I don't like doing posts like this, but I just need to vent.
Some of you may remember that one of my daughters ran away this past summer, luckily, we got her back after a couple of days....we have pretty much sat on her ever since....not what we want to do, but feel we have to.
When she left, she went to stay with her "boyfriend" and his family heavy emphasis on the "boy" part...he is just 15....she turns 19 this month and is still attending high school.
The boy lives with his mom, brother(twin), and little sister....they are a welfare family living in a very bad part of town....I am talking the kind of welfare mom that has no intention of ever working, or doing anything to improve the quality of life for her kids.
Their father beat their mother(there were 3 dads between 4 kids) the boy smokes dope and does who know what else....since he has no job and no extra income in the house, I can only assume he steals to get the money to buy his pot.
We raised our kids better than this....always told them right from wrong....I just don't get it
They were in d.a.r.e. ...they know better.
She broke our rules of who to date in the 1st place....and she didn't even really date him....just started hanging out....and then started having sex with him....un-protected....trying to get pregnant! And he was ok with this! So was his mom! What kind of trash am I dealing with here?
My other daughter was seeing his brother, but heeded our advise and got out of it....she met a really great guy....with a job....and going to tech school.....who will be graduating early and getting a great job in january....we have thought for awhile that they will be married....and we approve.....unfortunately the other night she broke the news to us that she was pregnant!
We got an appointment for her today....and she found out she had lost it.....she and her fiance were upset....but it was for the better.....it was great that he stepped up to the plate and asked her to marry him....but I'm still going to have a talk with that boy.
So my day was full of anxiety to say the least, then I got the phone call that daughter #2 had lost the baby.....and I was releaved ( a bit sad....I was getting a little excited)
I thought to myself....finally.....both of my daughters have learned their lesson....things will return to normal now.....wrong!....not more than an hour or two went by, and I got a phonecall from my wife saying that daughter #1 had not gotten home yet (supposed to go xmas shopping with her mom)....was not at school...or work!....she bolted again, and this time she took the car!
After a few hours of misery we found her at her boyfriends house....daughter #2 found the car down the street....after talking to her on the phone, I showed up at the house.... a shabby little shack wrapped in a 6 foot chain link fence.....I stopped the truck...jumped out...slung open the gate and proceeded to rip into this kids mom verbally....I told her that if this continued, that I was going to have my own daughter arrested for having sex with a 15 yr old and her too for allowing it to happen under her roof....and that her kids would be taken away.
I got my daughter to leave with me....I chewed her ass all the way home and for several hours afterward....but she just doesn't get it....I think she has mental problems.....I don't know what to do....I don't know what I can do....I can't let her do this to herself...I might as well stick a heroin needle in her arm.....same difference....she'll be lost forever.
D6fer posted on Dec 20, 2007
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Comments
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D6fer said on Dec 20, 2007....
There are so many details that I have left out.....too many to list....maybe I will add more later....just needed to start somewhere. -
destinydiva said on Dec 20, 2007....
I think at 19, you have to allow your daughter to live her own life, make her own mistakes, it doesnt mean you approve, and its normal to want the best for her, but it sounds to me like the more you drag her away, the more that pushes her towards this guy...
It sounds like a crazy setting, and I dont envy your situation at all, and I really hope she see's sense soon... but allowing her to come to her own decision that this guy is bad for her will help her to learn for the future, you can advise, and make it clear your disappointed and that she can do better than that, but stamping down on her is just gonna send her straight in to his arms..
thats just my opinion.
Hope it all gets easier for you soon :-) xx
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pickersplock said on Dec 20, 2007....
Whoa...........a friend of mine just went through a similar situation with her daughter, and I'm sorry to say, she eventually had to let her daughter go.I assume they are living on welfare, although the guy actually has a minimum wage job. They have a son. We know she's going to look back someday and say, "What the hell did I do?"We're pretty sure the guy is abusive also (long story).Bottom line, we don't own them. We do the best we can.I can see you're fighting hard for your daughter, but I fear what Diva said, was true, that the more you pull her away , the more she runs to him.I'm convinced, that these things are an addiction,and I don't know if they have a detox center for the heart. -
momsrock said on Dec 20, 2007....
