Yesterday I went to the funeral for my friend. I really hate funerals. Obviously the reason for needing one in the first place is the biggest problem. But it's also because it's just so much grief in one place that it becomes draining. But I wanted to be there to say goodbye. That's the whole point of a funeral. You want to say goodbye and remember their life, and then you need to let go a little.
Of course, that's easier said than done. Especially for her family. But I guess the funeral does offer a sense of closure at least. It was a really nice service. And I admit that I was moved to tears a few times. But while the pastor was saying all these really sad things about grief and death and crying, I was totally stoic. But as soon as one of her long time friends got up and spoke, and wanted to talk about the happy times, that's what made me cry.
I think it's because that's what everyone is going to miss. The happiness. And the fact that she won't be able to make us laugh anymore. And there are all these little reminders around to make me think of her sense of humor. Like the picture of David Caruso she taped up inside the cabinet in the break room. She knows I hate that guy and she thought it would be hilarious to put his picture where I get my snacks.
So I drew a little leprechaun hat on his head and the caption, "who stole me Lucky Charms?" because to me he looks like a leprechaun. I remember how much she laughed over that. And now I never want to take the stupid picture down. How could a picture of an actor I can't even stand, actually mean that much to me now? It's weird how that happens.
But I was glad when the funeral was over, because at least I know she's been laid to rest. It seemed forever between the time she died and when the funeral actually was. And thankfully, the casket was not open. I don't like that. I know some people want to see the body so they can say goodbye. But I don't. To me, it's just creepy and disturbing.
Their souls are gone, so all you're looking at is the shell. The thing that made them who they were is gone already. And I don't want to see the empty shell. But that's just me. Other people might not believe they're really in the box if they don't see it for themselves. But I'll just trust them.
Someone actually asked me if I thought her husband let their girls see the body. What a strange question to me. I had no idea. But if it was me, I wouldn't want them to see her like that. I wouldn't want their last memory of her to be this shell lying in a box. I'd want them to remember her alive. But again, that's just me. I guess everyone does things differently.
But I was relieved that the casket was closed. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, but it had been a week and a half since she died. I think it's best that it was closed. I really hope I don't have to go to another funeral again for a very long time. I couldn't go to the burial service. It was across town and I was already drained and sad and I just wanted to go home. But I know where she is, and I plan to go see her grave on my own. I'm sure she understood.
So yeah, that was how I spent my day yesterday. Saying goodbye. And now life has to go on. Like for instance, she needs to be replaced at work. Believe me, it's a task I'm not looking forward to. I want to keep putting it off, but I can't. It's still a business. But I'm going to have a hard time seeing someone else sitting at her desk. Her husband took all of her things away, except one picture we asked to keep. And he left the squirrel. He said that was for us to enjoy. And I know we will because I bet she'll be watching to see what sort of outfit the squirrel wears next....
-evil_twin LA
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evil_twin posted on Jan 03, 2008
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nursecutie said on Jan 03, 2008....
{{{hugs}}}
I know yesterday was very rough for you. Funerals are always sad.....but they are also good too because they are supposed to be a celebration of their life. But I hope that neither of us have to go to any more funerals.....not for a long long while!
The best thing to do is remember her and laugh.....because she can still make you laugh with the memories.
Replacing her will be hard.....that's the worst part. But she knows it's not really a 'replacement' because there is no such thing. It is just like you said, a business....and now someone else will do her job in a new way. It'll be ok, honey :)
xxoo natalie xxoo
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GracefullyGrowing said on Jan 03, 2008....
{{{{ ET }}}}~Grace~ -
the_infernal_optimist said on Jan 03, 2008....
I hate funerals, too. It's so hard to make it official that they're gone, and to hear people remembering good times and to realize that they're memories at best, not potential future times with the person at the center of them.
I'm a closed-casket person, too. I don't need to see the people I care about like that. I'd rather picture them as I loved them in life, vibrant and wonderful.
The squirrel is a great way to keep remembering her in ways that make people happy, just as she made people happy.
((hugs))
~Infernal
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minniemouse said on Jan 03, 2008....
{{{{hugs}}}} I don't like viewings and funerals either....open casket is just creepy...I would rather see a large picture...of the person laughing...having fun....
