I want to do all these things with my life but for some reason, every time I get close to it, I always convince myself I couldn't possibly do it. Its a waste of time and I'm only kidding myself. God I need to get a grip. Why do I keep dragging myself down? Why am i my own worst enemy?

I'm getting to the point now, since I was diagnosed with depression, that I just wish something awful would happen to me so I wouldn't have to cope with anything. I know its awful and I feel for people and their familys that have had to go through that kind of thing, even I've had to cope with it, maybe thats got a lot to do with me being the way I am. I know there will be a lot of people who read this, if anyone does, that with think I'm a complete idiot and I should get a life. But I've tried. But I am nothing like i wanted to be. I feel weak and feel like people are taking advantage of me. Maybe its part of the paranoia i have. But I don't want to take the tablets. I don't want to walk round in a cloud. If I take the tablets and become someone i'm not then I'm scared people will prefer me on the tablets and if I come off them then i will lose my friends when they realise what i am really like.

I'm such a nut job. But alot of things have happened to me that I have never told anyone. If I do I think they will think I'm exaggerating, making it up, attention seeking. I want to scream from the rooftops and tell the world but I can't and I continue to try and make every fucker else good. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'm sick of people being petty and stupid. I'm sick of people being selfish. i'm sick of people thinking they are great and not understanding why they are hated, even though they talk to others as though they have just wiped them off the soles of their shoes. Why are people soooooo narrow minded?

 

Fucking hell, I've gone on a bit here haven't I! I'll finish now because I do actualy feel a little better. Well I'm feeling a bit scared of my upcoming appointment with my therapist. Apologies, my NEW therapist. The last one could only help me for 6 weeks because he would be leaving and then I would have to explain my whole situation all over again to another stranger. Who wants to do that?

 

But fingers crossed it will be ok (hopefully).