Some people I love are suffering in silence....it hurts my heart to know it but there are only a few things I can do. I have been talking with some friends on Email, on PM and on the phone. When we do this, we are able to share a little bit more about the real answer to "how are you today?" We aren't always hurt but we aren't always fine either. I am one of them, they are just like me. We suffer in silence. Oh there is beauty, and happiness and tenderness...but there is a void. It is lonely there.
I am apprehensive about lending an ear or a shoulder sometimes.You see, I have been hurt just by "being there" for some in the past. I gave and gave and gave, never minding that I was bending who I really was/am in order to ":help". It was, unbeknownst to me, judged to be meddling and I was ignored and then dismissed from their lives. Ouch! For a really long time, I grieved and then most times, I was/became okay.
It does take on a sort of "pretend" quality to it (see E_T's blog re: are you real). I hate being a slightly pretend version of who I really am. I guess I am choosing to put this face forward because I will not conform to the hateration :).
But there is a point of clarity that I find and it is filled with Joy, and Gratitude and Love. It is inside my heart and when I "go there" I am empowered. I find strength even though I am still disconnected to some, as I find I am connected to God. I still cry when I am left out, but I no longer expect to be included and I do know that I am remembered always by God. I still do not conform to the quiet rules laid out for how to be in my extended family. I would rather be in exile than a slave...to that. I am free, so I rejoice. I also rejoice in your strengths as you show them to me. It is inspiring.
If I have talked with you recently about your pains...and you have told me that I have helped you out, I pray that it is truly so. If I am just a detangler and have shared my stories with you and you have shared yours with me, then I know for certain that you and I are like angel friends, sent to one another for a little breathing room. I get you. You get me. It is surely a little Christmas gift just in the knick of time.
I don't want you to suffer in silence or to suffer at all this Christmas.Let's choose JOY. I wish for you joy and peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. I wish for you the clarity to know, really know what to do. I wish you love in the tiny little magical things that happen over the next couple of weeks. I will hold your hand. I will be your friend and I will be there to laugh, to cry and then to laugh again.
You are not alone. I accept the gift that is you, just as you are. I see your talent. I see your heart and I love you for it. Don't let anyone make you apologize for who you are. You are God's treasure and He does not make mistakes.
I send you strength for the journey. I send you smiles through the tears, and I pray for you that you will be blessed abundantly as this new year unfolds. I will hold you up and you will hold me up.
You will not go down. Not today. Not on my watch.
Merry Christmas!
Mamie
