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The problem with despairation

travelr712 posted on Dec 06, 2007 | views: 686 | Tags: relationships, confidence
Looking back, for most of my life, I can see that the way I viewed my relationships were with a varying degree of despairation. Many, many friends, both men and women, would tell me that it's confidence that women are attracted to. Not arrogance, but confidence. Despairation was ALWAYS a turn off, because obsession usually accompanied it, and who wants a desparate, obsessive person as a s.o.?
 
I never really understood that, mostly because I was a desparate, obsessive person. But now I do. At least I think I have a better idea as to why.
 
If a man has confidence, then he knows that he has many choices, and does not need to be desparate. He can choose the best fit, not 'take what he can get'. And women know this. So, since women know that the man can choose who he wants, and has a wide selection, if you will, then when he chooses a particular woman, she feels more special than all those other women, because she knows he could have chosen anyone he wanted, and he chose her. So now I understand why confidence is such a turn on for women.
 
Or maybe I heard that in a movie years ago, and am just now getting to a place in my life where I can live it? oh well, I'm trying to figure some of these things out. How'm I doing so far?


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  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 06, 2007....
    Confidence is a turn on.  There's something empowering in knowing that a woman and a man deliberately choose each other, rather than desperately latching onto who ever came along.  Obsession is like a death sentence that no one wants.
     
    You've come a long way grasshopper :)
  • travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    LOL thanks unique. so what's the male equivalent of 'you gotta kiss alot of frogs to find your prince? cause i think i need to go do some frog kissing, or whatever it's called :-)
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 06, 2007....
    I'd say stalking, but that doesn't seem right. :)
     
    I think guys call it "going fishing" but since I'm not a guy you'll probably want to run that by someone who is.
  • travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    LOL
     
    hmm, go fish kissing? it does have a ring to it, doesn't it?
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 06, 2007....
    well, I didn't say fish kissing (just fishing) but if it hold your interest .......
     
    I'd ask Bill what they call it, but he hasn't been fishing or frogging or whatever it is in a long time so he might not remember what they call it.  Or worse yet, he'll just say something smart alec and I'll have to curb the urge to kick him in the nuts.
  • travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    LOLOL! so then it's squirl hunting, huh? (get it, nuts, squirls?) :-)
  • uniquely-ironic said on Dec 06, 2007....
    Hey, I'm not THAT dense!  (yeah I get it)
     
    I'd say the odds of finding the right girl are pretty much the same as bagging the "perfect" squirrel.
  • evil_twin said on Dec 06, 2007....
    I don't think desperation is a turn on for anyone really. Guys don't like desperate women either. I've never considered myself desperate when it comes to women. But I wouldn't exactly say I'm confident either. I've never had much trouble attracting a woman, but it's the keeping her around part where I lack confidence. I'm working on it though!

    You've just had a lot of self revelations lately, haven't you? That's good. I think I need more of those myself.

    -evil_twin LA
  • travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    unique - ain't no such thing as either, so no use to looking for one. but i'm not in the market anyway. i'm just 'storing up for winter', as it were.
     
    et - you know, i've been spending quite a bit of time deciding who i want to be, and what i want my life to be like, and it's really working for me. and i agree that it's the same for guys, but it usually takes longer for them to become disenchanted. usually around breakfast time ;-) and i don't think you have anything to worry about in the 'keeping her around' department any more, my friend.
  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 06, 2007....
    To flip a coin, how to you feel about confident women?

    You really do seem to be doing some soul searching and getting some answers.  Good for you!

    CW
  • travelr712 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    cw - well, i like a woman to be confident, but also, hmm, what's the word, soft? sweet? not really submissive, but not domineering either. i think there can only be one dominant person in a relationship, and i don't do well with being dominated. and i don't mean a controlling kind of domination either.
     
    and yes, i'm searching my and allot of other people's souls, and shaping my own accordingly. i think i'm on the right track :-)
  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 06, 2007....
    trav,
    You seem to be on the path to happiness.  That's a good thing.  :-)

    CW
  • desertsienna2 said on Dec 06, 2007....
    I think some people are really worthwhile and have low self-esteem or past issues of problems in childhood and relationships.  However, there are also people who will take anything out of fear of being alone or they just use people.

