silverwhisper's tags:
courtesy of elsewhere...

short version: researchers are finding evidence that waiting until the early 20s to initiate sexual activity may be linked with sexual dysfunction. long version here.

commentary: OK, i was 18 before i lost my virginity. i would have been 17 had i taken the opportunity offered to me but i didn't feel right doing so--it's something about which i've blogged in the past. but honestly, is anyone surprised by this? in large part, aren't people who don't have sexual experience by the ages the article discusses (21-23) usually that way not through a deliberate decision on their part?

a friend of mine was once an evangelical, studied to be a missionary in fact. he has recounted on more than one occasion that he counseled marriage couples who didn't actually understand how to consummate their marriages.

i believe the following is the money quote...

the article quoth:
the authors write that the study "lends credence to research showing that abstinence-only education may actually increase health risks," adding that other approaches may better equip young people to avoid both short- and long-term sexual health consequences.

ed

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Comments

  • the_infernal_optimist said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Interesting...I was 19 and it wasn't because I hadn't had the chance before (in fact, I vehemently didn't want the chance until around then, because of past crap). While I don't think it would be exactly fair to run around yelling, "Everyone get laid quick, before it's too late!" at teenagers, I can definitely see how those 20something virgins are more likely to be "off" somehow WRT sexual relationships - but not necessarily because they're not sexually active.

    Some people - some normal, healthy people - hold off for reasons of their own, and I'm not sure I believe that holding off even longer than I did creates issues where there aren't any to begin with, if that makes sense.

    ~Infernal
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    no, it makes perfect sense, i think.

    i'm not trying to suggest that everybody who decides to remain a virgin past their teen years is somehow socially inept, but the truth is that i have a suspicion that in the majority of cases, that's precisely the case.

    ed
  • the_infernal_optimist said on Nov 30, 2007....
    That makes sense, too. I doubt most people who are still virgins at 20+ are that way solely by choice. It's hard to say whether that's the problem or merely a symptom of other issues.

    ~Infernal
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    exactly! i mean, i'm sure there are those who do it for matters of principle, too, and i respect that decision, but c'mon, who's gonna argue that's the bulk of the cases?

    ed
  • evil_twin said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I was 16 so I guess I'm safe! But I have a feeling that a lot of church groups are going to be pretty outraged by this article. It contradicts everything they believe, unless they're going to start advocating teenagers to get married ASAP so they won't be sexual freaks later.

    I'm not really sure I buy into this. I think it really depends on your reasons for waiting, and your general sexual knowledge. Just because a person is a virgin, doesn't necessarily mean they're ignorant about sex. And I certainly don't know of any 16 year olds who were perfect sexual specimens right out of the gate. So why would a 23 year old be any different? Of course they're dysfunctional. It takes practice!

    -evil_twin LA


  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    kyel: yeah, they're gonna be outraged, and honestly, they're bound to be no matter what this particular group has to say (look again: NY state research center for AIDS), i figure.

    when i was 17, i understood the general idea, how to "consummate a marriage", how to make a woman feel really good, but i had no practical experience at it. but when i was that age, i was pretty damned insecure, too, so i can easily see this being true, you know?

    ed
  • TinSoldier said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Sexual activity carries consequences, especially for the female.

    Those consequences are far less today, though, than they were even fifty or sixty years ago. And people still diddled around before marriage and got married younger than they are nowadays.

    I don't really know what to say -- having sex too early can be detrimental too. Abstinence is the best, but not the only, defense against unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

    I think that good education is key, both by parents as well as by the educational system.

    And being able to sneak porn when you are a teen ;-) .
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    yes, it certainly does carry consequences--but as these researchers appear to have discovered, every decision has consequences.

    education is necessary, but if the abstinence-only keeps being blasted from the rooftops such that teens don't understand that there are other possible messages, that has me concerned, frankly.

    ed
  • quietone said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I don't buy into this at all.  IMHO it depends on the individual person.  I don't think there are any dysfunctional affects by waiting - if there are, then the person was probably already dysfunctional.  I thinks that a lot of this so called "research" just gives somebody a job.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    i dunno, having been 17 year old virgin, i can easily see how if not for college, i woulda wound up having some kind of sexual dysfunction, to be honest.

    ed
  • quietone said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I think it also depends on the gender !
  • Mr_Box said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I don't know about this one. I was 17 so I have no knowledge of what it would be like to be a 20 something virgin.
     
