While commenting on one of kruuyai's posts, I was struck again by one of the patterns in my previous relationships. This one is for keeps, but when it became apparent that each of the others wasn't, I was the one who let go first.
I was the one who ran, the heartbreaker. Except once.
That once taught me a lot about relationships, and about what I did to those guys along the way. It didn't keep me from doing it one more time, though (to the guy I was dating when now-DH admitted he had feelings for me), and I'm just not proud of the me who was capable of walking away from most of those guys.
After ending things with my high school boyfriend (remember I've never quite been "my age" so don't write this off as teenager-type drama - I'm probably about 37 now if I were to give myself an age), who cheated but whom I now believe did - and does - love me, I was roughed up inside. I don't think it showed, but I hated hurting him the way I did - I just didn't see any other way.
I've never been one to stay single very long at all, but it was a surprise to me that I struck up such an easy friendship - and then relationship - with one of my brother's online chess partners. The guy was in his early twenties, a French college student who'd broken up with his fiancee a few months back. He was funny and sweet, and he'd set up his webcam and make silly faces to make me laugh when I'd had a bad day.
He even wrote a long email to my mom when she expressed concern that I was falling for someone online. In his email (which I got hold of as soon as I could :-D - a cat's got nothing on me, curiosity-wise!), he sweetly stated his "honorable" intentions toward me and how much he cared and was looking to do the right thing and all of that. My mom was quite impressed.
We spoke eventually of things like love and the future. He called me a few weeks after I started college, wanting to hear me sing. I just wanted to listen to him talk with that thickly accented English, that playful, lighthearted voice forever (and I denied his request, as I have even to my best friend thus far). He playfully teased me about leaving him for a half-dozen college guys, and spoke of possibly coming to visit during the holidays. I was thrilled.
Everything was finally getting better.
Sometimes he wasn't around on weekends - that was fine; I was adjusting to college life, making friends and figuring out campus, being blown away by the mountains around me, etc.
Then the pauses between communications started getting longer. Suddenly I realized it had been more than two weeks since we'd spoken via email or any other means.
I mentioned the strange absence to my brother, who still played chess with my guy sometimes, and there was a long pause on the phone line.
"I thought he told you," he finally muttered, and I heard the anger building in his voice.
"Told me what?" I asked, though my tongue didn't want to release the words.
"He got back together with his fiancee - they got married about a week ago."
Thus ended my one and only online relationship. Ah, lessons.
That's the only real time I've had the door slammed in my face or been caught off-guard by the end of a relationship, and he didn't even have the stones to tell me. Sometimes an after-the-fact sorry just doesn't go far enough.
All's well that ends well, and by the time he broke up with me via marriage to someone else, I was forming a friendship with the man who is now my husband. :)
Besides, I hated France the one day we visited it while DH and I were with MIL and FIL last month. I don't think I would've been happy there. ;-)
I'm the one who leaves. I don't get left - except for that time. It's kind of a moot point now, since I'm not going anywhere, but I thought it might be interesting to somebody somewhere. It's not something I like about my past self.
How about you? As a general rule, were/are you the one packing your bags, or the one left in the doorway watching the car drive off - or have you experienced a fair mix of both?
the_infernal_optimist posted on Jan 09, 2008
| views: 267
Comments
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Lucytorial said on Jan 10, 2008....
Interesting question, taking a look at my past in high school I always left first... I wasn't exactly a good girl...
I've only ever had three serious relationships, the first one we agreed to part ways, the second well I had to chose to go, it was a hard choice but I chose and third well I'm still here.......
I've always moved in my life for me not because of someone else and it sounds extrordinarily (spl sucks I know) selfish but even now I am not tied to my partner because we are married we are tied to each other because we are just damn best friends, so his life choices are his and mine are mine (to a degree and I'm sure you know what I mean)
Anyone gutless enough not to talk about it is not worth the energy so in a way being dumped and meeting your husband was probably the best thing that could have happened to you....
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lalalalalala said on Jan 10, 2008....
good question! for me, it's a mix of both. -
MissMimi said on Jan 10, 2008....
Well, I don't have much experience to look back on. But I've always been the one who was left. It's only happened twice in my life, but it's very painful. -
queenparanoia said on Jan 10, 2008....
well he turned me down before any relationship happens... we are still friends though... -
GracefullyGrowing said on Jan 10, 2008....
Once I was the dumper, once I was the dumpee. Wonder what's going to happen next? hehe~Grace~ -
nytquill17 said on Jan 10, 2008....
Interesting topic! I was usually the one who initiated the relationship to begin with. I was never single for long either (oooh my dad hated that!) - not because I was afraid to be alone or anything but I was in love with love and could usually find someone who was interested in me. Of course I got a lot of rejections too, some of them pretty darn painful.
For the breakups, I was usually the initiator there, too. Sometimes I was just pragmatic about it - it's not working; why waste time? In my more serious relationships I hung on until there was some kind of watershed event to make it clear. I always felt terrible about it and I always (with one exception) tried to be friends afterwards if the guy would have it. It was almost always a case of I genuinely cared about them and liked, even loved them, but it just wasn't going to work anymore. (Of course, my dad played a major part in the ending of many of my relationships and I really can't forgive him for that - my therapist says the way he operated verges on cruelty and I think that's a fair description! But my feelings at breaking up with someone were the same, whether I was doing it for me or to get my dad off my back.)