Don't think of it as a replacement, think of it like you a filling a new position. Can you change the title of the job? The desk area where this new position will be? It might make it easier if you change things a little and "make it new"....just a thought....
Good luck Kyle....it will be hard, but I know you can do it! :-) Minnie
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evil_twin said on Jan 03, 2008....
cutie--You're right I guess. She can still make us laugh as long we remember the fun times....thank you for helping me through this. You've been really awesome. And I hope we never have to go to another funeral too.
grace--Thanks :-)
infernal--Thanks :-) I agree that I'd rather picture them vibrant and alive. I've have to put a few of my cats to sleep over the years, and I never could be in the room when they did it. It was for the same reason. I couldn't see my beloved pet without life inside them. And I certainly couldn't see a person I cared about that way either.
minnie--Thank you :-) It is creepy to have an open casket. They actually had a big photo collage of pictures throughout her life. It was really nice. And unfortunately there's only one desk area because it's a reception desk by the lobby. But I suppose if someone new puts their own pictures up and decorations, eventually it'll feel like a new space....
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wombat said on Jan 03, 2008....
I think maybe that her spirit will always be there to make you all smile. I know, because we still speak of a dear one as if they were here--telling jokes, telling stories of him that we remember, and we spend more time smiling about him than in sadness. He would have wanted it that way. -
tbs230 said on Jan 03, 2008....
{{{{Kyle}}}}
I don't know what else to say. I hate death and the thought of losing the special people in my life, but I'm not afraid of it...does that make sense?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know they are fine, and in a better place...but damn is it hard to let them go.
And please, do go see her, that's something that after 12 years...I still haven't done, and the cemetery is right down the block. Now it just feels so late...
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circusdoll said on Jan 03, 2008....
I'd like to say something comforting, but comfort from a stranger is a cold comfort, yes? And I suck at that sort of thing, besides. So, I'll just leave it at this:
You'd best get on with finding something amazing to put that squirrel in! Your friend sounds as if she'll be well pissed if anyone so dares as to let its furry little fashion go out of season. X3 -
husbandhater said on Jan 03, 2008....
(((((Sorry Evil)))))))))))) I remember reading about the lady from your job. You seemed so heart broken. How are her girls? I hope you feel better soon. -
phoeby said on Jan 04, 2008....
I'm so sorry about all this, Kyle. Not a nice way to spend your time yesterday. I felt a twinge of sorrow when you spoke about the squirrel. and how her hubby said you guys could keep it. :(she sounded like a really fun and happy lady. A great person to have greeting people as they walk in.Hope you're feeling better today than you probably did yesterday.Phoeby -
Mamie said on Jan 04, 2008....
ouch...me too...although, at my SIL funeral, back when my niece was 7 years old, she taught me a thing or two. Just us, the fam, said goodbye with the casket open. It was scary...I huddled close to my niece and then she did the most amazing thing...she reached over and laid her hands on top of her mothers...and she turned to me and said, "mommy's not here anymore. Her hands are cold, that is not her." I was amazed and I put my hands on hers and my SIL's and I told her..."no she is not here but her soul still lives..and she still loves you so much."Then Kayla said: "they didn't do her hair right." And she giggled. (I was in awe) and so I said "well, look she would never wear that much mascara...and Lordy, look at that shade of lipstick!" Kayla said: "I think she is in heaven now so we don't have to worry"... and we said goodbye to her physical body and walked away so that the rest of the fam could say their goodbyes.It was a miracle moment. -
evil_twin said on Jan 04, 2008....
wombat--Thank you. I think her spirit will always be with us too. And I know she'd want us to remember her and laugh, rather than cry.
tbs--I agree, she's in a better place. She's safe and I know she's okay, even if she might miss the ones she had to leave. But I know she's still with us. It's just so hard to be one of the people left behind. I will go visit her grave though. I know she's not really there, but it's the closest you can get. Thank you.
circusdoll--I appreciate what you said and it does mean something, even coming from a stranger. So thank you. I know she'll get a kick out of the squirrel fashions, wherever she is!