    I would have to assume that if you're in your twenties, and not a religious type, there must be something else going on if you haven't had sex yet.
     
    In this day and age, that's just not typical. So just imagine the insecurity you would be feeling when you go into it knowing you're already way behind the game.
     
    I can see how that would lead to dysfunction. Along with whatever social reasons you were dealing with, that resulted in you being in your twenties before sex happened in the first place.
     
    But if it's a choice you make, I see no reason why you'd be any more or less dysfunctional than any other virgin having sex for the first time. Regardless of age.
     
     
  • quietone said on Nov 30, 2007....
    ah, yes, that last sentence Mr. Box is what I was trying to say...I agree with that~
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    quietone: fair enough.

    mr box: heh...i've had many years to envision just what that insecurity might be like, to be honest. but remember that not everyone is actively making a choice.

    ed
  • Eilan said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I think it depends on why someone waits.  Nothing original to add, really.

    My ex and I were both 20 when we lost our virginities to each other.  We'd both had opportunities that we chose not to take advantage of for various reasons.  We'd been together for just over a year, but I suspect we would have had sex sooner if much of the beginning months of our relationship hadn't been a LDR.

    My best friend is a virgin at 34, BTW.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    eian: i don't think anyone is suggesting the "why" isn't significant. :>

    whoa--seriously, she's 34? wow. color me surprised!

    ed
  • cakebottom said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Interesting article.  I was on the last leg of my 17th year before I finally did the deed, a bit past the norm in my social circle at the time, but I'm glad I waited as long as I did.  I remember being 15 and thinking I was bad-ass and knew everything I needed to know about doing the old dance, but the older I got, the more I realized I was in no rush.   I don't feel like I was ever in danger of becoming sexually dysfunctional even though I didn't even make it to second base until my senior year of high school.  I think sexual dysfunction has much deeper roots than the age you lose your virginity at.  I think someone can be a virgin later in life and not be sexually dysfunctional so long as they're not completely closed off to it.  "Penis goes where?!" is not a great way to approach your first sexual encounter, no matter how old you are.
  • Eilan said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Yup, she's 34.  I don't see her status changing soon.  She's intelligent, witty, caring, etc, but she's just not, um, attractive for various reasons.  I'm sorry to say that, and I know it makes me seem like a shallow ass, but it's true.

    (It's the friend I just blogged about, BTW.)
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    cb: i think you're seeing a causal relationship where the researchers aren't drawing one.

    eilan: ah...i understand--at least, insofar as possible.

    ed
  • TinSoldier said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Yup, she's 34.  I don't see that changing soon.

    That made me laugh, Eilan.

    But hopefully you don't just mean physical attraction, because people can still be either beautiful or ugly on the inside you know.
  • Eilan said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Let's just say people (as in potential mates) often don't look beyond her physical appearance and leave it at that. Think Shallow Hal.
  • TinSoldier said on Nov 30, 2007....
    Okay, Eilan.

    But I have known a few couples where physical beauty or attraction was probably not a factor. I'm sure that your friend can find a soul mate given time.

    Oh, and on the flip side, I know some people who may have physical attractiveness and have still not found a mate, or have tried and have been burned.

    Between the right people, it really shouldn't be an issue. Especially if your friend is intelligent and witty and caring.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    what should be and what are often have little to do w/ one another, TS...

    ed
  • Eilan said on Nov 30, 2007....
    I don't think it should be an issue, either, particularly since attractiveness is pretty subjective. But it is, apparently. She has lots of friends, both male and female, but has never been on a date, let alone had a relationship. *shrug*

    But in keeping with the subject of this thread, I think that she'd have a lot of sexual hangups, mostly because of the complete lack of experience. She's said some things that make me wonder. . .

  • Fallyn said on Nov 30, 2007....
    i was 22 when i lost mine....and i believe i was socially inept.
    this makes perfect sense to me. ....although i didn't quite understand....
    were the ones who waited socially inept BECAUSE they waited?
    or were they virgins still because they were socially inept?

    i know 4 virgins who are now in their 30's.
    each of them is very socially inept......

    i've also read an article...i wish i could remember where, that said that the longer a woman stays a virgin...no matter her looks or social skills.....the harder it is for her to lose it.......guys stay away from virgins who haven't lost it by that point.......fearing  that a woman will be more attached to her first and he'll have a psycho on his hands.
    guys only fantasize about virgins who are under 18
    that's the articles stance from research....not my own observations.