    I think there are some people around with personality disorders and am certain my sister is a histrionic personality with issues of anxiety and depression.  Personally, I'd like her to go see a psychiatrist and get a physical.  I'd like her to be happy.  She is a productive person.  One of my co-workers thinks I am a control freak who wants to run her life, who judges her and that I am violating her civil rights by asking her to get treatment for her problems. I'd like to know why she keeps going after married men instead of single ones, why she lost her successful career at the post office over personal actions, why she has no remorse, why she lives in the now, doesn't have much of a memory, has a conscience but can divorce herself from her past behavior, why she dissociates herself from situations, has a bad temper but a shifting personality and shallow emotions, needs attention, has superficial relationships, etc.

    Even my boss was shocked by a phone conversation I had with her. She did not get off the line when I asked her to and she kept going on and on and wouldn't let me get a word in or breathe.  These behaviors along with others are attributes of a histrionic personality. She lacks sexual provocativeness but will flirt, smile and manipulate to no end to get a man who is inaccessible to her and goes through them very quickly along with certain women but mostly married men.  Then when they fall in love and want to leave their wives, she dumps them.  They last three to six months now.  Before, it started off at two to three years.

    Anyway, I don't think that people have certain personalities because they are a blend of things.  I am considered different whatever that means.  For some it is that I am overweight or single or not under twenty-one.  I think some are just judgmental.  Anyway, I have to take back some haircolor that is too brassy soon because I like this golden brown better and would prefer a color mousse or something for brunette hair and am tired of red and blonde.  Anyway, people have no particular personality type just leanings.  Some people get along and others don't. 

     I don't think you can force someone to be what he is not and many people spend the better part of their adult lives fixing other people's lives, controlling them, ignoring their own interests, etc.  I don't think a basic concern about my sister signifies a desire to control her but it's typical of many to insist that a desire to help someone is manipulation and control, as if it's good for her to be the way she is with a history of drug use, failed relationships, physical confrontations, loss of job, financial instability, etc.  I would like to help her if she wants me to.  It's more important to help thes
  • lfbno7 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    Go to doubleyourdating.com. Check out David DeAngelo. He's the best there is. He will explain to you what most women are attracted to. You mention confidence and arrogance, and you say that women are attracted to confidence but not arrogance. Wrong. Sorry, you get an X on your paper. Women are attracted to confidence AND arrogance. I don't mean a sadistic brand of arrogance, though that will work too. I mean an ultra confident, cocky brand of arrogance. Women are attracted to cockiness, overconfidence, arrogance. Check out David DeAngelo, for real.

    Some so-called experts make ridiculous, foolish remarks, like that women are attracted to sensitive men, that sort of crap. Very few really are, unless it's about mothering them. Most women are hard-wired to respond sexually to ARROGANT men. Add some humor to it and you have a winning combination. Make fun of them. Let them know that it is your opinion that counts, not theirs. Let them know you are not an absolute wuss. Let them know that there are balls hanging between your legs. That's what they are hard-wired to respond to.

    Be Mr. Nice Guy and women may want to marry you, but when they meet Bad Boy, the arrogant and cocky one, they spread on the first date and wait longingly for him to call, hoping he'll call soon.

    In other words, if you want to attract women, don't be anything like me. Except for the sense of humor, that's a plus.
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 07, 2007....
    i think you're doing pretty well, trav. and i think that u-i said it best. :>

    ed
  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    dessert - correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't this the same comment that you posted on another blog?
     
    lfb - hmm, i don't think i agree with you there. i think arrogance will drive most women away, and sensitivity with confidence will attract them. take this community for example. et is one of the most popular men here, as witnessed by every poll taken about who women like, and he is a sensitive, considerate, caring man. i, however, who used to be a cocky, arrogant jerk, was never even mentioned in any of them, and as i remember, neither were you. so perhaps it is just a matter of the definition of arrogance we're differing over. oh, and i'm not trying to 'collect scalps', as it were. i'm not after getting women into bed on the first date. i'm after making good friends. but i do understand what you are saying.
     
