uniquely-ironic's tags:
uniquely-ironic's most popular posts:
uniquely-ironic reads (168):
Who's reading uniquely-ironic (283):

Poll: Handling Conflict

uniquely-ironic posted on Dec 13, 2007 | views: 433 | Tags: Forgive, Conflict, fight, conflicts
It's amazing to me how many times I have to learn the lessons that I learned in grade school.  It's like my brain is disfunctional and doesn't retain any information on how to get along well with others (or anything else that might make my life easier) for more than a week or so.  However, if you have some completely irrelevant trivia you need stored somewhere, come see me. ;)
 
Last night Bill was returning an email to his father.  Their relationship is tense on good days.  On bad days its like watching the cold war all over again.  In his defense, Bill's dad is a flippant ass a lot.  Not in his defense, Bill has inherited his dad's asshole gene, so he often makes a situation worse than it needs to be.  Me, I've learned that being Switzerland will keep me out of the middle of it a lot of the time.
 
That's the lesson I keep forgetting.
 
Bill asked me what he should do about his dad being his usual flippant and difficult self.  The correct answer would have been something like "I don't know Honey, what do you think YOU should do".  But, I'm not that smart.  Or at least I wasn't that smart last night.  Must have been the pizza I had for dinner.
 
I told him that insteading of blasting back at his dad he should just ignore him or opt out of making any holiday plans seeing as how it appeared they were not getting along.  Wrong answer.  Apparently I should have said something along the lines of "You show him who's boss Honey!"  My willingness to forgive, ignore or make the extra effort to get along is completely foreign to his nature.
 
I sometimes wonder about that.  I've always considered my ability to hang in there and make relationships work an asset.  I thought it took more strength to go the extra mile, ignore the jabs and get along.  Perhaps he's right and I should "draw my lines" sooner and more often.
 
So here's my poll questions:
 
1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
 
2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?
 
3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong?
 
I suppose by this blog you can guess where I fall with these questions, but my answers later just in case you're not clear.


send to a friend del.icio.us Digg reddit StumbleUpon

Comments

  • Mr_Box said on Dec 13, 2007....
    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
    That depends entirely on the situation. If it's something important, I will always stand my ground. If the problem is not that dire, I will simply stay out of it.
    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?
    It can be both. Being too tolerant and forgiving means you're a doormat. But if you refuse to listen to anyone else's side or forgive people for mistakes, you're an asshole. Middle ground. And pick your battles carefully.
    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong?
    Tricky. Not necessarily. If I see someone I love repeatedly making the same bad decisions in a conflict, it would pain me to stand back and not say anything. So sometimes I will in fact point out the error of their ways. Or at least attempt to show them the other side of the story so maybe they can understand the situation more clearly.
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    JBox - Hmmm, I expected something a little more left wing from you, but I have to agree with moderation and picking your battles.  The problem with pointing out an error or the other side to a loved one is that you run the risk of becoming the enemy.
  • Mr_Box said on Dec 13, 2007....
    More left wing? I actually consider myself a peacemaker. I try to ease conflict if I can. But I also know when to stay out of it too.
     
    My wife had a problem with one of her co-workers once. I listened to her bitch and moan about it for weeks. But she was clearly overreacting.
     
    So eventually I had to step in and call her on it. It was a risk because I knew she might hate me.
     
    But I just presented the situation to her calmly and rationally and attempted to make her see both sides of the story.
     
    She was a little annoyed with me at first, but she did come around. And she did take my advice. And now she's happier and I don't have to listen to it anymore.
     
    Everyone wins.
     
     
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    JBox - Nicely handled.  She must have realized at some level that she was over reacting as well.  I think it depends on the loved one's disposition as well.  I've gotten my ass handed to me for "butting in" on occaision, but I come from a family of hot headed Irish and Germans.
  • evil_twin said on Dec 13, 2007....
    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
    Unless the situation is something I really need to step in the middle of, I'll usually just keep quiet.
     
    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?
    I think it can be a weakness if you're too forgiving or tolerant. Because then everyone knows they can walk all over you. But generally, unless the offenses are really bad, I'm a pretty forgiving person. As for tolerance, I just try to avoid things that I hate unless I really can't do that anymore.

    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong?
    Usually I will support them, unless they're really super wrong about something. Then I'll at least ask them if they're sure they're handling this the best way.
  • beyondtheveil said on Dec 13, 2007....
    unique- I agree its better to attempt to hang in and try to make relationships work as best you can...except...that all three of your questions are "depends" questions. Each person you go up against is different in some ways and have different agendas, perhaps.

    We are primarily talking about family here and family is something you want to apply your best at. Family you want to try to keep together, but some cross the line. When your line is crossed (only you can determine that) it becomes necessary to become hard lined on the first two questions.

