If there’s one thing I learned about forming relationships, it’s that some can be very fruitful, while some others I’d rather do without.

Every relationship I’ve formed has a ripple effect in my life; for some reason, it affects the way I think, feel and cope throughout the day.

The one thing that really bothers me is that I’ve been wearing a mask, a lot of different masks to be precise; and I’m finding it hard to tell people this is the way I really feel because for some impertinent reason, they don’t believe the truth when it’s staring at them in the face.  So I find myself disappointed, hurt and confused.  The very reason why I’m typing this is because I just walked out on them having a good time.

I have begun to doubt the things that I once so fervently believed, and now I’m a broken shattered man.  I can’t find my center, trying to balance on a log at a raging river.  I really thought that I had shown people the real me, but it turns out I’ve compromised myself for the sake of getting along with people.  The people I spend my time with, are not bad people at all; they’re actually quite nice.  The only thing that’s stopping me from finding a new set of friends is the fear of not being able to find people who can really understand me, and I feel that I am partly to blame for them not understanding me.

People often can’t connect with me because of the way I think.  They usually say “nosebleed” – a local term that means the person saying it doesn’t understand, like what I just said was way above their level of thinking.  Should it be my fault that I’m an active thinker, filled with ideas?

When I do try to level with them, I find myself thinking, “this isn’t me at all”, and I usually just end up getting hurt because they get too comfortable.  Is this even rational or am I just having pride issues? 

What do you think?