  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    eilan: OK, i've got nothibg.

    fallyn: i'd like to see that article myself, should you ever find it. :>

    ed
  • Fallyn said on Nov 30, 2007....
    i think i may be able to find it.......let me screw around on google. i'll try to find it.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    cool. :>

    ed
  • Fallyn said on Nov 30, 2007....
    grrrr. i read a lot of regina lynn's columns...they are seriously interesting....involving sex and tech.......anyway....i thought it was hers that i found that in...but it must have been a different one and i have no way of finding out who's.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    ugh, how frustrating!

    ed
  • Fallyn said on Nov 30, 2007....
    no kidding.

  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    well, should you find it... :>

    ed
  • Fallyn said on Nov 30, 2007....
    if i find it...i'll let you know.
  • silverwhisper said on Nov 30, 2007....
    o good. :>

    ed
  • travelr712 said on Dec 01, 2007....
    personally, what i think this article is trying to get at is something silver mentioned in a comment above. it is trying to say that the centuries old belief that 'abstinance until marriage is the only safe way' is just not true. there are just as many health, emotional, social and mental issues for those who wait as for those who start early, or start at any other time. it is the beginning of the support for taking the 'abstinance' vocabulary out of the national sex debate, if you get my meaning.
  • lampshade said on Dec 01, 2007....
    Well I'm 26 and counting, and pretty socially inept.  Guess I'm screwed (not literally, unfortunately).
  • Fallyn said on Dec 01, 2007....
    *HUGS* lampshade.
    find a girl as equally socially inept and you'll be all good. *grin*

    probably not something to joke about huh. but i think it's true......

  • lampshade said on Dec 01, 2007....
    Thanks.  Sometimes I think I do want someone as inexperienced as me because I'm kind of intimidated by people who are far more experienced.  But then again, anyone my age with no experience must have something wrong with them, right? 
  • polarheart said on Dec 01, 2007....
    Virgin until the day of my marriage exactly 22 years of age.  No health problems or social ineptness here.  My social network were all people I fellowshipped with at church and it was/is completely acceptable behaviour through choice.  In my earlier years I was offered the chance to lose my virginity, I was obsessed with the guy, but thanks to some restraint on his part we did not do it.  Mr Polar and I had a tough time keeping ourselves for the day of our marriage and our hormones were raging (we were together for over a year before we got married!)  So, yes there are people like me who kept our virginity out of choice and I have no regrets at all. . .we are quite healthy in that dept ;-)
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    trav: yes, that's it. thanks!

    lampshade: honestly, i've always found that b/c i couldn't rely on my looks, i had to show women who i was if i wanted them to like me. so no, it does not necessarily follow that something might be wrong with a woman your age who's also inexperienced.

    polar: heh...i knew at some point you were gonna weigh in... :> i think that your tale is an exceedingly uncommon one, which makes reading it all the more pleasurable. :>

    ed
  • crybabylu said on Dec 01, 2007....

    I realy wish I was allowed to use the word "Bullcrap!", because I sure would use it here.!   (laughs at the use of the word, anyhow)

    I have been counseling a woman who came from a very disfunctional family , sorry, but her story is not unique.  If you have heard it once you have heard it a hundred times.

    Short version - Sex should not be entered into at any age that is below a person's emotional maturity.  I don't care if the person is 30.  If they are not emotionally mature,  it will cause them emotional and psychological problems, maybe for the rest of their life.  It certainly will between them and the person they are engaging sexual activity with........dee.

    If they are married & haven't dealt with this potential problem beforehand....look out.   That marriage could be pretty much doomed from the beginning.

  • polarheart said on Dec 01, 2007....
    Thanks, Ed, yes I guess Mr Polar's and my story is quite unique :-)
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    dee: [sighs] yep, heard some version of if before, you're right. :/

    polar: it's quite unusual, no question. :>

    ed
  • 5dollar said on Dec 01, 2007....

    I'm like all of you, believing that this report is full of it.

    But the thing that upsets me about this whole subject is that those who have experienced the pleasure find it hard to believe for those who haven't.

    Eilan, I know what your friend is going through. I'm a man in my 40s and still haven't experienced the pleasue. Not by choice, just haven't reached that level in any relationship I've encountered, which to date is really two.