    As to the third, it depends on if your loved one is right. If they are wrong, they need to be told by you and try to straighten things out from your end. I really don't understand your statement of becoming an "enemy" of your loved one. A loved one would have to be terribly short-sighted to consider you an enemy when trying to solve problems with family- especially theirs.

    I find so many times there is no black/white answer. Each much be taken on it's own terms and worked with accordingly. There is no other way to do it right.
  • the_infernal_optimist said on Dec 13, 2007....
    1. It depends - in general, I turn the other cheek, but if that would compromise my integrity or put a loved one at risk somehow, I'll stand and fight. I follow "do nothing that costs [part of] your soul" for the most part.
     
    2. It's both - taken to extremes, it can make you a doormat. In most situations, I can tolerate a lot, and I tend to forgive over holding a grudge.
     
    3. Most of my loved ones can hold their own and don't need me to be involved in the situation, but I tend to support them or validate their opinion/stance if I can at least see where they're coming from and if their position isn't morally or ethically reprehensible to me on whatever it is they're up in arms about. If I think they're wrong in a major way somehow, I'm not afraid to say that to them.
     
    ~Infernal
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    ET - It's interesting that you and your bro have similar answers, though it would seem you're more hesitant to point out to loved ones where they've gone astray.  I have always thought it takes more inner strength to tolerate or forgive those who have wronged you.
     
    BTV - You're right, I should have posed these questions with a specific scenario since who it is is a consideration in deciding.  As for becoming the enemy with family, I was given the cold shoulder for YEARS for pointing out that I had been wronged in a certain situation involving family members.
     
    TIO - I like the "do nothing that costs [part of] your soul" guideline.  It sounds like your family has developed the kind of love and trust that can withstand a little criticism.  Some families don't have that.
  • destinydiva said on Dec 13, 2007....
    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
    very dependant on person/situation...   tho until very recently...I prob would have turned the other cheek whoever/whatever it was,  but I realised I was living for everyone else and not for myself, and people take advantage of that, so I started to stand up for myself a bit more :-)
     
    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?  I think a strength defo, regardless of situation...  when you hold a grudge with someone, you suffer as much as the person your holding a grudge with, sometimes I am too forgiving, and sometimes my crappy memory means I can quickly forget how horrid a person has been to me, and so its easy for me to forgive...  I dont wish I was any les forgiving at all, I think its a good thing :-)
     
    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong?  my ex was always arguing with everyone and moaning about everyone!  and I couldnt support him cus he was mostly wrong or out of order!  I wouldnt always  speak up, I  tended to fade in to the background and then  apologise for him!  but he always had a go at me for not supporting him...  If he was right (which was rare) I would back him up then...  ahhh  life is sooooo much easier without him in it!! :-)

  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    destiny - I get the "too forgiving" problem, though in recent years I've learned to temper forgiveness with a longer memory.  When you realize that holding a grudge is like hanging onto a live electrical wire it makes it easier to forgive and let go of the wire.
  • fallingmusician said on Dec 13, 2007....

    1. know what's worth fighting for. moral values that they're compromising, self-respect b/c they're trashing you, or your friends, religeon, family. whatever the important stuff is. quareling over small stuff isn't worth it. turn the other cheek on the other stuff. work through the other stuff.

    2. strength, shows you've come 2 somehwat of an understanding

    3. don 't take sides, support them in working through it, not necessarily direct opinions.

  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    falling - I like your answer to #3.  I can definately support my loved ones when they get involved in a conflict, whether I agree with them or not.  I think I'd be okay with my loved one supporting me as a person, but not neccesarily my position.
  • skald said on Dec 13, 2007....
    I had already written a lot when I lost it,.
    1. It depends on the situation what I do. And it depends on who I have to deal with.
    2 Being tolerant is a strength but in certain cases it can be a weakness, if you are allowing someone to behave badly for example.
    3. No I will tell him if he is  wrong. Even though I might not be popular with that person for a while. i know the person would start to think. Being frank is the best thing.
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 13, 2007....
    skald - like many before have said, it depends on who they're dealing with.  I guess we are more likely to tolerate bad behavior from those we know?  It also is sounding like despite tolerating it, we are also more willing to say something about it.
  • nursecutie said on Dec 13, 2007....
    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
    In an argument I can be pretty stubborn so I almost always stand my ground. Unless I know I'm a little bit wrong then I might cave in......
    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?
    It's a strength I think.....it's hard to forgive some things and be tolerant of others.
    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong
    I always support them.....but that includes helping them see that they might not be looking at something correctly or handling it right. So I am still supporting them by helping them resolve the issue.
  • lfbno7 said on Dec 13, 2007....
    I say what the other guys said. Just replace their name with mine and you pretty much have what I think.
  • Daniel68 said on Dec 13, 2007....
    Well, if it makes you feel better - if I had conflict with a friend, my ex would ALWAYS side against me. Always.