HH--Thank you. Her girls seem to be doing okay. As well as to be expected. Her oldest is having a much harder time. The littlest one is still really comprehending it, I don't think...
phoeby--She was a great person. There aren't too many people who are truly happy and cheerful all the time, but she was. She will definitely be missed. The squirrel thing was strangely sad, wasn't it? But I do feel better now. Thank you.
mamie--That's a good story. And I'm glad that seeing your SIL was something that helped both of you. I guess sometimes kids can surprise you. Maybe I'm just a wimp because I can't handle seeing bodies? But it's wonderful when seeing it actually gives a person a good sense of closure.
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fearing said on Jan 04, 2008....
E_T, It is good that you went to the funeral. You can start to gain some closure now. I know it is going to be tough because she was your friend and you worked with her. You'll miss her no matter where you are - home or work. I'm really sorry about that. Think of all the laughs you had together. Good memories my friend. -
queenparanoia said on Jan 04, 2008....
eviltwin: {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} i'm sure she's in heaven right now smiling at you.. and i know she'll be happy since you made this post for her... she'll be on my prayers kyle... -
CreativeWoman said on Jan 04, 2008....
I'm so sorry about your friend, Kyle. Funerals are always hard for me too. I understand about the picture in your break room. Little things like that can really become precious. As hard as it was for you to go to the service, I'm sure her family found comfort in you being there.
CW
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uniquely-ironic said on Jan 04, 2008....
I hate going to funerals too. That was one of the motivating factors for me -
silverwhisper said on Jan 04, 2008....
kyle, i don't know what to say, i'm afraid. but yes, i agree a funeral is for closure, for the living.
[claps kyle on the back]
ed -
wakingharmony said on Jan 04, 2008....
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kyle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You have a great heart! and a brain to go with it how`lucky is Nurse and visa Versa! -
Sandman said on Jan 04, 2008....
Hello Kyle :: I have read many of your posts but this was very
moving . Funerals are always difficult but when needed i like the
short ones . Went to one about 10 yrs ago where the family had
3 days of viewing . OMG TOOOOOOOO Much ! Was so
depressing . Sorry for your loss but as others have said -- remember
the laughs and good times and she will live on in your heart !
Sand
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Alyss said on Jan 04, 2008....
My condolences.
I have never attended a funeral with a viewing, I suppose it's not the custom here. When my Dad passed away I had the chance to 'visit' him which he was at the funeral home but I chose not to. I'd seen him immediately after his death and that was enough for me. -
evil_twin said on Jan 04, 2008....
fearing--Thanks. It will be hard, but I'm sure we'll all get through it as long as we keep our memories.
queen--Thank you for giving her prayers. I hope she's smiling down on us now :-)
CW--It is the little things that can really remind you of someone, isn't it? Thank you.
uniquely--I guess no one really likes them, do they?
silver--Thanks. There isn't much a person can say I guess, but thank you for saying something. That's enough :-)
waking--Thank you :-)
sandman--I think 3 days of viewing is way too much too. This was supposed to be an entire afternoon of grieving. A memorial, a burial and a reception. I planned to do it all, but after the memorial, I was ready to go home. It was just too much sadness and I didn't want to keep thinking about it. She will live on in my heart...thank you.
alyss--Thank you for the condolences. Around here, it seems like a mixture of traditions as far as the viewings go. Some people do, some don't. But I've never been to a funeral that was open casket. I have seen a dead person though and it still bothers me 22 years later.
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Alyss said on Jan 04, 2008....
I have seen dead bodies. My Grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep, a poor unfortunate who had died over night outside where I worked at the time and another which causes to many unpleasant memories to surface to talk about. =( -
travelr712 said on Jan 04, 2008....
it's done now kyle, you can put it to rest. you'll always remember her, yes, and now that's where she can live for you. in your memory.can i make a suggestion? you might be tempted to find someone who was just like her to replace her. you won't. the closer you get, the more you'll be disappointed. and the person who comes next will have some pretty big shoes to fill. you might want to think about going through a temp agency. if you didn't alreayd know about this, you pay a bit more for the first however long, 90 days, whatever, but it'll give you a good way to find out if the next person fits in without the liability of having to let someone go if they don't. you just tell the temp agency that they're not working out and to send you someone else, and they do, no questions asked. it might make that transition a little easier if you let an agency do the leg work for you. just a thought -
botoni said on Jan 04, 2008....
