I hurt inside today. Just when I felt like everything was so good, the hurt came back. It's been brewing for a few days too. I could feel it. I've been dancing on the edge for several days now, and today I think the hurt has won out. I've been very strong trying to fight it, but today, I think I've given up. Hopefully not forever though. I hope I'll get myself back out. But right now, I'm in pain.
A couple of days ago I did a meditation before I went to sleep. I'm highly into spiritual things and I've been finding a lot of comfort in that lately. But I did a meditation asking for answers as to who I really am and why I'm here on this earth. And if it worked correctly, the answer would come to me in a dream.
That night, I dreamt that I was an angel. I was in a peaceful place that had no form at all. Nothing but white surrounding me. And when I looked at my body, it wasn't really mine. I was taller and had longer hair and beautiful white wings. I outstretched them and I implored that if anyone needed me, they should just show me. I would take their pain away.
And at that exact moment in the dream, I was woken up when my girlfriend rolled over and put her arms around me. And I realized that my arms were outstretched over the bed, like I had been spreading my wings, welcoming her into me. And I felt so strongly that she heard what I said in the dream. She heard me ask if anyone needed me, and she answered by putting her arms around me.
The entire next day, all I could think about was this possibility that I was some sort of angel in human form. I'm highly emphatic to the point that I absorb every emotion and feeling around me. People gravitate to me to tell me their problems and seek comfort. I readily offer it. I can't stop myself from giving every wayward person all my energy, because I've always felt like it was my duty to do so.
Countless people tell me that there is something special about me and they don't know what it is. I make them feel safe and loved and understood, and all I have to do is be there. No words are even necessary sometimes. Occasionally I get these overwhelming feelings that someone needs me. Like they've called on me somehow. It compels me to contact them when I feel that way. And every single time I've done that, they always say something to the effect of, I was hoping you'd show up. Or I was praying for someone to help me. I even had someone once tell me that they felt God himself had sent me in their direction.
I don't much care if anyone thinks I'm delusional or crazy. Sometimes you just know things in your heart and into the core of your very soul. And I believe that the dream I had was real. I believe that this is what I am inside. I believe that I'm some sort of angel that was sent here to earth to ease the suffering of other people. Not on a grand scale. I'm no martyr. I'm no prophet. I have no real words of advice to make the world better. But the tiny little corner of my world, the people who I meet and who need someone to make them feel better, that's my job. That's why I'm here.
At first, I felt this wonderful sense of peace in knowing that I had a purpose in this life. It wasn't all about me anymore. I was here for other people. To help and to heal their spirits. To take on their pain when they couldn't do it anymore.
But then I started to feel this overwhelming sense of loss. That's when the pain started. I was missing something. And I realized that what I was missing was my home. My real home. Not this earthly place, but the place where my soul actually belonged. I wanted to go home.
Everyone might think of angels as being purity and light and peacefulness. But angels are sad creatures. No one calls on us unless they're desperate and in pain or scared or hopeless. And we take that from them, and keep it for ourselves. That's what I do every day of my life. And most of the friends I make, they come to me in crisis and I make it better. And then they move on, leaving me with their pain. Alone. Abandoned. It happens all the time.
And recently, I've been feeling the loss of several people in my life. People who mattered a great deal to me, yet, for reasons out of my control, they've moved on from me. I'd served my purpose with them, and they all no longer feel a need for my friendship. And it happened all at once. One right after the other. Gone. Just like that. And I knew it was coming too. I sensed it before it happened.
But this is how my life works. People come to me in desperation. And once I've managed to heal them, they float away just as quickly as they came. In my heart, I should be fulfilled in the knowledge that I actually did a good thing. I did the work I was sent here to do. But my human heart breaks easily. Why must everyone leave me when my work is done?
I think that this is why I attract such negativity to my life. Happy, fulfilled, well adjusted people have no need for me. It's the broken ones. The ones who are clinging to their last shred of hope. They seek me out. I don't look for them. They find me. And in the course of helping them and offering my friendship, I get attached. But they don't. They take what they need and then they leave.
