friendship is an interesting thing. i’ve only been on soulcast for less than a month at the time of this writing. already, i’ve formed a few nascent friendships with a few folks here. heck, i’ve already exchanged e-mails and mobile phone numbers with one.
and this is weird.
no, not because they’re “internet” friendships. after all, i’ve got a lot of those: i frequent a discussion forum that’s focused on roleplaying games (RPGs) with a good 25-30 regulars. the discussions there are great fun and over the years there, i’ve made a number of friends there, some of whom have since come here to soulcast. some of them i talk to daily, some of them i’ve met. some of them know things about me that i’ve never told another living soul. so no, it isn’t that: i’m an old hand at internet friendships
no, it’s weird because growing up, i had very few friends. i was painfully shy and not particularly self-confident. that comes with the territory when you change school systems a few times, move twice and are generally more introverted than extroverted. it’s worse if you’re a bookworm into the bargain.
my parents used to fret that i wouldn’t really have many friends and frankly, when i was younger, that terrified the hell out of me, too.
and then something weird happened when i was in seventh grade: i made a friend, a close one. we hung out together, talked about girls, had fun, whole nine yards. in tenth grade, we were joined by a newcomer to our school. and somewhere along the way, i learned something very important: in order to make friends, you have to be a friend first. and ever since then, friendships were no longer a problem.
what i learned from that realization was that when you decide to be a friend, people respond well to that. someone who is willing to go out of his or her way for you inspires then to want to do the same in return: not because they owe you, but because people want to reward good will with good will (but see the caveats, below).
there is little i won’t do for a friend, insofar as it’s within my power to do. but there are a few things i refuse ever to do for either friend or family:
• i believe in honesty. a friend who would ask me to lie for him or her has underestimated the strength of my convictions. i might consider it if there’s something important at stake but otherwise, forget it. someone who calls me a friend should understand that i am not willing to compromise that principle. asking me to choose between my principle and my friendship will almost invariably result in the death of a friendship.
• i live by a rule: “ask me any question: just make sure you want to hear the answer”. i don’t remember where i first encountered it anymore—it’s not exactly original, after all. what it means: i will never encourage a course of action i consider a bad idea. if you call me a friend, this implies a certain trust in my judgment. asking my opinion grants me license to tell you that you’re being a doofus. i will exercise that right.
• avoid you when you’re hurting. my job as a friend is to help you. just be aware that what you need may not always be what you want. hell, you may not even know for yourself what you need. that isn’t to say that i know better, but hey, two heads are better than one, right?
that’s how i try to handle friendship. how do you?
ed
caveat 1: yes, sometimes people will take advantage of your making the first move. being a friend first means taking the first step, making a leap of faith that in general, people aren’t assholes. and IMX, they generally are not.
caveat 2: please exercise some common sense: you don’t hand someone money or identity-theft data that you don’t know really well and you don’t post pictures of yourself with your face online—or at least, not on a site that search engines will visit. after all, identity thieves know how to use google, too.
silverwhisper posted on Aug 03, 2006
| views: 329
Comments
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the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 03, 2006....
*funny look* You sure you're not my long-lost twin or something? I could have written that post, with maybe three words changed. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2006....
[quietly creeps into infernal's brain while she isn't looking] :D ed -
Zayda said on Aug 03, 2006....
This may be part of the concept of honesty in a friendship, but I believe in acceptance. You can't truly be a friend to someone if you can't accept them for who they are. I'm not talking about blind acceptance, necessarily, but acceptance of differences and quirks. I also think that the "one question rule", which is one that I also employ, carries with it one of being willing to accept that sometimes, even if you are tellling a friend something that is in their best interest, that friends won't always listen. Sometimes, they have to get to that anwser on their own. And it can be painful watching them get to that answer on their own. Friendship means recognize that sometimes you need to tell your friends things they already know because they often won't listen to their own voices. In all of my good friendships, there has always been a point where my friends recognize my need for my space. They can be there with me and for me but still give me my space. It's kind of like the lyrics from "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks: [i]...and I Come to find a refuge in the Easy silence that you make for me It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me And the peaceful quiet that you create for me And the way you keep the world at bay for me The way you keep the world at bay[/i] I think friendship brings with it the need to recognize that [b]sometimes[/b] there is nothing more to say, there are no words, and that holding the world at bay and giving someone that "easy silence" is the best thing for them. Giving someone that "easy silence" doesn't mean avoiding them when they are hurt; it means recognizing that in healing thereis a time to simply be and to breathe and there is a time to talk, to question, to listen, to cry, to rant, and to laugh. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 03, 2006....
