It's always hard to know what to write about on a first post to anything. This is my second blog (the first one lasted a whole two posts before I feared I had nothing to say and no way to say it, but I could say it in three languages...) but I intend to participate more in this blogging experience. I intend to participate more in my life as well, which is part of what brought me here.

I feel isolated. I'm not really, but I feel that way. Do you ever look at your friends and conclude that there are really only a couple of them that you genuinely like, and those are the ones you hardly ever see? I wonder how much of that has to do with my laziness about meeting new people, and how much of it has to do with my own dissatisfaction with myself, which somehow gets projected onto my mostly innocent friends. I'm sure it also has much to do with my as yet unresolved issues, such as my eating disorder and my relatively new kids that aren't actually mine, of which their mother takes every opportunity to remind me.

It's also a good thing for me to have an anonymous place to vent. I think it might just keep me in the "sane" column, but who can say. I have a lot of stress in my life, and much of it has been caused by me not recognizing and dealing with my emotions in a constructive way. I just started seeing a therapist so that I can learn how to do that. I think I've been in denial of my own particular brand of fuckedupness for years, and my aversion to therapists (thanks for forcing me to go to one I hated, dad...) made it easy for me to procrastinate. The fact is, I'm now responsible for two small people, and everything I say, everything I do, and everything I am affects them. I don't want them to grow up in the same kind of environment that I did. I don't want to pass on my issues to them. They deserve a chance to grow up in a safe, loving home with parents that allow them to be themselves and to make their own choices.

Anyway, in this particular blog, I'll probably ramble on about a lot of things, including politics, eating disorders, parenting, books, music, and so on. If you like (or don't like) my ramblings, please feel free to comment. I don't really expect comments, as this is mostly a therapeutic thing for me, but either way is fine. I'll do my best to make my presence known and my voice heard, as that's all I can expect of myself for now.