This is why it's so difficult for me to open myself up to people sometimes. I have this overwhelming fear that everyone is going to leave me when I've served my purpose. After all, my history proves this to be true. Everyone walks away from me saying I'm a great friend and a wonderful person, yet they never look back. I become a pleasant memory to them, while I'm sitting there feeling the loss of yet another person in my life.
I worry every single day that my girlfriend will be next. I feel in my heart that she's different. She's not using me. She's not broken and desperate. But she was. Once upon a time, before we met, she was. She was sad inside and lost and so very lonely. And then I came along and her world was bright again. She's said more than once that I've saved her and that I came into her life just when she wanted to give up hope.
What if I've done my job again? What if she wakes up one day and realizes that now that she's better, she can move on? My heart tells me that's a lie. Because she loves me. If she leaves, she'll be alone again. And sad. So she won't do it. She says she won't do it. And I am trying so hard to believe her. But I'm scared of it happening anyway.
The only comfort I have in this is that she's just like me. I think I'm not the only angel walking around this earth. I think she's one too. People have called her that. And she has the same history of people coming to her for help and healing, and then flittering away into oblivion once they're better. Everyone leaves her. But I'm not going to be one of them. And I hope she won't be one of the ones who leaves me too.
I've made so many mistakes in this life. I spent a long time medicating myself with drugs and alcohol, to ease the pain and the fear I carried inside of me. And the loneliness. I never felt as if I belonged here in this world. I always knew I was supposed to be someplace else. And when I would take pills, I'd feel heaven. It was like being home again.
When I was high, not only were my emotions buried away, but I could no longer feel anyone else's emotions either. The empathy was gone. I didn't hear anyone asking for help. I was free. And times like this, I'm so tempted to go back. Just a few pills and all this pain will go away. No more loss. No more longing to go home.
I wrote a post before about wanting to dive off a cliff into the ocean. I knew if I did that, my soul would fly upwards before my body even hit the water. I'd be free at last. This body doesn't belong to me anyway. It's borrowed. And sometimes it feels too small and confined. Sometimes I just want out of it.
I know I can't do that though. If I do that, it's just another failure I've made as a person. I'm living two lives. I'm angel struggling to help people and make their lives better. But I'm also a person, and I have my own life, and I need to learn how to make that better for myself. I'm trying.
But the loss....it's just so great sometimes. For once, I'd like to make some ties to this earth and the people on it, so I don't feel such a need to escape this body and go back home. I need someone to keep me here. I need someone to anchor my soul here so it doesn't threaten to fly upwards back where it came from.
I hope I've found that in my girlfriend. I feel like I have. I just have to trust that she won't leave me like the others. But it's so hard. I don't want history to repeat itself again. For once, just once, I want someone to stay with me. I want someone to comfort me. I want someone to take my pain. But in the end, I won't fly away. I'll stay. And together we can help each other. Forever.
That's what I want...I just want a reason to stay.
blackthorn28 posted on Jan 06, 2008
| views: 1298
Comments
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 06, 2008....
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan-
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Carefully said on Jan 06, 2008....
I don't think we rightfully have a choice whether or not to go or stay. It is lonely being in these mortal bodies. You may very well be an angel, sent from God above to help bring peace and serenity to a troubled world. Whether you get interraction from other people in the way you would like, just your being here, could be a stablizing force in the world around you.
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 06, 2008....
Thank you for reading and commenting. Sometimes I feel like I do have a choice whether to stay here or go. But to go is not an option I really want to take. I don't want to leave. Not really. But sometimes I do because it is lonely here. But if I leave this place, I abandon everyone else who needs me. In turn, I do the very thing to them that I feel is always being done to me. I get left behind and forgotten. I don't want to leave others feeling that way. So I stay... -
moonstone said on Jan 06, 2008....