zayda: i would use the word recognition rather than acceptance, but perhaps that's just me. and yeah, the need to tell someone something that they may already know is an excellent point, [i]irrespective[/i] of whether it's been said during that conversation or not. :> ed -
Zayda said on Aug 03, 2006....
Silver: I'm just repeating some very good advice a good friend told me once, twice, three times. Eventually, I'll get it through my head. :) -
carmachu said on Aug 03, 2006....
Friends are folks I consider "under my banner", basically I consider family. I do for them what I do for any family memeber, and they know it. *shrug* I dont have many, but then again, I dont need many..... -
00purple666 said on Aug 04, 2006....
I've always said I'd rather have a few close true decent friends than an army of fake friends, I've always stuck by that sometimes a fake friends slips under the net but alas no one is perfect! A true friend is someone I'd spend my last pound on if it helped them or if they needed me I'd travel to the no matter how far x A friend is for life and not just for christmas -
silverwhisper said on Aug 07, 2006....
carmachu: friends like that, no you don't need many at all. :> ed -
Alyss said on Aug 14, 2006....
[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]I also subscribe to the 'ask only if you're sure you want to hear the answer' rule and I think is one which should always be kept in mind. But it's not just about asking for advice or other aspects of friendship. It can also be applied when seeking confirmation of what you suspect as sometimes knowing is far worse than being in the dark. I have a few really good friends in RL, my best friend is one who I consider to be family and would do anything for. He has been my rock throughout the 21 years I have known him and I try to be there for him also. I have several net friends from various places. Some of whom I have met, some I have talked to by phone, some who I might email and some who have the potential to become good friends.[/COLOR] -
boyzmom said on Jul 02, 2007....
I used to think my sister was a friend but thinking back I can think of many times she wanted me to compromise my standards, she lied to me over and over again, and I used to think I wasn't being a good friend to her but I guess neither of us were being friends. It is through my experiences with my sister that I learned what friendship is though, and now I am trying to be friends with people that I haven't been a good friend to in the past and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I feel like I really flaked out on some people that were trying to be my friend in the past, I think it is a learning experience, being a friend doesn't come naturally to a shy child. -
silverwhisper said on Jul 02, 2007....
hey there, boyzmom! i guess i know how you found this blog entry. :>
and yeah, if you're shy, being a friend can be hard--i know what you mean. i was shy when i was young, too. :>
ed -
Taffy000 said on Dec 10, 2007....
Interesting post. There's a lot to think about. If you live in a rural area there's not that much opportunity to meet "new" friends. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's true. Think if you had 55 people in your graduating class in high school how many of those people could you truly make a connection with? I can honestly say I felt utterly unattractive in school. When I was outside of school I'd have people tell me all the time how beautiful I was. No one in school was able to see that. Only after I got out of school & got a taste of the real world did I appreciate who I am.For some strange reason I've tended to meet people who had one or two deal breakers. I met a friend in community college and as it turns out she smoked pot with her boyfriend. They never did it around me but I can tell you if they would have had pot in the car & we had gotten stopped I may have been in trouble too. The "friendship" just wasn't worth it to me. We lost contact. I think to be a "true friend" people need to be on the same page of life and that's rare. I'd rather be alone or with my husband than to be around other people just so I can say "I'm with other people. I have friends." -
silverwhisper said on Dec 10, 2007....
taffy: frankly, if you live in an area like that and you don't like the people there, moving becomes an especially attractive alternative, if you ask me. are you still living there now?
ed
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