first-hand. and you write about it so clearly. it is indeed a daily struggle. i think you have the right approach about medication.
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 10, 2008....
Thank you, Grace.
Destiny, I've never been in denial that there's a problem. Or that I see the world through different eyes than most people. It's not always easy, but I have to survive. And I really liked what that person said too because it really inspired me to write about how I feel as well.
Moonriver, thank you for understanding my side of this. Not many people seem to be able to do that. I'm sorry if you struggle with this too, but I'm glad that my words are coming out clearly and possibly helping someone else to understand.
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Mamie said on Jan 10, 2008....
standing ovation over in this section of the gallery!! Well said, thoughtful, inspiring again...i hope you will in turn reread some of these wise words you have in your heart when you need to re-hear them again...good luck!It sounds like you have created methods that really work for you. That is great! When you are in the down phase, do you realize the up is coming even though you can't see it? I wish you well! -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 10, 2008....
Mamie, thank you. One of the reasons why I started this blog was so that I could look over my words and read them again when I needed to. It does help. And yes, I've come to realize that the dark moments won't last forever. I sometimes get stubborn and won't believe that when someone tells me, but it always ends up being true. Nothing really lasts forever, and as hard as it is when I'm feeling down, I know that tomorrow is a new day. -
gingersoul said on Jan 10, 2008....
Black...i am very proud of you......i too have been suggested several times to go to a doctor and feel better... ..
i always refused to go..
In good or bad...this is me, my whole me...
i wish you all the strenght you need to keep finding the way to be the best you that you can be......
Never forget the questions....
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moonriver said on Jan 10, 2008....
blackthorn -- this is just a quick peek into soulcast, as i'm going off-line again for a while. i used the phrase "almost first-hand," because it's a person that has been very close to me that undergoes exactly what you undergo. and for the many years that we've been together, i've come to understand "almost first-hand" the daily struggle, sometimes the hour-by-hour mood shifts that she has to cope with... and thus, that i've had to cope with myself. she stopped taking medication a long time ago, and takes only a specific dose of a specific drug only in very specific situations that happen only infrequently. her advantage is that her doctor is very supportive of this approach of developing self-coping and self-healing mechanisms that are not drug-driven.
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Mr_Box said on Jan 10, 2008....
I think it's good that you posted this. I was one of those people who commented and told you to do something. I'm glad to see that you are doing something.
Whatever works for you. I think that the people who want you to medicate are just concerned that it might be the only way to help you.
But if you can really control this effectively most of the time, then that's pretty impressive.
From what you've described it sounds as if the only time it's a real problem is when you hit the really low moments.
It's good they don't last forever, but while they're happening, I think that's when people tend to worry about you.
I know you say you've got it handled, but instead of wanting to hide during the lows to spare your loved ones the grief, reach out to them. And then they won't worry about you so much.
If you're okay most of the time, then don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for help staying afloat when you're not okay.
You live to help other people. So let them return the favor, Mr. Thorn.
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GracefullyGrowing said on Jan 10, 2008....
Mr. Box - that's EXCELLENT advice.~Grace~ -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 10, 2008....
Gingersoul, I'm glad you understand. This is me too. Good and bad. And I hope I can always keep my strength so that I can continue to keep going and get better in my own ways. Thank you.
Moonriver, I misunderstood. But I see how living with someone who has this illness effects them too. I hope you're coping alright. I hope that she has it under control enough that she can live well. It is comforting to know someone else is doing it without medication too.
Mr_Box, you're right. I'm not sure why I'd be so ashamed to ask for help when I love helping others. I never think of them as weak or stupid or something to be ashamed of. Yet, when it's me who is falling apart, I judge myself more harshly. But I will remember what you said because you're absolutely right. I don't want anyone to worry about me.
Grace, it was excellent advice.
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Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 10, 2008....
Jesus Christ helped me..
He healed me and gave me so many wonderful reasons for my life..
Just to live, too..
I am sorry you have suffered..
I understand something about these things..
I know it is real..
Anyway, God bless you..
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absolutely said on Jan 11, 2008....
Bah. Society thinks you need to be medicated cause people need to be happy 100% of the time. Antidepressants help the symptoms, but do nothing about the problems. I admit I'm on meds for bipolar disorder, and I do freak out about it once in awhile about taking a pill just to feel better. But I know I don't function well without meds. I work every day to try and figure out how I can feel better, what I can do to ease the depression. It's hard as hell. But just like you, I do appreciate the lowest lows just as much as the highest highs. Can't have the sweet without the sour, right? -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 11, 2008....
Clair, thank you for your words. I'm sorry you suffered too, but I'm glad your faith brought you healing and comfort. It's a miraculous thing isn't it?
absolutely, I'm sorry you struggle with this too. And you are so right that the medicines do nothing to treat the actual problems at all. It's just a crutch. But it is a crutch that some people benefit from greatly. I'm not anti-meds for everyone. Just for myself because it's a personal choice I've made. But the important part is never forgetting that there is so much to learn, even when you're under treatment. I'm glad you're trying to figure out your own ways to cope.
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Mamie said on Jan 11, 2008....
wow, can you believe the healing you are fostering throughout this community? that alone should be like a medicine of some sort! mamie -
chickensmother said on Jan 11, 2008....
Ha...it seems like alll I ever say is "me too!....i understand" but I guess this is the stage i am at here..it is the first time I feel I am in a community where I truly understand a lot of what people are talking about and they understand me! So, yes, black...you have inspired and continue to foster a great, cleansing discussion for so many of us.
But to come back to my 'mee tooo!' moment, I also often get the like from my friends "you need to do something!...you have to find a way to deal with your problem" They often assume that just because I tell them how down I am, or the things I contemplate, that this means I am completely wretched and helpless, when in fact I do so many things daily to lift myself up, to make sure I don't fall too far down the dark hole. Some of the things I do:
I try to exercise regularly - and of course, when i'm depressed I don't feel like it, but physical exercise is proven to raise serotonin levels
I create art or write - again, come inspiration
I go to a tanning salon sometimes, because sun for sure makes a difference to my mood
I plan to get into gardening
I have started doing some Tai Chi...it's relaxing and mediative, so for me it's good
I take recreational drugs...nah...just kidding :) heh
Anyways...yes, I think this is so important to reiterate that even when many of us write about depression, we often leave out all the countless ways in which we already take care of ourselves. -
wakingharmony said on Jan 11, 2008....
Very well said no one knows you like yourself & to you you must be true...
Hi up there "{{{{{{{Clair}}}}}}"
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 12, 2008....
Mamie, I'm glad you think I'm doing something good here. I hope I am....
chickensmother, I like your list of distractions and coping mechanisms. I have my own little list too. Maybe I should make a post about that? It might help other people if they can see what it is we do to help ourselves out.
wakingharmony, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it very much.
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Mamie said on Jan 12, 2008....
hey Black, happy weekend, I just wanted to pop in and tell you something...i think there are stains on most of the walls in my home and my life...I call it art! :)))
Comment on "Cleaning the stains of my soul"
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