    silver - thank you sir. perhaps it's a matter of the fact that the kind of woman i would want to be with will be attracted to confidence?
  • stitchedupheart19 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    travelr712:  i think confidence plays a role in "the list" of things that both men and woman look for in s.o. but sometimes theres an individual out there who knows they have confidence but is haveing trouble bringing it out. She may defend herself, stand up for her morals but has a hard time displaying that she is proud of herself for who she is. Along strolls this strong gentleman who sees this, sees past the "display" which may come off as desperation but is really a cry for help! He could just be the person she needed to assure her that she is as wonderful as she thinks she is. Does this make any sense? anyone?
    p.s. hello there, hope you don't mind i dropped by?
  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    stitch - i'm very happy you dropped by and commented. my blog is an open forum available to anyone to comment in any way they feel, as long as they allow me the same in my responses to them. please, come back and comment often. and i see what you are saying. and i agree with you. i think that's my favorite kind of relationship to have. i see something in a woman that she knows is there, and no one else sees, and i help her to bring it out, bring it to the surface, and make it an active part of who she is. it seems that i tend to be a 'passing fancy' though, because of that. once that thing is brought to the surface, it seems that they want to move on and try their newfound personality on other people, and i sort of get left behind. job hazzard, i guess :-)
  • fearing said on Dec 07, 2007....
    Trav - I believe women are designed to look for strength in a male.  Desperation looks weak.  Not attractive.  My Sweety is a big man but that is not what attracted me to him.  I've told him it was because he was arrogant and a little cocky.  He really isn't but he is confident. 
  • stitchedupheart19 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    travelr712: lol job hazzard? i didn't know bringing the sparkle out of women was an occupation now? ;)  and just for the record this can go the other way( women bringing it out of men) don't worry, there will be a special woman who realizes that you believe in HER and HER only ya know? at least that's what i keep telling myself about a man :)
  • GracefullyGrowing said on Dec 07, 2007....
    Travelr - Nice post. =)  It looks like you're doing pretty good.
     
    Stitchedupheart - Wow.  Excellent points!  I can fully identify with what you wrote.
     
    ~Grace~
  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    fearing - yeah, it's been broken down by sociologists that women look for men who are strong and deliberate because they make better hunters and protectors, so they would rather mate with men like that to produce children like that. of course, they also say that men look for women with big hips because they berth easier. don't listen to sociologists! :-P
     
    stitch - well, then we'll keep telling that to each other, ok? :-)
     
    grace - thank you, i'm glad you liked it :-)
  • allswell said on Dec 07, 2007....

    Hi travelr....I too have realized that i am despirate  and obsessive and because of that i may have run off a wonderfull man i met.  The thing is knowing your this way and knowing you need to change because it is a turn off...it's easier said than done.  Being lonely is a very hard thing  to be and well it sucks! But hopefully we can all get past it and find someone wonderfull and be happy in the end.

    alls:)

     

  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    alls - you're very right about that. it's not easy. it's very hard to turn that off. you're not seeing me as i was, you're seeing me as i am having turned it off. it took me YEARS to do it. so yes, there is always hope. plus, some guys don't mind a little obsession. i for one want to have emails and messages every day from my love, and give the same in return. it let's me know she's thinking about me throughout the day. but despairation, not so much.
  • allswell said on Dec 07, 2007....

    Trav..The thing is you never know what the "other" person would like. I did exactly that...i text everyday just to let him know i was thinking about him...and i think that's the very thing that has run him off.  But i agree there is always hope..thanks

    alls:)  

  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    well, then it's probably good it did run him off, because he probably wasn't right for you. you would possibly have had to make too many 'core' changes, because the desire to have that kind of contact every day is a deep rooted need. if he's not into that, then he's not the one for you. does that make sense? the problem with despairation in that is if you let that make you feel like you're worthless, instead of like you two just weren't right for each other. look at cw, she felt much like you are now, and she found love on another blog. you never know where it's going to come from, but if you're desparate over another man, that will come through.
     
    well, that's how i see it anyway. :-)
  • lfbno7 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    Trav, I think you misunderstood me. I was telling you David DeAngelo's advice on how to relate to women, and at the end I said that it was nothing like me, for I was never an arrogant jerk with women, I was the shy type. I was always the type that if I ended up with a girl, it was generally because that girl was making the moves, not me.
  • Mr_Box said on Dec 07, 2007....

    Desperation is bad for everyone. It's never attractive on either a man or a woman. But then again neither is too much confidence. That can always be mistaken for arrogance.

    It's a fine line. You need to be confident, yet vulnerable at times too. Women like a man who takes control, but who is also willing to admit when he needs her help too.

    You've done quite a lot of thinking lately. It seems as though you are well on your way to figuring out who you are. Not many people bother to do that. So you are doing very well.

