Depression Sucks!
I went through a very difficult depression over the past 8 months. It was something that was brewing in my life for more than 5 years but it finally came to a head when on the same day (April 13, 2007 - I only remember that date because it was Friday the 13th and I was expecting news from my accountant re: taxes) when my tax bill was more than $12,000 and I got laid off. The reason it had been brewing is because five years ago, one of my best friends - my mother - passed away.
In my family, there is no such thing as being allowed to grieve - you "just get over it". Unfortunately, I am not built that way so I stuffed my feelings down and tried to move forward.
Should I also mention that three days after my mother's funeral I was laid off from a different job? Stuffed those feelings down as well.
Oh, and stuffed down the feelings of starting a new business and having it fail. So as you can see, it was building up and building up and building up. But the bomb that set it off was April 13th, 2007. Now, I don't think I was upset with losing my job, per se. I hated that job! I more than hated my boss! But it was just the pin that burst the balloon and all the air was let out of me.
I didn't realize that I was going into a clinical depression. That next monday, I had my very first colonoscopy (colon cancer runs in the family) and after a very clean bill of health (yea) I was exhausted from the anesthetic, so I decided to take a nap. That nap lead to an 8 month stint in bed with the covers pulled over my head.
Oh, I went out - to the grocery store, to do laundry, sometimes to have fun with some friends, but for the most part I spent the entire time in bed, sleeping.
Finally, after about 3 months, I started working with a therapist and taking anti-depressants. My life is turning around and I am more optimistic than I have ever been. I am excited to move forward (and hell, thrilled that 2007 is over).
However, the reason I bring this up is because my father, with whom I am also very close - no, let me rephrase that - with whom I WAS very close until he began dating and subsequently married a woman who doesn't want him to be close to his adult children (or his new grandchildren - a long story which I may go into in another post) and I had dinner last night. He spent most of the evening berating me, the fact that I haven't worked in 8 months and telling me to "get a F$%#ing job". He truly does not believe that depression is an excuse because he grew up with the "just get over it" mentality drummed into his head by HIS father.
How do I explain to him that I wasn't just having fun? That I was truly in a place where at one point I didn't know if there were any options except the most extreme. I always knew that there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but how do I tell someone who thinks that it was "all made up", that I was truly sick. Okay, it wasn't like having a physical disease, but definitely a disease nonetheless.
Now I don't write all of this for sympathy - I don't need it - I just was thinking about something Evil_twin said in a post about a week or so ago. That his whole life changed and that he finally got out of the house (paraphrasing ET <smile>). But the problem is while I REALLY want to get out on a regular basis, every time I walk out of my apartment money (whether for gas, milk, eggs, etc) leaves my wallet and money IS an issue at this time.
What can I do to make sure that I get out on a regular basis? Staying home, while cheaper, is probably keeping me in this depression probably longer than I should be. Although I will say, for the first time in more than 8 months I am TRULY optimistic about my future. I don't want to slide back . . .
