The Foundation of Relationship – Respecting the Other
It is probably true to say that if there is no mutual respect in a relationship there is no relationship. If respect is absent it usually means that at best a subtle animosity is present or at worst, hatred prevails. Or is there a neutral position in which there is neither respect nor disrespect. Unlikely, as our respect for others is directly connected to our respect for ourselves, and seldom are we neutral about ourselves.
Without doubt the
foundation of relationship is respect. But what does it mean to
respect someone? Is respect a given or something that has to be
earned? Can someone lose your respect, and if so what do they have
to do to make you withdraw your respect? It is not an exchangeable
‘item’ though we often talk as if it is, “I gave him a lot of
respect and he gave me respect back”. Throughout history respect
has become embodied in many symbolic forms. In some cultures
we are taught to symbolise our respect with a gift given as soon as we
meet. In other cultures it’s customary to bow, or to salute
if you’re in the military, or if you are a child then to listen
attentively to the all knowing font of wisdom that is the parent is the
respectful thing to do! We start a letter with ‘dear’, a mark of
respect. And in some countries titles are bestowed on those
perceived to be worthy of an even greater respect.
Unfortunately many of
us learn the wrong lessons about respect in our school playground.
Whether we were being bullied or the one doing the bullying, there were
moments when we perversely learned that respect equals fear. To
fear the bully was to respect the bully, and to bully others was to get
respect. So fear was confused with respect and it is a ‘confusion’
that can easily stay with us for a lifetime thereby ‘stunting’ our
ability to give real respect, and killing out ability to receive respect
from others and to reciprocate appropriately. Unlearning the idea
that fear equals respect therefore becomes slightly important if we are
to build ‘real’ open and loving relationships others.
So what is respect
exactly? Why is it such an integral part of all our lives?
Respect is a verb more than it is a noun. It is something you do more than something you may receive. In the simple terms, respect is to affirm the goodness and worth of the other. It is to esteem or to acknowledge the value of some quality or ability that the other possesses. Prior to any visible demonstration, respect is how we hold someone within the ‘light of our consciousness’. It is how we create ‘the other’ within our self. Our respect will be defined by the quality of the light with which we surround the other in our mind, long before words and behaviors will visibly express it.
It is probably also true say that, in (very) general terms, in many (if not most) societies, we are witnessing the disappearance of respect. Each week seems to bring more stories of animosity and conflict between couples, family members, neighbors, work colleagues, politicians and nation states. Disrespectful behaviour has almost become the norm in some communities, in some schools and in some institutions. But why do we stop respecting someone. Why is that we seem to lose our ability to give respect to another? Why do we create the other in such a negative light within ourselves?
In any relationship where respect is not appearing or has disappeared altogether, it usually means a negative judgment has taken its place. The moment we generate a negative judgment about the other person, we create that person in a negative light within our consciousness. In that light it becomes impossible to see and affirm their innate worth and goodness. Not only do we lose sight of the inherent dignity and worth of another, our withdrawal of respect, and its replacement with animosity, simply means that we have decided that ‘they’ are not saying, doing or being exactly what we want them to say, do or be! And we are taking it personally. Sometimes it doesn’t need to be personal. We may hear a story of another’s ‘apparent’ misdemeanors and we use that story to judge and condemn, often before we have even met them. The moment we use prescriptive language either in our thoughts or in our words towards another, it is another sign that means we are not accepting them as they are and that means we are not respecting them. Accepting others as we find them is a necessary pre-requisite to the ability to give respect, to be respect full.
When the teenager awakens to their independence, starts to answer back and do increasingly individualistic and unconventional things, the objecting, judgmental and indignant parents are no longer ‘getting their way’. They start to lose the control that they didn’t have in the first place. So they begin to cast a negative light around their child and may begin to withdraw their respect. They may even reach a point when they say, “We love him but we don’t respect him”. Which of course is impossible. If there is no respect there can be no love. The employee makes a couple of mistakes and the manager, afraid that it may reflect on him or her, starts to blame the employee and, as they do, they are withdrawing their respect from the relationship, therefore sabotaging the relationship, believing that it is the employee that is to blame when the relationship descends into conflict.
The moment we create a negative judgment towards anyone we kill our ability to respect them. The moment we blame, complain or criticize another it is a sign we have withdrawn our respect. It means we are no longer seeing and affirming their goodness and worth, we no longer esteem them as a person. Unfortunately this is the culture and ethos created by our entertainment industries. The underlying message of many movies and animated games is ‘they’ are not worthy of respect, ‘they’ have wronged me so revenge is necessary, ‘they’ are behaving badly so punishment is essential, ‘they’ need to fear me more so that they will respect me more. In one recent national newspaper front page, a well known singer suffering from a drug addiction was headlined as ‘worthy of our scorn’. In some ways it seems to encapsulate a recent trend in our world where we look first for the slightest misdemeanor within the others life in order to justify our withdrawal of respect for them. Once upon a time being respectful seemed to be an innately natural ability that we all possessed. Increasingly it can seem like respecting others is becoming more like ‘hard work’, and in many ways just not the thing to do! When respect ceases to be the ‘done thing’ in any society or community then the destination of that society does not look good.
And that is probably why it’s always refreshing and uplifting to meet someone who never loses their respect for others. Regardless of the past actions of the other or the history of the relationship, it’s as if it doesn’t matter what the other person says or does, they never lose respect for that person. They can still see the inherent good, the worthiness of the individual, regardless of any mistakes made or even crimes committed. They can even see beyond what seem to be negative personality traits to a place within the other that is prior to personality and is without any distortion. They remind us that not only is it possible to separate the person from their behaviour i.e. ‘what they are’ from ‘what they do’, but that the consistent maintenance of respect can empower the other to change their ways. There are now numerous examples of hardened criminals reforming their violent and disrespectful behaviors after spending time with someone who has shown them unconditional regard. Antisocial children respond in the same way in the company of a good mentor that gives them complete and consistent respect. In one particular penitentiary (Dade Co, Miami), over ten years ago, the break out rate, levels of conflict and drug abuse were the highest of all penitentiaries in the US. In came a new Governor who sent all prison staff on ‘customer service’ training. When they returned they started to treat the prisoners as if they were customers. Two years later the penitentiary had the lowest break out, lowest conflict levels and drug abuse rates. All down to one idea, one word, one change in attitude. Respect. Instead of seeing the prisoners in a negative light based on their histories, they began to respect the innate dignity and worth of the human being.
In such examples it becomes clear that the power of respect to positively influence others is at best underrated and at worst unrecognized. Next week we discover why that might be so, as we look at the source of our respect for others, namely our self respect.
Question: Who is the person in your life you currently find the hardest to respect?
Reflection: What is the exact nature of the judgment/criticism that you are ‘creating’ around them?
Action: Separate the person from their behavior and practice seeing the innate goodness within them. When you meet them consciously demonstrate your respect for them. Watch the effect it has on you and on the relationship.
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