When you were with the boy's mother did she act concerned? Do you think after hearing what you had to say that she will try a little on her end? It's probably unlikely but maybe the thought of losing her kids would give her the kick in the ass that she needed? This is a bad situation for everyone...has your daughter said why she does this or refuses to stay away from him?
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PsychoDramaQueen said on Dec 20, 2007....
its so hard to watch our kids self destruct, but she is an adult now, and as such has to face the consequences of her actions. If she goes against the house rules, well then she's old enough to leave. I know its hard, but the more you try to split them up the harder they will work to be together.
i wish it didnt have to hurt so much.
PDQ
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curmudgeon said on Dec 20, 2007....
Blaming yourself for her decisions won't help you or her.At some point her life is her life and your life is yours. Perhaps it's time to let her take responsibility while you look after your needs. Life is fleeting and then it's gone. What can you do today, this minute, to help bring the rest of your life more in line with what you envision? Every day, every moment is a new chance to get it right.It's clear that you care about your daughters and I hope that you will continue to do so even as they walk their own path. -
GracefullyGrowing said on Dec 20, 2007....
Let me just give you a virtual HUG! {{{{D6fer}}}} Gawd do I know what you're going through. My oldest daughter did almost exactly the same thing, and like you we taught her better.We tried it all, D6. Nothing worked or reached her sensible side. She ran time and time again. Finally, we had to let her go running head long into her own refining fire. She is now in the latter half of her 20's and has indeed been through some disfiguring fire. She's learned some lessons, to be sure, and I'm proud of that in her. However, she continues to require herself to learn the hard way regardless of the consequences. She is not capable of taking advice, or learning from the mistakes of others. She is not mentally ill, technically. She is simply incredibly independant and stubborn. (Yeah, I know where she gets that part from - shut up! ;~P)I hope the following doesn't sound harsh, but I wish to share with you what I have learned through my experience (and my vocation), and the best way I know how to do that is with straight forward honesty. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. <deep breath and short prayer this is taken as intended>We humans have to get past the idea that just because things are taught, others will heed. This is especially difficult for parents, and especially in our culture. We think that if parents just do all the right things our kids will turn out as properly functioning adults. While this is true to a degree, it is mostly an unrealistic ideal. Each and every human has their own free will. I think it is entirely ridiculous for us to hold parents responsible (totally) for the way a child "turns out." Parents can not hold themselves totally responsible for the negative aspects of their children, nor can they give themselves credit for the positive aspects. Children are not clones of parents, they are entities unto themselves. What is good about them, is from inside them. What is bad about them is also inside them. It's exactly the same for ALL humans. So you *really* need to stop blaming yourself, and having unrealistic expectations of all people involved. Acceptance and patience need to be your banner right now.Some people simply do not have the capability to take another person's word for it - regardless of their authority or relationship. They are experiential and MUST suffer to learn truth. What you *CAN* be proud of is that you taught it, and that s o m e d a y she will understand, and incorporate it into her life. That may be after you're long dead, D6. She is just not ready to understand, and probably won't be for quite some time. But it *will* happen.After reading this you may be pissed and not ever want to, but if I can be an ear to you, or a sounding board, or whatever - I'm available.~Grace~ -
Me-Myself&I said on Dec 20, 2007....
((((((((HUG)))))))) heck...i don't know what to do or think of my own grown-kid! i have no advice but ....take care of you first! after they get a certain age...well...you let go. love and pray for them and let it be! i'm so sorry for the pain i know you are feeling! take care and good luck. -
fearing said on Dec 20, 2007....
D6fer - I wish I had something helpful to say but sadly I do not. I just wanted to reach out with a cyber hug for you. Bless you and your family.