    She would call my friend, no matter who it was or what it was about, and TELL them that she thought I was wrong. Even when I was right. Didn't matter.

    This was some part of her personality. Even my friends would notice it, and tell me about it after we settled down.

    never liked that about her


  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 13, 2007....
    It all depends on the situation for me.  I like to think I'm a good friend.  I listen.  I offer my two cents if I think it's pretty good.  Otherwise, I stay out of it.  I'm not always good at standing up for myself.  I am much better at doing it for others. 
     
    CW
  • Battycat said on Dec 14, 2007....
    I hate conflict, and in general i'll turn the other cheeck, it does depend on the circumstances.
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 14, 2007....
    nurse - I hadn't thought of showing a loved one that they were wrong as support, but that does make sense.
     
    Mr7 - so the general consensus fits your opinion then.
     
    Daniel - It's one thing to take the other side of an arguement, but to notify the fact to the other side is more than a little weird.  I have noticed that I will sometimes take the other side of a "discussion" merely because I want to see all angles before coming to a conclussion, but that also irritates my fiance no end.
     
    CW - Somehow I get the feeling that its almost always easier to stand up for someone else than ourselves.  Somehow it feels more noble. 
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 14, 2007....
    batty - I hate conflict too, though I'm learning that by avoiding it that I sometimes just set myself up for a larger blow out down the line.
  • skald said on Dec 14, 2007....
    Uniquely no I feel I am more frank with my love ones at least my husband and I always say what I think . I like to clear the air. People I don't know don't matter as much. Do you get me.  Yes and we are more likely to say something about it, I agree.

    With my older boy when we had trouble I was maybe to tolerant. I mean I really often gave in. But that is an other story and I still have to get those things straight. I did what I could.
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 14, 2007....
    skald - I think I do get you.  You care enough to let them know what you think, which is always important.
  • queenparanoia said on Dec 14, 2007....
    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?
    depends if youbelieve youre right then stand your ground. if youre wrong then turn the other cheek.
     
    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness? i say both. sometimes it could be a weakness and sometimes it could be a strenght.
     
    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong? no, i usually keep quite or tell them abou it... but it's difficult doing it...
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 15, 2007....
    queen - if you only turn the other cheek when you're wrong, how do you decide if you're wrong?
  • beyondtheveil said on Dec 18, 2007....
    unique- Perhaps I should have given "the enemy" a little more space, but its such a definite term. However loved ones can become enemies, I realize that. My wife has an aunt who is very opinionated, vain, and demands everything be her way. She has blacklisted all family several times at least. This is a woman who spread her vile words to the rest of the family because her son and daughter-in-law visited for a weekend and "used too much toilet paper". She is still invited to family get-togethers and is tolerated. I'm glad we only have one of these. 
  • Clair_de_Lune said on Dec 21, 2007....

    1. Is it better to turn the other cheek or should you stand your ground?

    turn the other cheek..

    not saying I always do it..

    but it's the ideal..


    2. Is being tolerant and forgiving a strength or a weakness?

    ultimately, it is a strength..not everyone sees this..but it really almost always..

    ok, always is..

    3. If your loved one is involved in conflict, do you support them even if they may be wrong?

    I would support them..But I would not lie to them..Nor would I support their wrong, or their doing wrong..

    There is a difference between supporting someone, and support to a degree it harms them..

    Much of this boils down to one's understanding of real love and absolutes, like truth.

    Being honest is a loving thing. Sometimes the truth will offend, but that is still, ultimately the most loving, and supportive way.

    Because of our faith I am commanded to, yes-I never said it was easy-always forgive..

    That's an art, a challenge..

    In the end it's a blessing..

    But it always takes God's strength and grace..

    I could not do it otherwise..

    Most couldn't..whether they know this or not, it's true..
  • Clair_de_Lune said on Dec 21, 2007....
    *** I often stand my ground..I do not consider that and turning the other cheek mutually exclusive..There are good fights..afterall..I am a lover..But, sometimes, we must fight those good fights..For love, faith, doing what is right..I forgot to add this..**
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 22, 2007....
    Clair - always having to forgive seems so hard some times.
  • Clair_de_Lune said on Dec 22, 2007....
    "Clair - always having to forgive seems so hard some times.

    and it is..

    to be sure

    but the alternative is even more difficult..

    70 x 7 is an eternity number

    we know it doesnt end at 490 :^)

Comment on "Poll: Handling Conflict"

Forgive Conflict fight conflicts (Click to add tags below)

(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)