I know each and every one of you have experienced this. I know because I read your blogs and your comments. I've even traveled that path with a few of you, and I want to thank those who have allowed me to, and who I have chosen to travel with, for the experiences, the perspectives, and the honor of those journeys.
Changes. They happen to everyone. In small doses, they are usually manageable. But what happens when many changes come all in a short time period? What happens when most of those changes happen in ways that are beyond our control? What happens when at that one decision point of your life, you make a choice, and then you are set on an inevatible course that you have no choice but to finish, your only other option would be to run, and that would be worse? How do you keep moving, keep walking, keep slogging along, when you know the end of that road does not lead to the destination that you want, and you have no map to tell you what that destination is?
Several months ago, I saw this beginning. I saw the path I was about to take very clearly, and I knew I would have little control of the course, and I knew I had no idea of the destination, but I also knew I had no choice but to travel that road. Changes. In my job, almost daily. I was nearly fired because I was on a team where two other members were totally inept, and our direct manager just would not get rid of them. Until his superior gave him the ultimatum of firing them, or he would fire the whole team. I was given a promotion and had it taken away no less than 7 times in 10 days, and not because of any action on my part, but because a co-worker at my level played the political game trying to get the same job that was never offered to them. That co-worker's last day was 2 weeks ago.
My son, who I thought I would never see again, suddenly appeared back in my life. My estranged wife, who I hoped I would never see again, moved with him into my one room apartment. Oh yes, that changed my routine! I can't even find the coffee anymore! And it's a small sacrifice to have the priviledge of reading 'The Hobbit' every night to the little guy.
I graduated from college, something I would have said 5 years ago would never be possible. I've received 2 tenative job offers and 2 solid leads in the last 2 days. I've cut the schedule for the finish of my team's part of the project by 3 months, with half the staff we had last summer. We'll finish by next friday. I've streamlined the last step of the process to cut it from 20 minutes per machine to less than 5, allowing for us to finish that part in 3 days, instead of 2 weeks. I've changed my budget, I've changed my goals, I've changed where I planned to be living 18 months from now.
I've also changed how I see other people, and how I treat them, and how I make friends.
I did not intend to be where I am now. 3 months ago, I saw myself in a completely different place, doing completely different things, with completely different people, and none of that is my reality now. And i'm not even sure I can really say how I got here. I know some of it, but much of it has been steered by other drivers, not me. I was just along for the ride.
And as I look back, I can see that there were places I made mistakes, places I wish I would have done something a little different, said something a little different, perhaps been a little kinder, a little more understanding, even a little more firm and resolute.
As I look back, I can see that I stretched myself to my absolute limit, and found that there was still more inside. I tried things that I said with conviction and resolution for decades that I would never try, and liked them.
And as I look back, I see tremendous pain and loss that all my life I thought would destroy me, and yet I am still here.
And I faced it ALL WITHOUT F E A R!
And that was the greatest change.
As I look back over those months, back to the point where I saw myself take the first step on that road, I see I've made allot of changes.
And I see the biggest and most significant change I have made,
is me.
