I’ve spent my whole day in bed. I’m not deathly ill. I’m not cold. I’m not punished. I’m not sad, even. I am hiding. I’m hiding from everything outside of my poster-laden walls. I’ve spent my day with Darth Vader, The Shins, and Zeppelin staring at me, and my iPod keeping me sane. They make for better company that anyone I know lately.

I’m usually quite the social queen. So what would make me want to spend my day hidden out? What on earth could possibly make an 18-year-old girl who has the world handed to her want to hide?!  The answer to that…the one thing I have to work for. The one thing I am desperate for.  I’m desperately in love. How cliché, right? Go figure.  I have dug my own grave. I’m too selfish to love anyone other than myself, but this one guy, he’s got me. I just pray he’s sincere when he told me he loved me.

Who the hell in their right mind tells you that they love you, only to the next day act like they don’t know you? As much as this hurts, I feel like I’m getting what I deserve. I just wish I didn’t fall so hard for this guy. I wish I wasn’t going into things with a blindfold on. That’s all the past year has been with him. I took a dive in, figured it would be like it is with every other guy. Meaningless sex. That wasn’t the case. Even in the beginning I had such strong feelings for him. I don’t believe how anyone could say love at first sight doesn’t exist. I remember it like a movie. Slow motion, blurry camera tricks, perfect lighting. I swear, the world could have been coming down around me and I wouldn’t have noticed. How could I be in love? It’s so scary.

This, coming from a girl who didn’t much believe in love as much as she did in lust. But this wasn’t lust. Hell, I want him in my bed right now, hot and sweaty, our breathing heavy, but that’s not all I’m talking about. I just want to be near him, to speak to him, to whisper, “I love you” in his ear and smooth my lips down his neck. I want him, in every way possible.  My body yearns for him. My heart jumps just thinking about him. I would do anything to be in his arms right now, to feel his breath on my body right now.

If only I was his first priority. A year and counting of being in love with him. I don't want to be his secret anymore. I don't want to have to wait for him anymore. I want him bad.