    I was very shy during my early years and it wasn't until my mid-20s when I first took a pro-active approach, joining video dating clubs and later online dating sites. I have had a number of first dates over the years, but very few second dates. I'm not the most attractive person in the world and my personality is kind of boring, so I'm not what you would call a great catch. But I do keep on trying and hopefully, it will happen someday.

  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    5dollar, i don't think that the report is full of it. on the contrary, i think it's reasonably accurate, to be honest.

    ed
  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 01, 2007....
    I was a late bloomer.  I did the old wait for love kind of thing. I'm not really sure that I agree with the results of the survey. 

    CW
  • lfbno7 said on Dec 01, 2007....
    One problem with the survey is the possibility that the person's sexual problem had something to do with why they started late. So it would skew the results accordingly. Know what I mean?
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    CW: how so?

    lbf: we don't know much about the methodology or indeed the results. having said that, the survey results still seem to make a certain sense, at least in general.

    ed
  • Fallyn said on Dec 01, 2007....
    i think the results make sense......but again....is it social ineptness resulting in waiting? or is it waiting resulting in social ineptness?
    and i think there are exceptions to every rule. no matter how accurate it may be.

    and i'm still trying to find that article. but no luck.
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    well, i think it's clearly the former in many cases.

    ed
  • TinSoldier said on Dec 01, 2007....
    Based on a meme, I wanted to say "In Soviet Russia, sex waits for YOU!"

    But then I realized that comes out in an entirely unintended way.
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 01, 2007....
    bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! thank you, TS, for a particularly well-timed and much-needed laugh. :>

    ed
  • queenparanoia said on Dec 02, 2007....
    oh shit i'm still a virgin!!!!!
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 02, 2007....
    yeah, but somehow, i don't think you're going to have a problem, queen. :>

    ed
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    queenie - well look at that! i'm agreeing with ed, yet again! :-)
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 02, 2007....
    hey, you better knock that off, man--people are liable to talk! :D

    ed
  • crybabylu said on Dec 02, 2007....
    queen, I envy you.  I was sitting at dinner the other night, and I have been guilty a couple of times (more, actually) of making off the cuff remarks.  Some one asked me if I had one wish what would it be.  Most people would have said wealth.  Not me, I spouted off without even thinking........"to be an 18 yr. old virgin.......haha!
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    silver - bah! let em! :-)
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 02, 2007....
    dee: heh..that's very funny! :D

    [passes trav notes in study hall]

    :D
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    silver - hey! i paid you good money to keep that secret!
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    soucast strikes again!
     
    cry - i too have been the victim of 'open mouth, insert foot, swallow hard' disease, but it's not so hard to swallow when it's truely funny :-)
  • Fallyn said on Dec 02, 2007....
    *dying laughing* my god you guys are funny.
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    yeah fallyn, but i haven't given up my day job.... :-)
  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 02, 2007....
    Ed,
    I don't believe that my being a late bloomer was because of any dysfunction nor did it make me dysfunctional.  I waited because I wanted to.  I've always had a healthy sensuality even though it may not have been outwardly expressed.  Does that make any sense or am I rambling?  :-)

    CW
  • travelr712 said on Dec 02, 2007....
    cw - to my knowledge, an outward expression of sensuality often equals time in jail :-)
  • CreativeWoman said on Dec 02, 2007....
    trav,
    We don't want that!  :-D  There's a time and place for everything.

    CW
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2007....
    trav: ah, you only paid enough for the fun, not for the silence... :D

    CW: no, you weren't rambling, but even when you do, it does make sense. :>

    ed
  • travelr712 said on Dec 04, 2007....
    cw - and i have been spending an awful lot of time lately trying to figure out when and where (and with who. whom. whatever!) :-)
     
    silver - apparantly i didn't read the fine print! :-)
     
     
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2007....
    gotta be careful with those things, trav... :D

    ed
  • Racerboy said on Dec 07, 2007....
    What happens when you wait til your 40's to become sexually active? Not by choice either!
  • silverwhisper said on Dec 07, 2007....
    welcome to my blog, racerboy! i've seen you around a few places and then i read CW's blog entry introducing you. nice to see you here! :>

    to answer your question: i have absolutely no idea, although the researchers would likely be inclined to believe that there's a greater chance of sexual dysfunction. however i think it's important to note that this is a generalization.

    ed

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