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CreativeWoman said on Dec 20, 2007....
I don't have children, but I know it must be an awful situation. I'm sending good thoughts your way. I hope she sees the light.
CW
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Lucytorial said on Dec 20, 2007....
D I'm sad to hear you are still going through a rough time with your daughter, I can't offer anything I'm afraid but I think at 19 she needs to learn about life and well as a parent no matter how hard it is you really need to step back a little and make sure you are there for the falls, that will come, just be there a dad you know. hugs to you friend, hang in there. -
D6fer said on Dec 20, 2007....
thanks everyone.....I haven't much time to respond....so I will use the blanket approach.
My daughter(s) were diagnosed (by public school teachers) as having mild mental retardation....they are in individual education programs that fall into the special education category.....unfortunately, they are just barely on the edge of being in "regular" curriculum and do take a few classes, but for the most part are stuck in the special ed class most of the time.
In those classes are some kids with all kinds of behavioral problems....having always been around those kids, they have gotten a stigma attached to them....and most of the "regular" kids won't give them the time of day....so it's hard for them to find friends that are decent people.
I really want to let her have some space and independence....but she is clearly not ready or capable of making adult decisions....I am considering taking her to a mental health facility for evaluation.....I don't know
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lioneljay said on Dec 20, 2007....
D6, I can only imagine how much this hurts. While we both know that those who say it's time for your daughter to live her own life are essentially right, we both also know that that's just not always realistic. I know that when my daughter (who's barely a year older than your daughter #1) has gone against my wishes in her love life it has been very painful to watch. But for the most part that's what we did. However, I also feel your concern about your daughters' abilities to make thoughtful, well reasoned decisions.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to have your daughter spend some time with a counselor, someone who is skilled in working with young people. Sometimes it helps when a youngster can make a relationship with an adult who doesn't have a direct say in her life but who can offer adult wisdom and real caring.
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Mamie said on Dec 20, 2007....
oy. But some good perspective here...you did not "go wrong"...I can see that it is complicated and will take some time to make the changes that you feel are needed...for each of them...good luck friend and if you can't get counsel for them, ask for it for yourself so that you will find some skills to get you through as well as tools that you can continue to teach them as they are becoming independent young women. blessings to you , mamie -
tbs230 said on Dec 20, 2007....
Perhaps finding a program that will take her away from the situation? I know there are some great camps for kids with special needs, and the programs are excellent. Maybe if she doesn't want to stay at home, you could give her that respite, as well as moving her away from the boy?
Honestly I agree with people who say that she needs to learn on her own, and that holding her down will just push her away...but at the same time, maybe giving her that freedom, but in a safe space where she can make new, healthier friends would be a better option?
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crybabylu said on Dec 20, 2007....
D6--I don't think you can blame yourself for this. But, I don't think you are without options. The last one you mentioned about the daughter having some learning problems, can be an option. I think an evaluation at the mental health facility is a good place to start.
However, I really wouldn't pursue anything with legal repricussions. That could get her into more trouble than you would like to see.
Stay on this, and see it thru till you find a resolution, because this is not going to go away by itself............dee
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D6fer said on Dec 20, 2007....
It is especially tough when we have had to deal with the disabilities all of their lives....I have brothers who's children grew up to be well adjusted adults....all did well in school...went to college....many have gotten married to great people....very frustrating.
May sound selfish.....but it's the way I feel...and I know my wife feels the same.
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ALIENated said on Dec 20, 2007....
Dude, get on your knees and pray (I know you probably already have). You need devine help. This is messed. I have heard that one of my high school sweetheart's daughter is bipolar and acts about like what you are saying. I had to deal with some mental illness in my family and it is a frustrating mess. Good luck.
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lfbno7 said on Dec 21, 2007....
I think pretty much all kids are suffering from mild mental retardation. I wouldn't put too much stock in it. Special ed classes, no big deal. What your kids are really suffering from is teenageritis. It's not that uncommon. It seems to strike kids at about age 13, and usually lasts til about 19, though it often goes all the way to 29.
