Siddha is just recently missing and my heart is breaking. She went out last Saturday night and hasn't returned. Most of my cats have been indoor/outdoor with a few exceptions and usually do well, but with any arrangement like this, harm can and sadly still does come.

She was my baby. She named herself. Here's how she came to be with me.

A year before Steven was killed, he came home one day and said he wanted to get a pet. (Animals certainly calmed him and were healing for his bipolar). He had found a litter at the local drug store. We went down with a carrier and wet food, and decided we wanted to capture two kittens so they would keep each other company. They were all shades of black, white and gray.

He wanted a black & white mix. I wanted the solid black cat. I'm certainly not superstitious THAT way. We waited for a while, and saw a gray & white tabby, Baby Girl, go in first. We brought her home and went back. We waited for what seemed hours. We almost missed Siddha. She was solid black and in the night was so hard to see, but sure enough, the tiny thing was in the cage.

We brought both home and almost immediately out of the cage, Siddha bit the crap out of my hand. My first "love" bite. I know it was out of fear, and I forgave her.

It took 3 months in total to tame them. They were feral and wouldn't come near us. Little by little, they began to trust and come around us. After only a month, I was trying to come up with names for them. Steve wanted to name the Tabby, so I focused on black cat names. The usual suspects... Black Magic, Merlin, Black Beauty.... nothing original. I was reading from the list aloud to both the sister cats, instructing either one, although most names were intended for the black kitten, to give me some sign if they heard a name they preferred.

After I finished reading the entire list with no response from either kitten, Siddha picked up her head, looked intently at me and suddenly the name SIDDA popped into my head.

I said the name aloud, and that got a response from the black cat. She actually nodded. Then, as suddenly as it popped into my head, so did a corrected spelling. Yes, with an H. SIDDHA. I'd never heard such a name. I asked what it meant. And as before, I was "told" to go look it up!

I did. A name I'd never heard before, proved to be ancient Sanskrit that meant something akin to "Fulfilled One".  I was flabbergasted.

Of course, few believe me. But I've always had telepathic communication with my cats. Some better than others, and I have to say, they read my mind far better than I read theirs, but somehow I would know what they wanted or needed.

Steven named the Tabby, "Baby Girl" ... sort of a common way to name creatures in his home state of Hawaii, I'm told. At first, I thought it a dorky name, but she proved to fit the name very well.

Within two weeks of Steven's death, Baby Girl was also found dead by a neighbor. She was his favorite. Siddha was mine. Since Steven died in California, his father had his body cremated and his ashes shipped back to Oahu', Hawaii for burial. The process took nearly a month before everything finally culminated with his burial in November. He had been estranged from his family, so they knew very little about his life with me.

The day of Steven's funeral there, his parents heard a tiny mew coming from the trees overhead. They saw a tiny gray and white tabby, caught it, kept it and named it Baby Girl. They reported to me once the funeral was over since I couldn't be there and then told me about the newly-found kitten. I was floored when they told me the name and that she was a Tabby kitten described as looking almost exactly like our Baby Girl had.

Kinda makes you wonder huh?

Well Siddha disappeared this past Saturday and I don't know what to make of it. I'm heart broken. She was my sweetie. I still have Lukas, found and named by Steven literally a few weeks before he was killed, but it's not the same. They are both my children and when one is missing, it's devastating.

Two weeks before he died, he looked me in the eye, and made me swear that I would always take care of the cats. He knew if I said yes, he'd be fine. He knew I'd honor my promise. I think he somehow knew what the future held and wanted to make sure our babies would be taken care of. When Baby Girl died, I nearly had a breakdown. It was then i sought counseling.

Now that Siddha's missing, I sincerely hope Steven forgives me. I feel I've failed him. But I don't think I could have kept it from happening without sacrificing her love of the outdoors.

Cats are amazing creatures. Highly intelligent, loving, healing, protecting, and a blessing. Baby Girl went on to continue helping Steven in Heaven, and Siddha stayed with me to help me move on. Maybe now my healing, and grieving is finally over, or at least manageable on my own.

Maybe Siddha felt it was time to move on to another human soul to help them out instead. I'm hoping someone else is receiving the love and blessings she gave me. But if something did happen to her... something tragic, then I hope that she's up there with Steven and her sister, Baby Girl. He loved his animals and I know he would welcome them both whole-heartedly by his side.

God bless you wherever you are Siddha. You too, Baby Girl. I still have Lukas to look after me. :)