I haven't been to this website in a long time. But today I came here just to read and see if anything caught my interest. This post really moved me. I wish I could think of something good to say, but I can't. I know how you feel though. And I'm still searching for my reasons for being here. I haven't found them yet. I don't really know if I ever will. But I just felt like I wanted to tell you that your words meant something to me. Hang in there..... -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 06, 2008....
Thank you moonstone. I'm honored that you were compelled to comment and tell me that my words meant something. Sometimes even if you find your reasons for being here, it doesn't help the loneliness inside. The longing for something more. In fact, sometimes it makes it even stronger. But I will try and hang in there. Today is just a bad day. -
Mr_Box said on Jan 06, 2008....
It sounds to me as if you already have a reason to stay. This girlfriend of yours needs you. Doesn't she?
You asked in your dream for someone to give you a sign that you were needed here, and she gave you one. It doesn't get much clearer than that.
You go back home, you leave her. And then what will she have?
Maybe other people use you for comfort and simply say goodbye when the pain is gone. But I don't think she will. That's not why she sought you out.
She wasn't looking for a pain reliever. She was looking for a life partner. And I know your life was meant to be longer than this.
Don't give up, Mr. Thorn. Life is hard. But you just keep living it. And someday you'll be back home. Don't rush it.
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 06, 2008....
I suppose you are right. I have to stay here for her. At least as long as she needs me, but after that, I'm not sure what's next. I wish I felt clear headed enough to really believe what you said there. But right now, I'm just confused. Hopefully I'll come back to this later and it'll feel more true to me. Thanks for commenting. -
gingersoul said on Jan 06, 2008....
Blackthorn.......this is the most touching post i have read here lately....
Can i tell you that I think its wrong to believe we are all for another one and our destiny in life is definetely to fullfill their destiny?
We can be a whole and all only for ourself.
We give love, we give more love than we have been asked and we can humanly give. We keep giving. Like there is not tomorrow. Like if we can take in all the pain of any person who asks for us to lead them.
And yet we end up alone. And yet, yes, there is a possibility that you too will end up alone. That you lover will find her strenght in herself and leave you.
"What next?" you ask......Next is something we dont know.
Next is a place we have to arrive yet.
So why wasting time in asking about it?
Next is always a moment in life when we will be already different from the person who right now asks "What next?".
I wish you can feel comfort in these words...i wish you could simply savor the love she is giving you today, rigth now, even when she is sleeping...
It will be over one day. It might, but it might not. You are so full of love. Try to direct this love toward yourself.....love yourself.....be your own angel....
But who am I?
I dont believe in angels....but i do believe in your pain and your honesty.
I wish you peace. As you said.......today was just a bad day...{hug}
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blackthorn28 said on Jan 06, 2008....
Thank you for saying this post touched you. This is my heart and soul right here. This is what's inside me. And I know that perhaps I shouldn't always be so consumed with wondering what's next. I should just live. But I just don't know how. I'm always worrying about what comes next. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just exist day to day, like most of the world. I do need to be my own angel, but I find that I care so much more about everyone else than I do about myself. I feel unworthy of accepting love from anyone, especially from myself. You don't have to believe in angels. But if you ever change your mind I bet one of them will hear you.... -
StormyMoods said on Jan 07, 2008....
Hi Blackthorn28,
I feel very much for you and for what you're saying. I think that the other people who responded are right, especially Mr. Box. Time is too short, and we never know what tommorrow will bring when we wake up. I think many of us struggle with the question of "Why Am I Here"? ....... I also don't think we ever find out all the answers, but if we're listening, we will find out what we NEED to know. ..... There's been many a time when I came much too close to not being here because of the pain, depression, questions that seemed to go unanswered, and some real F-cked-up circumstances that I didn't see any other way out of. ..... I'm grateful I'm still here, but still it is a struggle. And its lonley. But not always, and its those times that it isn't that helps to keep going. I know some of the reasons I'm here, but nowhere near most or all. ..... And like you, I too have had the people problem of leaving when the going got rough. ..... No doubt that hurts like hell. I always felt and still do that it's my fault. .... But how can everything be ones fault ? ...... You know, I hope those you've helped that left, went on to other places where just maybe they remember once in awhile what you gave to them, and do the same for others. ..... And who knows, you never know if one of them might drop by some time. ..... Life is funny like that. ... Your girlfriend sounds like a beautiful person. So let her take some of your burden. After all, if you're sharing your hearts, minds and lives, you must share the hardest parts as well as the best of times, and everything in between. She might just be waiting for you to do just that. After all, we're all only human.