  • travelr712 said on Dec 07, 2007....
    well, i caught that you said you weren't like that. but you also suggested that i went and read his blog to learn how to pick up women, or at least that's what it sounded like to me. i worked with a guy 2 years ago that was very much like that. he was 38, and always went after woman who were under 25 to 'take advantage of their hotness', as he put it. he read blogs and books from other men who were 'pick up artists'. i worked at the station beside him, and spent 4 months getting to know him very well. i wanted to know how a man like that really thinks. he was actually a child inside, very insecure, and very easy to anger when you knew what buttons to push. all his false bravado, i found, was a cover for inadequacies he felt inside, many of which he told me about. i guess i've always seen that type of man as compensating for inward deficiencies, not as confident, well adjusted people. so i really wasn't interested in reading a blog by a man who's main goal in life was to find out how fast he can get a woman to 'spread' for him. that's just not what i'm looking for. and i've also always found that women who go for a man like that are pretty messed up themselves, and there is usually a lot of alcohol and drugs involved. so i really don't feel like i'm missing out on anything by not attracting women like that. i prefer a more equal participation from both parties myself. but that's just me :-) oh, i don't think you're looking for a woman like that either, or that you're like that.
     
    box - yeah, that's what i was getting at. thank you for the compliment, i'm trying very hard to become the man that i want to be, and then that one special woman will appear. i'm nothing if not patient :-)
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 07, 2007....
    trav: yes, i'd say so. and indeed, i think you say the same here. :>

    ed
  • queenparanoia said on Dec 08, 2007....
    i think in a relatinship both person whould grow together. with a desperate person you tend to hang on the personal growth of the other. that's why most women (like me) prefer confident men. men who aren't insecure with women's success and comfortable with their own. confident men... =) and i think your on you way that path... =)
  • travelr712 said on Dec 08, 2007....
    silver - you know, you've become somewhat of a challenge to me. if i ever get more than a one sentence comment from you, i think i'm gonna have a dance party! :-)
     
    qpdoll - i always support a woman's succes, or at least i try to. and i hope i am on the right path. i think i am anyway.
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 08, 2007....
    [trout-smack!]

    or perhaps i'll just start writing all my comments in such a way that they don't require the use of multiple sentences, no matter how seemingly complicated or involved the underlying thought i'm trying to communicate might be and no matter how long the sentence grows as as a consequence thereof?

    :D

    ed
  • travelr712 said on Dec 08, 2007....
    silver - well, yeah, you could try that! but then, would silver still be silver? hmmmmm, i wonder...... :-)
     
    [mango maul!]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 08, 2007....
    [sticks apple in trav's mouth and serves him up at a banquet]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 08, 2007....
    silver - they call me MR. PIG!!!!!
     
    [spits the apple in ed's eye]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 08, 2007....
    [dodges]

    [butter-bastes trav]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 08, 2007....
    [licks off the butter] ummmm, tastey!
     
    [monkey moons silver]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [flings poo at trav]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    OH NO! A POO FLINGER!
     
    [ducks the poo]
     
    [flicks flies at silver]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [gives trav a swirly]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [pulls silver's underwear over his head]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [runs trav's up the flagpole]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [steals all of silvers and puts them in the freezer]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [moves to a warm climate so that frozen undies are comfy]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [switches silver's flight to gnome]
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [farts in trav's general direction]

    [/monty python]
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    [quickly produces a lighter] FLAME ON!
     
    what if we built a really big badger?
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    fetchez la vache!

    :D
  • travelr712 said on Dec 09, 2007....
    your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! now begone or i will taunt you a second time!
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 09, 2007....
    but perhaps i was taking dictation?
  • Racerboy said on Dec 10, 2007....
    Ifbno,
    I've seen David DeAngelo  at work.  If getting women means acting like that jerk than I would rather be celibate.  He's an arrogant jerk who treats women as meat,  If you can't treat them decently and not have to put on an act like that, then you don't want that person.  If all you're looking for is to get laid, then well maybe.  But if you want someone to actually have a relationship with, you have to be yourself and be comfortable with who you are.
  • travelr712 said on Dec 10, 2007....
    IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND!
     
    yeah racer, that's kinda how i look at it too.
  • Racerboy said on Dec 10, 2007....
    DesertS,
    Your sister sounds like 9 out of 10 women I have met the last couple of years.  They seem to want what they can't or shouldn't have and as soon as they think they can get it or the guy wants them, then off they go on another mission of conquest.  There are a lot of women that can be just as shallow as we are accused of being.  Thank god they seem to grow out of it.

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