Maybe you went wrong in a few places. Maybe you always relied too much on force and intimidation and rules. Maybe not. Maybe where you really went wrong was in getting married and having kids. I think that's where I went wrong.
They are most likely going to do what they want. They have the common sense of sneakers. Ever have a conversation with your sneakers? Maybe your daughter is addicted to the boy, and that's a lot stronger than anything you can come up with. Think of it this way. You are gravity, the boy is electromagnetism. You try to bring your daughter back to earth, but then the magnet comes along and it's no contest, electromagnetism is many many times more powerful than gravity, and your kid is a refrigerator magnet. -
fearing said on Dec 21, 2007....
Do I have an echo or just a copycat? Interesting.Sorry D6. -
Mamie said on Dec 21, 2007....
hi fearing, you heard right, it is a lame individual who disrespects us all by using your words and then adding a self promoting ending...as if. Don't let it bother you, D6...delete that, the person is an idiot. -
fearing said on Dec 21, 2007....
Mamie - you mean to tell me I'm not the first person they've copied? And I thought I was special. I mean really - go back and re-read my profound words. ;-) Maybe I should copyright my words.
Thanks Mamie!!!!
And sorry still D6 - I know this is a serious post and you have real problems. Still sending you a hug and prayers.
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crybabylu said on Dec 23, 2007....
How are you doing with all of this now, that a few days have gone by? Hope things are better. -
D6fer said on Dec 24, 2007....
actually yes.....I sat her down last night and had a heart to heart with her.....she had had a bad night and freaked out a bit about the situation....I just handled it differently this time....didn't yell or scold her...told her that she needed to do the right thing...that he was too young and that he needed to get his head on straight and get back to school and get a real education, and that she would just be a distraction to him....I pointed out that they started the relationship the wrong way...many other little details....I think it finally sank in.....she cried quite a bit, but then started confessing to a lot of things from years past....wanted to turn her life around...etc.
I just hope it sticks this time...I told her to pray for patience and understanding for herself....I did the same.
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crybabylu said on Dec 26, 2007....
best wishes and prayers, we are sending your way. I'm glad things are better. -
D6fer said on Dec 27, 2007....
thanks! -
anonymous said on Jul 22, 2008....
you know its things like that which make me afraid to talk to my mom about anything. I'm 19 as is my boyfriend. I had a job for 3 years and it just got really bad and I didn't even make $9 an hour after 3 yrs of being a supervisor/closer. so I left because I had a better offer in the same kind of job. that job lasted 3 days because they said it wasnt a good match. okay now im out of a job b/c I can't go back to my old one. I had to sign up for unemployment to just take a break. I lost my dad 4 months ago so now its just me my mom and my brother. but I'm always with my boyfriend. my family isnt fond of my boyfriend b/c he was living in the projects with his sister because he didn't want to live with his mom. she lives in the projects but has a job and a responsible attitude and a 4 yr old daughter. then he moved into the same projects with his aunt n uncle and cousins because he hated his sisters boyfriend and then i convinced him to move back in with his mom in a better area so his money wouldnt get stolen. hes kept his job and worked extra shifts but its min wage. and until 2 weeks ago i had a job for 3 yrs above min wage but not enough. i want to go back to school and my boyfriend wants to finish highschool but all my mom sees is a dropout who did drugs and lived in the projects. he stopped doing everything and hes been clean for a while. and im afraid to tell my mom that i think im pregnant because she will flip out. esp. b/c she's a single mom now and i have no job and hes on a min wage job. i dont see any way its going to work but i did a caculator online and it says im at least 6 weeks pregnant if i am and i have no clue what to do.. his mom would kick him out and im pretty sure id get kicked out and my family would give me alot of shit b/c i was always the responsible one. we would have to move in with his sister and her kid when she gets her new place out of the projects which is hopefully soon. im honestly not ready for this and didnt plan it. any advice?
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