........ Peace, -- StormyMoods
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Mamie said on Jan 07, 2008....
hi, that God put you here for now is reason enough to stay. Sometimes I read your words and they seem so light...other times they dip into such weightiness that they are heavy.
Not deep, heavy. stop that! That is not your true nature.Your whole life is about the interaction between you and God. Period. I do think you are an angel of the Lord...but then again angels are not sad. They have only to take one look at the glory of God and never again wonder about love and peace the way that we do....so sad angel, shall you peel back the layers and uncover your joy?If you focus enough on your girlfriend or anyone leaving that is exactly what she or they will do...because it is where you are focused. Change your mind, change your experience. If you want to stop the abandonment in your life, stop abandoning your own self and then no one else will leave either. I won't leave you either, you are completely interesting!! nice to meet you! mamie -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 07, 2008....
Stormy, thank you for what you said. I do feel that somehow it is my fault when people leave. And I suppose that in certain circumstances, it really is my fault. I do push people away. Sometimes I do it on purpose, and sometimes I don't seem to realize I'm doing it. But with these friends I have, it's different. I give them all of me, and they take it, and then they move on. And when that happens, it makes me want to push the people who stay, away from me too. So I won't get hurt again. I'm trying to get better....
Mamie, I know that what you said is probably true. If I believe she'll leave me, I'll make it happen. In fact, I know this is true. Because when I start living like she's going to leave, I screw everything up. I do stupid things that practically force her away from me. And it's just going to cause what I fear most, to actually happen. How is it that I can KNOW that, and still not be able to stop myself? I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be the person who writes light words....not heavy ones...
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Mamie said on Jan 07, 2008....
go to the library and check out the book called Ask and it is Given, by Abraham-Hicks. It addresses this wanting vs the lack of and how we confuse ourselves by focusing on the lack of, vs the want of....make sense? -
blackthorn28 said on Jan 08, 2008....
Thanks Mamie. I'll have to see what that book is about. I appreciate the help. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Feb 18, 2008....
I don't feel the need to leave, and I certainly don't think I'm an angel in any sense of the word, but I still related to a lot of this post. Those wings could get awfully heavy under the weight of everyone else's pain.
I don't think your girlfriend is going to leave, and I hope you don't think that way now either (this post is a bit old, but not much was happening tonight so I went through some of my more recent "Infernal reads" people to see if I missed interesting posts, and I had!). I do know the awful sense of people leaving once you've done what you can for them, though.
It's kind of like if you could tend to wounded butterflies. It's great to see them whole again, but very sad to watch them fly away. Not everyone is a butterfly though -- some people are in our lives for keeps. :)
~Infernal
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blackthorn28 said on Feb 18, 2008....
Infernal, I do feel much more secure these days in regards to my girlfriend. She's my saving grace. But it's still scary sometimes to think of the possibility of losing her. I try not to. I just try to love her as much as I can and show her that she's needed and wanted with me forever. I liked your butterfly analogy. It is sad to watch them fly away, but the ones who stick around are so beautiful to look at. Thank you for being my friend. -
xamount said on Mar 13, 2008....
i know this feeling. well. quite well. i'm not normal either. i feel people's emotions as strongly as they do. you're writing my story. what you are writing, i've felt. i know that i don't belong here either. in 29 years, the only thing i'm sure of is that i don't belong here. my life was meant for something else. someone else, somewhere else.i won't ever leave. even when i'm silent, i'm still here.~*~ x ~*~
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