a close friend of mine is going through a really rough time.
he has the same autistic disorder as my ex, and is trying to establish some of the same patterns with me that my ex did.
i am not allowing that to happen, and it is causing some friction in our friendship. the friendship may now be over.
he has been having issues at work for the past year.....and about 4 months ago was put on medical leave........his coworkers were complaining.
i've tried to be very supportive through his depression resulting from being put on leave from work. he's been hitting himself, and suicidal at times. and it did seem completely unfair to me based on his side of the story.
we were talking about his return to work on monday....FINALLY........and he was saying that he didn't get the concessions he wanted and was upset about that....he also said that he had learned what the allegations were that led to him being dismissed, and i asked him what they were.
aggressive behaviour, including hitting inanimate objects, such as tables, and file cabinets, and having blackouts where he was collapsing on the floor, also confrontational attitudes with coworkers.....not letting them leave a discussion, not letting him finish talking, etc.
i was trying to just listen...cause i had the feeling at that point that anything i said would only make it worse.
then he asked me if i thought it was right of his boss to send it to a higher level without trying to resolve it with him.
*sigh* and i told him the truth of what i thought.
i said "the allegations are quite serious"
i'd never heard the allegations before that point.
i told him that i trust him and that i know he wouldn't hurt anyone....but that i could see why his coworkers were quite frightened and came to his boss with their concerns.
i could understand why his boss would have been frightened as well and would have taken the issue to a higher level.
and he told me "i'm hitting myself again because of you"
"you should have known saying that would make me feel worse"
i told him, "you are NEVER to blame that on me, you have crossed the line, i am done talking to you tonight and i will see you tomorrow" and i left. (we were chatting)
he freaked out....and started going off on why i should agree with him.......why i should understand what he's going through......etc.
when i didn't respond, he called my parents home.......at 1am.
i was in their home, and my mom handed the phone to me.
he says, "i just wanted to make one more point"
and i told him.......no. you crossed the line, i have to protect myself. i care about you as a friend, but that was going too far. and i will not discuss it with you any more tonight. i will talk to you tomorrow"
he says the friendship is probably over.
he has been a good friend, he's helped me through the whole thing with my kids...and all that.
this is sad to me, but i know i am in over my head with him.......i will listen to him.....but i WILL NOT STAND for being blamed for him hurting himself. that is more than i am willing to take.
anyway, i guess i'm just ranting.
he reminds me SOOO much of my ex.
they have the same disorder.
and i recognized the signs....him wanting to get into a "discussion" with me...that would last until i agreed with him.....he cannot see that he is wrong.
he cannot see how frightening a work place environment would be where someone was having violent episodes.
i can see how things could progress to the point that it did with my ex, if i let it.
so i'm nipping that in the bud, as they say.
and if i lose this friendship...that's just how it has to be.
Fallyn posted on Dec 21, 2007
| views: 397
Comments
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phoeby said on Dec 21, 2007....
Hi Fallyn,So is his autism causing him to want to be right and to make sure you agree with him at all costs and sort of sulking or being aggressive if you dont?thats really interesting. thanks for sharing this.Phoeby. -
Fallyn said on Dec 21, 2007....
it's a very distinct sign of aspergers....which is a form of social autism. -
phoeby said on Dec 21, 2007....
hmmm... i know someone with that. or at least he told me he sort of has it. and he's ALWAYS trying to make me wrong and him right. To the the point i have to pull away to feel safe and in my own skin. I thought it might be just his personality and his occupation. But do you think it could be autism/aspergers (liek your friend) also?Will you see your friend again? Does this happen all the time? do you feel he always tries to control things?phoeby -
Fallyn said on Dec 21, 2007....
he just apologized to me...and without me pointing out he was being like my ex, he thought of it on his own. so...things are good.
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phoeby said on Dec 21, 2007....
so he must have realised he overstepped the mark! that has to be a good sign. So how would he know? was it bec you told him? So does he have to be told he's hurt you? he doesn't have the emotional component inside to be able to tell on his own?i find this intriguing.phoeby -
GracefullyGrowing said on Dec 21, 2007....
You did the right thing. Aspergers sufferers MUST have boundaries. They will try to wipe out the boundaries *every* time because they do not understand that boundaries are necessary (they have to go through the process of learning this), but if one sticks to their guns, it is helpful to them. It's very difficult to do, I understand. (Believe me, I understand!!) But manipulation is their favorite tool. If relationship is to continue in a healthy manner with an Aspergers sufferer, distinct and unbending boundaries are crucial. Asp's have a really hard time accepting a point of view other than their own. If they are to have a continuous relationship with one person those same boundaries have to be in place at all times, so they can remember on their own, through familiarity, not to cross them.
Good job, Fallyn.
~Grace~
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Fallyn said on Dec 21, 2007....
grace, i'm learning this. ...i just wish i'd learned it with my ex. -
PsychoDramaQueen said on Dec 21, 2007....
Fallyn - I have nothing more to add, except my wishes for this friend to get help, and for you to carry on protecting yourself. You did a gr8 job of standing up for yourself, you should be proud.
PDQ
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uniquely-ironic said on Dec 21, 2007....