Kyle....I m sorry about your friend. Losing someone special hurts. Good for you that you went to the funeral. The closure it brings does help with moving on. Seeing others in grief and hearing their stories of love and laughter are very beneficial to healing. As to open caskets, some would say that seeing the body lifeless helps with accepting the reality. I think an opportunity for viewing, perhaps the evening before, gives those who wish their chance to see and those who dont are protected from it. Open caskets at funerals are just plain awful in my opinion. -
Mr_Box said on Jan 04, 2008....
Funerals are pretty tough to handle. I think everyone wishes they never had to go to one.
I'm sorry about your friend. She seemed like a really nice person from what I knew. And from hearing about her from you.
I don't think the casket should ever be open at a funeral.
Like Mr. Botoni said above me, if someone wants to see the body, it should be a private matter beforehand. Not at the funeral itself. JMHO.
I'm glad you didn't have to see that because I know how much it bothers you. You just keep remembering her the way she was.
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Eilan said on Jan 04, 2008....
I'm really sorry about your friend.
A few years ago, one of my mom's co-workers came to work and committed suicide on a weekend. The whole department was in shock for months.
Back in the 60's, there was a small airport in a field across the road from my grandparents' house. One afternoon, my grandma witnessed a plane crash. Seeing the crash happen was traumatic enough, but it turned out that the pilot was a family friend. His family insisted on an open-casket visitation and funeral, and it was anything but pretty. My grandma had nightmares for months.
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Jenna said on Jan 04, 2008....
Kyle....I am sorry for your loss..and yes funerals are difficult....but I like them. Now that sounds strange...but what I mean by that is I need the funeral. I love seeing a life celebrated...memorialized. Yes, I cry my eyes out the entire time....but at a funeral, I feel such a close bond to all of those around me. We are all there for the same purpose...to say good bye and celebrate the life of a loved one. I always walk away from a funeral deep in thought.....I feel such a warmth for the person who has passed and I think how can I make sure that my life has purpose. Call me strange but I need the funeral. (But I too am not a fan of open caskets. I always bypass that part....just not something I need to see...I want to remember them as I knew them living.)
I know it will be difficult for you to see her replaced....but life goes on...it sucks sometimes but we have to go on with it. I wish you strength and hope your heart finds peace as you let your friend go.
And Kyle...the squirrels outfit will have such a new meaning now won't it?
(((hugs)))
Jen
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evil_twin said on Jan 04, 2008....
alyss--I'm sorry you've seen so much death before. It's tough to witness that....
trav--Actually we did plan to call in a temp next week. With the holidays and short work weeks, we've just made due without someone at her desk, and we've taken turns answering the phones. But now we need to get someone in there. But thanks for the advice.
botoni--Thank you. I guess I do see how visualizing the body gives some people a sense of finality. But I think I'm okay with just knowing. It is hard to lose someone though.
Mr. Box--Thanks for being there for me. I do think it's a personal decision about the viewing too. It's better to have it private.
eilan--Those are both horrible stories. Wow. I can't imagine them having an open casket with a plane crash victim. That's just wrong. Thank you for the sympathy :-)
jenna--I guess I see how you could like a funeral. I think it is an important part of the grieving process. But it's just so sad to see so many people that upset. But it does bring you together. Thank you so much for your words. And yes, the squirrel is really special now!
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allswell said on Jan 04, 2008....
Oh {{{hugs Kyle}}} Things like this is so hard! But yes at least the funeral is over and does help to say good bye...even though you'll never forget her, she can live in you and others with her good memory!alls:) -
Tara115 said on Jan 05, 2008....
AWWW Kyle, I am just getting caught up on some of your posts. I am so sorry about your friend, That is awful, and oh my goodness the poor family!! My condolences are with you ~!! -
hotaka said on Jan 10, 2008....
I have never been to a funeral and no one close to me has ever died (grandparents, yes, all four, but they were in Denmark and I only met most of them once or twice in my life). However, reading your description made me think that I would probably feel as you did. I'd like to make a speech about the person because I would want to say lots of fun things and great things about that person. I'd want everyone not to focus on that person's departure but rather the good times and cheer that person brought us. There was a Billy Crystal movie about a comedian growing old and he had to make a speech at his mother's funeral. It was funny and heart warming. I would hope to be able to make the same kind of speech.
But I have never been to a funeral so I don't know.
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