If you take the Chinese character for happiness and double it, what do you get? Double Happiness, of course, the wonderfully optimistic idea the Chinese associate with marriage. In China today, however, the practical reality seems to have a hard time living up to this romanticized ideal. Chinese women have told me that prior to marriage their men treat them like princesses, only to treat them like slaves afterwards. The number of divorces, especially in developing cities like Shanghai, is increasing rapidly and one recent China Daily article spoke of how the one or two month marriages are becoming common, younger people lacking the patience and commitment to last any longer.
That's the situation for marriages between the Chinese. What about those between foreigners and Chinese? Double Trouble would be a more appropriate way to describe it: all the predictable problems of two individuals trying to live together, plus the tortuous subtleties of navigating cultural disparities aggravating everything else. Honestly, you need to be more than doubly optimistic to try it.
Being doubly ignorant probably helped me on my unsuspecting way, too. Looking back now, I'm amazed that I managed to carry the deal off. When I met my wife-to-be, I was well into middle-age and she was in her mid-thirties, so we started off at least with a good pool of experience. But after we began seeing each other and vaguely started talking of a potentially serious relationship, I was faced with the realization that Chinese families really are close-knit, supportive groups. Of the two sisters I had to contend with, the younger baldly stated that she "didn't like foreigners", and the older said that if her little sister married me, "people would laugh" because I looked like "a poor person".
"Don't listen to them!" was my brilliant riposte to this nonsense. To my surprise, Chen Fang took my advice - though not without due consideration. A few fine restaurant dinners later, the two sisters grudgingly came around, admitting that at least I was "patient" and not too mean.
Of course, there were obvious cultural differences from the very beginning. For me, one of the most annoying things about Chen Fang was her habit of littering - throwing rubbish away anywhere. I found this unacceptable and after a while, she gamely accepted my view on this. The most important example of the differences we encountered before marriage happens to be a real classic. We went out to dinner with the friend who had first introduced us and her young son. Because we were then unmistakably a couple, I assumed that "we" were taking the friend to dinner. So when the bill came and Chen Fang reached for her purse, I followed suit with my wallet and insisted on chipping in - in proper Western democratic style. Until that moment the evening had been great. After paying the bill, though, it was anything but. Chen Fang didn't look at me and her friend was laughing and smiling too much. I couldn't figure it out …

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