Fallyn, I can really sympathize with your dilema. My fiancee has mild aspergers and his nephew as well. It's difficult to deal with. I don't think many people realize that it is a form of autism (high functioning) and that despite anyone's efforts it's a real disability some times. Often people with aspergers are incredibly intelligent, and that in it's self becomes a problem.If your friend chooses to end the friendship you will have to let that play out. You cannot afford to bend the rules now, or you will have to do that forever. There is a good possibility that you can save the friendship, but I think he needs time to work out that you are not going to allow him to manipulate your behavior. -
raw_emotion said on Dec 21, 2007....
I'm glad you maintained your position, good for you. -
SilentChaos said on Dec 21, 2007....
My cousin 'andy' is the kind of guy that when things go wrong with whatever girl he's dating at the time, he'll hurt himself and then the girl will end up feeling terrible like it's her fault-- and he only furthers that notion of blaming her. It's just a crappy situation all around and it's really good that you recognize when a line has been crossed. It's borderline abuse when people do that to one another-- blame them for self harm. -
Fallyn said on Dec 21, 2007....
UI....EXACTLY!
silent...it's very scary. ......also he doesn't understand that the people at work were so scared. he doesn't understand that ANY kind of aggressive behaviour at work is inexcusable
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crybabylu said on Dec 21, 2007....
I know you aren't asking for advise, but I would not continue this friendship! you have got way too much on your plate to be distracted with his problems, and I have a feeling, it is going to start pulling you down. This is your godmother talking now. Move away from this individual.........love you, and am so happy for all the good things going on in your life right now. You deserve the best!.......dee -
elaineandcotteralladams said on Dec 21, 2007....
If you fire a disabled person for any reason, it is discriminatory and that is why special-interest legislation is in place to prevent this sort of systematic and institutionalized discrimination. They have no right to do this. It is wrong. Equality must be maintained socially through special legislation. I suggest going to the union leader about this and filing a secret report against the culprits who made the allegations. Make certain they don't get a copy and exaggerate. Also, accuse them of harassment and discrimination. Check on the language codes. They may have violated a language code. -
Fallyn said on Dec 21, 2007....
elaine...he wasn't fired.
he was put on paid medical leave so he could get some help. he NEEDED some help.
he very well may have been a serious threat to his coworkers.
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nytquill17 said on Dec 21, 2007....
I am glad to see that you stood up to your friend. He did indeed cross the line. I don't know much about Aspergers but from what others have said it sounds like you did exactly the right thing for him and for you. And I am glad he came around and figured it out after a while and that you won't have to lose a friend after all.
From the self-harm perspective, true self-harm is not (or at least not primarily) about manipulation. It is basically a coping skill, though perhaps a poor one. People who self-harm and blame others ("Look what you made me do!") are seen more as manipulators than as "true" self-harmers - not that "true" self-harmers don't manipulate at times or manipulative people don't sometimes truly self-harm.
It's important for people who are close to self-harmers to know that it's never their fault no matter what the self-harmer says and they should never blame themselves for it. The other person might react to something their loved one does with an emotion that then leads them to self-harm, but both the emotional reaction and the decision to self harm are theirs. You can't truly make someone angry and you can't truly make someone self-harm. But it seems like you already know that ;)
Keep an eye on this guy. He has been a good and valued friend to you, but you have your own life to live, too. He has a disorder that means that sometimes he really can't understand his effect on others - but he can understand that he needs help for this disorder. And if he refuses to get it, you would be perfectly within your rights to set some kind of ultimatum out for him. After a certain point, even with a long history, sometimes you have to cut and run and save what you can - namely, yourself. I think women, and especially mothers, have a hard time giving themselves permission to set boundaries and protect their own interests, because we are used to giving to everyone else first. I hope it won't come to an ultimatum though because he is someone you care about who has been there for you in your struggles over your kids, and that's tremendously important.
But I think I'm still telling you stuff you already know because you seem like a very strong and wise lady, from what I've seen! And my two cents have turned into a 50-cent piece at least. Better quit while I'm ahead :p
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elaineandcotteralladams said on Dec 21, 2007....
The pursuit of group-based equality is more significant than the mild discomfort of some people at work who could have left or transferred due to the 'inconvenience' as perceived only from their own views. -
lfbno7 said on Dec 22, 2007....
I have to disagree about that. Completely. If an employee is a pain in the ass, I don't care why he is a pain in the ass. His co-workers don't have to put up with it. He better damn well learn to be less of a pain in the ass. There's some therapy for you. If you don't get your act together, you have just lost your job. So work on it, bud. Fuckin fix it or get the fuck out. -
crybabylu said on Dec 22, 2007....
I am not nearly concerned about his problems as the effect it is having on you, Fallyn. Because of your loving and caring heart, and empathy towards people, i think you give and give and give of yourself to people, and some do not have the capacity to even be thankful for it.
I used to think I was going to save the world. Not like in Spiritual Salvation, just was trying to help them solve their problems. It's like I came into one person after another , but what I didn't realize is that these "hurting" people usually have nothing to give in return but "hurt" right back at you, and finally I decided to stop feeling sorry for everyone else, and start focusing more on my life and my needs.
And I certainly didn't need it filled with people who kept spewing their own hurt and pain of life out at me. I don't lack compassion. I pray for them, and direct them to any social remedies I might be aware of them, but I don't allow them into my circle of friends.
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