well i have been at college for about  3 months now. at least i can say it better then where i came from. everyone has this idea of what college is supposed to be like. well at least i did. i always imagined it like on tv. where you move in and you meet the people on your floor and everyone becomes friends with all this drama and in the end everyone has hated, dated and betrayed everyone else, but i guess thats not real life huh. so far i havent met anyone. well there are people on my floor but they are not as i imagined them to be. yes people are partying and going out and getting drunk, but its like highschool. i feel like were still kids. college was supposed to be a place where we all grew up into men and women. there are still people whose parents drive from hours away to pick them up and take them and their dirty close home for a washing. i thought by now i should have a boyfriend or at least someone who was interested. that i would finally, for once in my life, meet people that i clicked with. but no. and now its winter break and im hear all alone. everyone else went home to their parents and family. most of the time it doesnt bother me, being alone, but then there are the times when i wish i had just one person i could tell everything to. and i dont. i look through my cell phone and there is not one person i could call and pour my heart out to. i guess i cant blame anyone because i drive people away. the truth is, getting close to people scares me.

 

at work there are alot of people who came here from alot further away then i did and they have tons of friends. and theres me. who goes to the dining halls alone. walks to class alone, works weekends and never parties. im mean could i be the only person on this planet earth who, doesnt drink, smoke, party, or sleep around without being some religious good girl? because religious is one thing i am not. its like im waiting. constantly. for this person. like i dont even know who.but i get this feeling sometime that when i meet then everything will be okay. i guess its just a matter of when. i keep thinking that being alone is okay and having no friends is okay, but the honest truth is that its not. truth is im a loner. always have been. well, as long as i could remember. i never remember myself going over anyones house or have sleep overs or telling someone i was their best friend. its like all these things that everyone around me experienced and i didnt.

 

well i guess if you have read this far then i should elaborate more on the person that is me. people always describe themselves as being smart, funny, loud, charismatic, etc. but no one really ever discribes themselves, i guess mostly because they dont like to face it. if im going to write this blog (daily i hope, well i'll try at least) i think that my readers, any readers, should know more about who I am.

 

i am funny, and agressive, and blunt. and alot of people see that as being mean. im honest, trustworthy, im secretive and very closed off to emotion. i dont cry in from of other people. i dont know how to hug someone when they try to hug me so i dont hug back. im insecure about the way i look. and i think that my personality is my only strength. (and my eyes). i act like i dont care, most of the time i dont, but for those important things i do. i dont trust anyone and i keep everyone at arms length. im decieving and intimidating. i think i have heightened senses. i can hear really well, i can read body language and facial expressions damn good. if a conversation is in my earshot then i eaves drop. i love everything about who i am and what i stand for, and sometimes i just wish i was like everybody else.