And I've been broken up with twice. The first time was my very first serious relationship (first kiss, first "I love you," etc.) and it hurt a lot because of bad timing in my life and because I wasn't expecting it, and because he became a totally different person afterwards. The second time wasn't such a big deal because it wasn't a very serious thing and I wasn't that surprised. I was more disappointed than hurt!
There might have been a few mutual dissolutions in there too, I kind of lose track of some of the early and in-between ones!
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uniquely-ironic said on Jan 10, 2008....
I'm a runner. I have only been left once and I still think he made a horrible mistake. I have been the one to decide to leave a relationship. I have never done it lightly. At least this way the guy had the right to whine about being left, playing the victim. -
destinydiva said on Jan 10, 2008....
This post is sooo in line with my recent thoughts about relationships and future! I have been the leaver always except once, and that one time, I knew it wasnt right we wernt happy together, I just hadnt convinced myself enough to leave, so it was a relief when he left me.
I am beginning to wonder if I just run away from everything? or just that I am not happy to stay in something that doesnt make me happy? which then leads me to think will I ever be happy? will I ever be satisfied? or will I keep on running? you ever seen the film with julia roberts and she wears trainers with her wedding dress? my friends couldnt believe I had actually gone through with my marriage! they truly expected me to not turn up! or turn up in trainers!
I am still trying to figure myself out, I like to think that I have just not 'met' mr right (literally...cus I still wonder if just maybe trav fits that description :-)
But then I wonder if my mr right even exists, maybe I am too scared of someone clipping my wings that no one will fit that bill??
anyways I could go on forever, seriously..this has been on my mind a lot this week, its nice to get some of it off my chest :-) xx
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Eilan said on Jan 10, 2008....
Like Mimi, I don't have a lot of experience in those things. I've always been the dumpee, unless you count the few forays my husband and I had into what I call consensual nonmonogamy. Without going into much detail here, I have to admit that I probably could have handled those situations better.
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genalonewolf said on Jan 10, 2008....
I have always been one to seek something more than just a fleeting conversation or even a one night stand. After you get that sense of being with someone and you start to share your life with them it gets to the point where you just can't live without it.
That has been my past, and to answer the question I have been the one to be left. Every time it happens I get my heart handed back to me in many more pieces than I gave it. i am a communicator and need to know everything I can about the person I am sharing my life with. I crave feedback and understanding for my short comings which I know that everyone has.
I have left only one person in my life which was a high school love. It was a mistake because I left her for the first woman I married. Trust me I learned from my mistakes and still can't seem to get it right. I am honestly scared to even start anything anymore in fear of it happening again.
Maybe I am the one that should be the leaver and see if that will make a difference, ......nah I doubt that would work. I seem to just care to much for the person I am with.
i see destiny say that she is a little scared of dipping her wings and if Mr. Right really exists. How will anyone ever know if they don't try right? My question is why does it seem to be so hard finding out?
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Twylarants said on Jan 10, 2008....
It's been a long, long time...but I was the dumper. I had a very short attention span in those days. There was always someone better looking around the corner. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to marry Bug Hunter because I didn't think it was going to last long. But he's still weird enough to hold my attention after all these years...lol. -
Clair_de_Lune said on Jan 10, 2008....
both, mostly they left..
but they werent for me anyway..
I'm happily married today..
except, one guy, he wasn't meant to be either..
obviously, all of them,..except my Husband..
but I wish I never slapped his face..
it was SO unlike me..
completely and absolutely uncharacteristic..:^(
I was really quite young..
it was a long story that had me react as I did..
I wish I never did that..I never got to explain why it was happening that way- to him..
He wrote me this huge long letter..
probably, by some miracle, I've basically forgotten it all..
I was 21, he was 23 or 24..
But I mean, I really don't think about that often..
until you wrote this..
He left very abruptly..
it was quite hard on me..
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gingersoul said on Jan 10, 2008....
Infernal.......like many, I have been in both side of the fence. The only pattern i can recognize is that i tend to be the one who leaves when i am in short or causal relationships.....i did this many times....
But in my three most important relationships i have been left behind......painfully in tears.......
So i guess i am a long term dumpee and a short term dumper ..lol...
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crybabylu said on Jan 12, 2008....
Yeah, I left some, and some left me. In my case it was probably for the best, when they left me. Then I knew it was definitely over. When I left, sometimes I would feel guilty, like I was abandoning them, and find myself trying to stay friends, or something, and that just prolongs the agony. -
lovetype said on Sep 06, 2008....
I agree that relationships can be challenging. In fact, I’ve tried pretty much everything. Now my friend, psychologist Dr. Alexander, showed me what’s been missing. I was looking at the wrong type for me. If you go on Dr. Alexander’s new site, www.loveTypes.com, and take the quiz, you’ll find the type that’s best for you.
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